Grief is one of those things that nobody can understand, right?

I didn’t know how I was going to react to my mother’s (sudden, tragic, unexpected) death but I think these early days makes me realise life is too short and not to waste it.

I actually cringed writing that. Because that’s pretty cliche, isn’t it? But I guess it’s a cliche for a reason. And that is how I’m feeling. I’ve started to prioritise things in a way that I hadn’t before. Taking stock of what’s important.

But I’ve also started being more open and honest.

And that’s surprised me. I hadn’t thought I wasn’t open or honest before. But I’m saying and doing things now that I possibly wouldn’t have done before. And I’m going to chalk that one up to my mother.

I had a really blunt conversation about a friend and the situation he’s in. I knew at the start of the conversation that I wouldn’t just not say how I was feeling. And I didn’t shy away from it. Though it felt familiar to do so. Like, my body was used to shying away from saying the direct thing.

Later, I told my ex about the conversation, and was honest about how I felt about it. It was me expressing my gratitude towards him during our relationship but I realised that in saying the nice thing to him that I probably stopped myself from saying the direct things I’ve thought or felt.

I started being more open with him about what I wanted, what I needed. We had a conversation about my porn watching habits, about masturbation. About things that I’d fantasised doing with him. And it all felt so new. My relationship with him hadn’t been one where I have been that open but it felt good. So good that I’ll probably continue.

And not only that, I find myself being freer with my decisions. Choices that might improve my happiness. It makes no matter that those choices have not, in fact, improved my happiness. It only matters that I’m making choices that I feel are right at the time.

And this could be a trauma response. I’m not really sure. But for right now, I’m not mad that this has been the direction my grief has taken.