Did I mention already that I’m on dating apps? I know that I’d like to date somebody, to go on cute dates, to do fun things together, to share a romantic and sexual intimacy together.

I question sometimes if now is the right time for me to be searching for these things but I also just refuse to delete them. I’m hopeful. Even if my life is complicated and even if I haven’t gotten it all sorted out I still want to have that hope and optimism that it’ll all work out and I’ll have what I want.

And then I matched with him. And I did feel a faint whir of excitement when I saw that he and I had matched. He was cute and his profile seemed interesting. Local. Not closed off to something serious.

We started messaging and it was about dogs and music and his interesting job. A little bit about how dating apps are trash these days but every time I got a message from him I would smile. And I’d think ask me out already.

But the messaging continued and my stomach butterflies kept arriving every time I’d get a new message. Until he sent one where I thought …wait, what. And I almost immediately disregarded it because it had been going so well up until now.

And then he sent another message and I thought okay, so I wasn’t just imagining it the first time. And I decided, let’s see how far this goes.

And it took only the smallest prompting on my part before he did it. Instead of just implying it, he just full on sent me a picture of his cock as he wanked first thing in the morning.

Tell me again why I’m still on dating apps.