I recently went to an organised social held in a local sex club and several things happened that I thought I would draw out my experience over several different posts (sorry!) I hope readers don’t mind the added description.

I wasn’t sure what I was going to do about visiting clubs again. I’ve wanted to go again but I knew that I’d prefer to go with someone else. As in not on my own. And I’ve been in need of socialising lately. So when I saw that a localish group were holding a large group social in a sex club I thought … yeah, okay, I will attend that.

I didn’t think I’d be able to. I joined the group chat beforehand but I didn’t feel like I really connected with anybody. And then I had car troubles and thought ‘well, shit, I can’t go now’ – that is until a woman who lives the next town over offered to give me a lift and I thought I can’t turn down this level of generosity. So I ended up going after all.

I really hit it off with the woman who offered to drive me. She’s hilarious and warm and engaging and even though it was a 45 minute drive in both directions, there was no awkwardness or lengthy gaps in conversation. I mostly thought all the way there ‘please let’s be friends!’

We had a tour when we arrived and I needed that. I’d been to this club only once before with my ex. And it had been years (years?!) since that trip. And things had changed. It was interesting to see the changes. A different layout, a place to buy food, a secret corridor only for couples (that wasn’t open the day I went).

There was an icebreaker activity to start with and it allowed me to mingle amongst the other people attending. I didn’t know anybody there, I barely recognised faces and I still struggled with a lot of the names afterwards. But there was one person there that I did recognise.

I had called him ‘my stalker’ to other people – on the website I use, I’d created a forum thread about a particular interest of mine and this man seemed determined to engage me in conversation. He’d send me messages asking about my day, my evening plans, if I wanted to meet him at the weekend. I mostly just deleted his messages. After creating this forum thread and mentioning a recommendation for people to attend local events, he messaged to ask if I was going to a particular local event about my interest. He offered to drive me, to meet up when we were there. He sent me pictures of what he looked like so I could recognise him and say hello.

I ignored them. If he called me out on it on the forums I’d lie and say I didn’t attend. But for three months in a row, this man showed up, swivelling his neck around to look out for me. And I avoided him until I no longer felt comfortable being in the same space as me, he made me not want to go to this event again.

So when I saw him at this club my heart sank. I didn’t want to have to avoid him in this small space, surrounded by people I was trying to get to know. So I gritted my teeth and got through it. He stood next to me at one point, turned to me to ask a question that I answered briefly before turning to someone else. He didn’t recognise me because he’s never seen my face but I don’t want to converse with someone who makes me so deeply uncomfortable.

It was a few people’s first times at the club. So in a group we walked around the dungeon, climbing into the dogging car, laughing at the coffin propped up in one corner. One woman used the handcuffs in one of the cages. And then someone asked ‘what’s the point of the dark room?’ so we all followed her into the dark room to explain.

As I walked in, I said ‘please nobody grope me in here’ because the point of the dark room is that it’s so dark that you could randomly touch other people or engage in other things if you’re into the anonymous nature of it all. That is absolutely not my thing but I thought I’d say it anyway. Even though the rest of the group seemed to understand that it was all exploratory, us going into the dark room together.

Except this man. Who ended up saying ‘Right, whose boobs am I going to ‘accidentally’ grab?’ as he lunged towards me and the woman who drove me there. I don’t really care that it was meant as a joke, the idea of this man coming anywhere near me, of him touching me without my consent, of him making a joke about any of it repulsed me. So the second I could feel him moving towards me I left. Immediately. And I kept walking as far away from him as I could.

It was my only encounter with him that day and after the event my new friend made a complaint to the organisers of event and he was kicked out of the group chat and banned from any future events.