Category: relationships

Investing In Myself

March 13, 2026

life, relationships

I’ve talked about a bit, I think, but I was in therapy a few years ago. Best thing I ever did. And even now, years later as I’m going about my days, I still think back to things that were said or happened during therapy.

One of the things that happened was that my therapist told me that she thought I could do with a second weekly session. That I was presenting as quite fragile and that I needed additional support. It was something that I really struggled with. I didn’t want to be a bother, I was thinking about the cost of psychotherapy sessions that my ex husband I were paying for privately.

One of the things that I’d brought up in one of our sessions is that my ex husband once came home from and out of nowhere he told me ‘Thank you for being so low-maintenance, a lot of the other men at work complain that their wives are always asking for things – new curtains or a certain number of holidays or whatever. But not you.’

And I think at the time, I thought that was a compliment. I certainly took it as one and internalised this low-fuss, low-maintenance persona that didn’t need too much. But what I realised was that I was erasing my own needs. I wasn’t asking for the things I actually wanted or needed.

Same with the therapy sessions. Eventually, I did tell my ex husband that I needed a second session every week, the cost was less important than the benefits it would bring to myself. It may have been the very first thing that I ever demanded in my entire marriage. And it came way too late.

I think about that a lot.

After I put my foot down and insisted on the second session I felt incredible. It wasn’t just the emotional support that I was getting from my therapist. It was the idea of putting myself first and about recognising that there are things that I require. Whether that’s a second therapy session, or an actual desk to work at (I didn’t have one of those either and was killing my back trying to work from my bed with my laptop in my lap!) or whatever else.

The other day I called my GP about a niggling issue that I’ve been going through. That had been going on for several months. I recently sorted out some dental work I needed doing (even though it eventually cost me £800+!) I started my masters equivalent course last September after insisting on savings to be put aside to cover the full cost of the course.

And do you know what? I feel fucking great about all of those things.

All of these things matter. I matter. I’ve lived so much of my life shrinking myself into small spaces for other people. I’ve erased my needs from relationships. From work. From life. I’ve made myself small, I’ve adopted a ‘low-maintenance’ image.

I’ve had enough. I’m now focusing more on investing in myself. In my health, in my well-being. In what will bring me joy. What will decrease my anxiety. What will make me feel good.

And it already feels good.

No comments on Investing In Myself
Levels of Pettiness

March 12, 2026

relationships

It’s a really sad thing when you’ve been married to someone for most of your life but you’ve grown apart and ask for divorce but instead of having a clean, quick break of it things linger on and you end up becoming shitty, petty people.

That isn’t a hypothetical, of course. I mean myself and my ex husband. We still live in the same house because even though I brought up divorce 5 years ago (and we’ve been separated that entire time) he has refused until now to actually finalise anything.

I won’t lie, having a continued joint bank account has benefited me but I think the whole experience has overall benefited him more. He likes the idea of playing happy families, delaying when he has to tell his friends and family that he is divorced.

There were times he was in denial about it. There were times when he was angry about it. There were times when he was really sullen about it.

Now though? Now he’s just fucking petty about it. And apologies for getting into the granular detail about how annoying of a person he is to deal with.

And I can’t help but ride that Petty Train right alongside him.

One of the things that pissed me off about him long before we were separated was his quest to ‘balance’ things out. If I do this, he’ll do that. If he does this, he expects me to do that. Without my agreement usually.

But nauseatingly, he has brought up several things that are ‘mine’ to do and ‘his’ to do. It’s never felt so …fucking regimented like it has in the last few months though.

Yes, one of ‘my’ tasks is to feed the dog his dinner at 6pm every day. Fine, I’m happy to do that. But on occasion, I am not home to feed the dog his dinner. I’ve noticed though that my ex husband keeps track of how many days I don’t feed the dog dinner and somewhat coincidentally, he’ll ask me to feed the dog his lunch instead (something that my ex husband usually does as he works downstairs but we have never ‘formalised’).

And how petty is that? Counting how many days he has to feed the dog and taking it out on me. Instead of, you know, just feeding the dog. He’s keeping score with me.

It isn’t my only example though. For the past several weeks he’s taken it up a notch. We had ‘agreed’ that I would walk the dog three days out of the five weekday and my ex husband would walk the dog the other two days. In light of that imbalance, he would also do the weekly food shop. This was never a problem because he’s fussy about the meat and vegetables he picks up and he doesn’t like me doing the food shop anyway. He was always going to do the food shop because he’s controlling like that. But in making this agreement he’s agreed the smaller amount of effort in doing the dog walk in exchange for something he isn’t willing to give up anyway.

It’s become a problem though because of my course that happens Tuesdays from 2pm-9pm. Because of this, he has to walk the dog his two days a week AND Tuesday afternoon because I am not around to do this.

On Sunday, we discuss the upcoming week, which days I’m in the office, which day he is. What our plans are. Can I have dog walks on Tuesday and Wednesday, he asks. Sure, but you’ll have to do Monday afternoon as well as I’m leaving right after work (with our child for an event that has been scheduled in for several weeks now).

That doesn’t sound very ideal for me, he said. Can you walk the dog Monday and Tuesday morning, and he’ll do the full day on Wednesday?

So you want me to walk the dog Monday morning, Tuesday morning, go into the office for 7am on Wednesday, and for me to walk the dog Thursday and Friday morning and afternoon? I asked. Not one day in the week to lay in bed in the morning and have a slow start?

Yes, he said. Because that makes it ‘ideal’ for him.

So, I’ve decided that every day this week my alarm is going to go off at 6am (instead of 7am). And instead of being really quiet about getting up, getting ready and getting dressed I’m not going to bother. If I can’t find the clothes I need and fumble around, if I need to turn the big light on so be it.

If you want to play the Petty Wars, I will show you how low I’ll go. I hope you enjoy your week of lazy, slow mornings lounging about in bed. With the big light on, the curtains opened, me opening and shutting the wardrobe, leaving the en suite light on. And whatever else I can think of.

2 comments on Levels of Pettiness
Missing

March 2, 2026

relationships

I read something on social media recently that said if I’m not over him it’s not because I’m still into him but that I miss being ‘chosen.’

Another post said I’m not over him because I’m comparing the fun that I had with him with the misery of dating. If I had something that put a smile on my face consistently, I wouldn’t be dwelling on what I had.

And I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

I don’t think I’m necessarily still into him. I think I can separate things out in my head and with my emotions enough to know that he’s where he should be and doing the things he should be doing. And I prefer it that I don’t play a big part in his life anymore. I probably shouldn’t have ever played any part in it.

But I do miss things. Aside from him. I don’t think I need to go into the detail of what I miss about him specifically. It isn’t fair on either of us to get into that.

But I’ll tell you what I do miss. Just structurally within our relationship.

I miss that when we argued or when I brought up anxieties, he’d listen to me and ask questions about how he could make things easier for me. That sort of energy feels rare in my life.

I like that even though he was pressed for availability to see me that he’d get creative in order to make it happen. It was a priority seeing me and god, I absolutely fucking miss that.

I miss all the physical contact. Not just the sex though the sex was fucking electric. He was a really tactile person and even if we were just meeting to go on a walk it was lovely to walk together holding hands. I miss having someone to cuddle into while he just idly stroked my arms or legs or whatever.

I miss his curiosity about me. A man who asked me questions and genuinely wanted to know more about me, how I think, what I’m feeling.

No comments on Missing
A Post in Four Parts

February 20, 2026

relationships

Part One

I feel like he and I have had some good moments recently. Sure, we haven’t seen each other in 4 months but he sent me two voice notes after I said how much I love voices and how hot I find them. He was probably joking at sending me an audiobook sometime but I liked it.

Another time I said something to him that I wouldn’t normally have. I said something about missing him. He asked if I was missing the kissing? And I gave him a list of things I missed about him. And then a full day later because it was killing me inside, I asked him if he was also missing the kissing. And he said ‘I am’ and it’s the actual closest he’s ever come to saying that he misses me. And I thought I needed that reassurance. I thought that that one message would help tide me over into the next time we see each other.

But I think all it’s done is made me feel even less secure.

Part Two

I had one of those days recently that are rare. I had the house to myself. I considered inviting him over. But in the end … I didn’t. When I gave it some thought later I thought that part of the reason that I didn’t ask is because when I ask 90% of the time it ends in him saying ‘no’ and I can only handle so much rejection. That day I decided that a rejection from him might tip me over the edge.

But I still had an empty house. So of course I pulled out some toys and started masturbating … and right towards the end, right before orgasm I thought of …him and cried. I’ve never cried over him during masturbation before and it made me feel like shit.

I think I’ve just hit this point where I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we are, I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. At the moment, it’s been about two weeks where we haven’t really messaged and I think …is it just me that feels that loss?

It probably is.

Part Three

I keep seeing this woman’s profile online. Her and him met up years ago and he left her a really nice verification.

And every time I see her name online my heart hurts a little bit. Not because of her or anything. Seeing her name just makes me feel insecure. Because for whatever reason, he’s happy to shout out in public that he’s met some people, that he had a great time meeting them or whatever. And every time I see her name it reminds me that I don’t fall within that group.

And maybe it wouldn’t matter so much if he offered me reassurance in other ways?

If he messaged me first. If he invited me over. If he told me how he felt about me. Something. Anything.

But he doesn’t. So I’m left to spiral into insecurity.

Part Four

I was at book club dinner and we’d all had food and people started leaving but this one friend that I’m closest with stayed and it was just me and her talking. And we started talking about things only her and I talk about.

I told her about the jokey conversation about him recording himself reading a book to me, that he (sort of) said he missed me. And I said … I don’t know if I’m just thinking how I’m thinking because of my own issues or because if it’s the right thing to do.

She said something like, but you’re only telling me good things right now? and I knew I was. I like talking about the nice things.

But then I said I didn’t want to him invite him over because I was afraid I’d be rejected again.

And I said that I see him maybe once in 3-4 months which, if we’re FWBs, isn’t really satisfying my needs in that department.

And I said that I wouldn’t sit here like I was with my friend talking for a few hours over food or drinks with him. So are he and I even friends?

And I said that I’ve never been to his place. Because he said something like not having people over protects his peace. But if after nearly two years of knowing each other … if I disturb his peace what even are we doing?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel.

No comments on A Post in Four Parts
Valentine’s Day

February 16, 2026

relationships

It was Valentine’s Day last weekend. That great day of love. Over the last few years I’ve wished for the whole day to just pass me by and for me to be oblivious to its mere existence. And that’s happened, for the most part.

There’s no discussion of it in this house, there’s obviously no celebration of it. But a different, unconnected anniversary happened this weekend that brought Valentine’s Day into my perspective again and I feel retraumatised by my Last Valentine’s Day.

So, five years ago in January was when I sat down with my ex-husband and first brought up separation and divorce. I count that day in January as the day we were officially separated but because I refused to go to couples therapy with him, I did allow for him to ‘try’ I guess. I didn’t say I’d be into it but I told him that I would be aware of his attempts to repair our relationship. I just wish that I’d put in some boundaries in at the time for what that would look like.

Because Valentine’s Day five years ago was a day I’d like to forget in its entirety. My ex arranged for the boys to be at their grandmother’s house that evening. I was a bit nervous when I heard that with my first thought being ‘why is that even necessary?’ but my ex gave me a scathing look, like ‘why do you think?’ and that sent into this state of panic.

And that state of panic never really left me that night. I don’t remember what we did for dinner. It must have been something nice, but mercifully, I don’t remember it.

He then said, would you like your presents now? Nervously, I said ‘okay’ and I unwrapped a large box from Hotel Chocolat for dipping things into melted chocolate. In the end, that box stayed unopened on the kitchen counter until it went out of date and one of us threw it away.

The next gift was even worse.

He said ‘open this first but you have a different gift before’ and I opened it and it was a selection of massage oils. He had this look on this face, like he had worked really hard on this. And he said something like, he’s prepared everything and he walked me into the bathroom where he’d run me bubble bath with candles and music playing. And he’d said that once I’d finished soaking in the bath, he’d give me a massage.

And I nodded my head and he left. I closed the bathroom door and slid the lock into place. And I stripped out of my clothes and dipped my foot into the bath but it was scalding hot. I felt like my skin would burn off and I almost wanted that. I was tempted to plunge into the bath all at once. Some part of me craved it. But I couldn’t. I ended up crouched at the edge of my bath, naked, my arms wrapped around myself.

And I had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had in my life. I was crying and I couldn’t breathe. I felt so … exposed. Vulnerable.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so mis-seen in my entire life. How did he think that this would be something that I would want? It seemed obviously geared towards some acts of intimacy. I felt like… was he expecting sex from all of this? How could he have not heard me when I’d told him not more than a month ago that I didn’t feel valued in our relationship, I didn’t feel like my needs were even considered. I told him that I’d felt overlooked. That I wasn’t a priority. That I didn’t love him.

And he worked so hard. So hard to try to fix things that weren’t the problem. It isn’t that he didn’t buy me flowers. It was that he hadn’t known what my favourite flowers are. That he didn’t know me well enough to know what I’d prefer instead of flowers.

I didn’t feel safe in my bathroom with that bubble bath or those candles. With the weight of expectation. It felt, like he’d continue to make me feel over the next five years, that I was breaking our marriage in the face of him labouring to fix it. But in all the wrong ways that still made me out to be the bad guy.

No comments on Valentine’s Day
Growing Together

January 30, 2026

relationships

I mentioned a post about my ex husband and change. This is my attempt at that post.

When I first met my ex husband he had a million interesting hobbies. He was very musical, playing the piano and violin and writing and singing songs as he played. One of my favourite things was to read my book listening to him play the piano. Even as he struggled to get the right notes or whatever.

We started our own little book club together when were getting to know each other. It was cute. We’d get the same book, read it and discuss it together. We used to lay next to each other in bed and listen to each other’s music. He wrote a screenplay, he started drafting a graphic novel. We talked about going on a round the world trip, even had an itinerary planned out with places we both felt strongly about.

I feel like I was led to believe that our lives would grow together and that there would be some element of this creativity and connection and exploration. Exploration of ourselves and of the world.

And yet we were married for decades and …he stopped playing the piano. He never wrote again. Until recently (he found audiobooks) I could count the number of books he’d read on one hand. We never took that round the world trip.

And I don’t think I’d be writing this post if other changes had happened but it was like everything was the same. His taste in music, his taste in clothes, his hairstyle. Where he wants to go on holiday, what he wants to do on the weekends. It was gradual but eventually he just stopped growing.

It feels incredibly sad to feel like I’ve outgrown a person. But I don’t think I’ve ever stopped growing. I don’t think I can stop. And I don’t know how to connect with someone who has stopped engaging in change or growth. Even just an interest in how I’ve changed?

And the other side of the story is the way I’ve felt about his reaction to me continuing to change. The resistance to it. The laughing about it. The doubt about it. The questioning where it’s come from, the insecurity that it means further change. But it isn’t for me to make myself smaller for his peace of mind.

No comments on Growing Together
Dream Texts

January 27, 2026

relationships

I had a dream the other night. It was maybe two separate dreams but when I woke up I knew that two things had happened and I wasn’t sure what I felt about either of those things.

It was one of those realistic dreams where things happen and it was like I was lying in bed with my phone in my hand when a new notification came in or like I’d fallen asleep and then sleepily woke up (in my dream) and checked my phone for notifications.

And that’s it, really. Except that in this dream, it was that my ex sent me a text that read ‘I’ve been thinking and I’ve reconsidered us not seeing each other…’

And the other notification was that my on/off person had sent a message that read ‘Why don’t you come over and see what fun we can get up to?’

And lord, brain. What are you doing to me with either of these messages? I’m not sure that I necessarily need reminders of all the things I can’t have.

No comments on Dream Texts
Is This Thing On?

January 26, 2026

relationships

This post is actually about the film I saw tonight, the one with Will Arnett and Laura Dern. But I feel like the title is quite apt for this blog too. I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing lately. For lots of reasons. But that’s a story for another time.

Tonight, I was supposed to go to the cinema with my kid (and my ex, because we still do family things together) but at the last minute my kid decided that he wasn’t up for the cinema tonight. So my ex and I went instead. We don’t normally do things that feel or seem datey. We don’t go out for meals on our own, to the cinema. We’ll shop together because shopping feels safe and less confusing. But tonight there was a Scene Unseen showing at the local cinema and we went to see it.

It shouldn’t be weird. It’s been five fucking years of us being separated. And he knows I’ve had a million dates, and lots of sex with people and one very significant relationship with someone in that time. And yet it was weird tonight.

Because the film? Is This Thing On? I hadn’t realised it was about a man who starts doing stand-up comedy to help him process his feelings about his separation from his wife. That’s pretty much the entire story. About how these two people weren’t happy in their marriage, where it went wrong, how they both felt after it ended.

And it was a sweet film, it was emotional. I enjoyed it. But it was also weird because my ex husband can be really fucking weird about watching films or hearing stories or any mention of divorce. I mentioned in passing about a colleague getting a divorce and my ex husband went silent and weird. And I remember thinking ‘is the whole topic of anyone getting divorced off limits now?’

But I thought it was an interesting story. I wouldn’t personally turn to comedy or stand in front of other people to talk about my relationship. But I might write an anonymous blog. And I know how much that has helped me. So it was a lovely story to be watching.

Thankfully my ex husband and I don’t like sitting next to each other in the cinema so I didn’t have to sit next to him as he got weird about this story. But I did have to deal with the weirdness after. I wasn’t sure if when I left the cinema if it would be silent, awkward. Or if he’d react differently.

Tonight, he pounced on the conversation. Almost in a ‘SEE, see how cool I am with talking about this, I’m fine, FINE’ sort of way. Because as soon as he saw me, he said ‘So what did you think?’ in a kind of aggressive way. I was expecting us to have the conversation in the car so I was startled and said ‘It was …nice.’ And I don’t think ‘nice’ is the word I meant to use, but I was under pressure!

And so he rambled all the way back to the car about it. In a nervous way. In a ‘I need to keep talking to prove how okay I am with it’ way and it was like I picked up on that nervousness and every time he went quiet I filled that space up with more words. All the words. We just traded words back and forth, back and forth.

All the way home.

No comments on Is This Thing On?
Voices

January 7, 2026

dating, relationships

Something rather lovely happened today and it reminded me of something else. And because I’m trying to keep some of the nice stuff just for me lately, I thought I’d share with you the something else.

Have I told you already how much I love voices? There’s something so intimate about voices. I have a real preference for sexy whispers or low voiced commands or the way pleasure can sometimes change a person’s voice.

But, and I guess this could be slightly weird, I also have a real thing for normal voices talking about normal things. I love it when I’m getting to know someone and they switch it from messaging into voice notes. Love. Listening to someone’s voice in real time? Give me more. Give me all of it. I like hearing the pauses between words, I like the fumbling of words, I like listening to the intonation of words. I like it all.

But I can sometimes like it too much. In a weird way. And that’s what my thing today reminded me of. I absolutely refuse to write a dedicated post about this man though I have mentioned him several times. He was someone I got to know around the time of my separation. He lives in Manchester (with a Manc accent) and …I’d describe our relationship as unhealthy. Toxic even.

We’d be getting on great and then out of nowhere an argument would happen, and I would shut down. He’d say mean things. I would think I deserve to be treated in that way and he’d apologise and I’d take him back. I think I maybe liked this roller coaster of emotion at the time.

Because after one such argument, he sent me a voice message. It’s of him and at first he’s apologising. ‘Sorry for the way I spoke to you just then’ and explains that whatever he’d said to me it was said because he was angry. Angry that I doubt things between us. ‘I’m a caring person, I care about people and I care about you’ and at the time he sent that I loved that voice note so much that I would listen to it over and over. I loved the way his accent shaped the words. I loved the emotion I could hear in it. In a twisted way, I even liked the sentiment behind it.

I loved it so much that I’d masturbate over it. I took his words and I romanticised it. The anger, the strong emotion. That feeling of how do you not know how much I care about you?

I still have the voice message. Not because I still listen to it or have any feelings for him still. I only have it because I delete nothing and it’s just sheer laziness that I still have it. Just to give you an indication of what a great guy he was, he left me a voice message when I’d blocked his number. I listened to it today two years after he sent it. He said ‘blocking my number you fucking cretin’ – who said romance was dead, eh?

I’m glad that I didn’t delete that voice message before. I’ll delete it now though. It served its purpose once and because of it I can see how much I’ve changed. I no longer want that kind of care or affection.

No comments on Voices
Insecurity Strikes Again

January 6, 2026

relationships

It’s so tiring when there’s literally always something happening that triggers my feelings of insecurity or jealousy.

I’d like to preface this by saying that things with my on/off person have been fine. I told him that I’d bought him a Christmas gift and he was sweet about it. I still haven’t had a chance to give it to him and I haven’t seen him in months. But I don’t need constant reassurance from him (that’s such a big positive shift!) and we don’t message as much and I’m really okay with that. The lack of messaging doesn’t get to me in the same way that it used to nor does the not seeing each other part.

And yet.

The website that I met him on has both a forum section and a verification system where people can write comments after they’ve met people via the site to say ‘this person is cool’ to let others know they are who they say they are.

When I’m bored at work, I’ll be on the forums more often. Joining in on threads or just lurking. I find it interesting and it’s a good way of learning more about a person. You get a feel for people from what they say or how they say things.

I saw a message on a forum thread from a woman that lives locally to me and I clicked on her profile out of curiosity. And that was it. Insecurity and jealousy spiked to an all time high. Because my on/off person had left this woman a verification.

And it isn’t about her. I’m sure she’s lovely. Her pictures are incredible. The few times I’ve seen her post on the forums she seems nice.

But I hate that I feel this way. This verification was left nearly three years ago, long before he and I even knew each other. He’s allowed to have met other people, to have said nice things about her.

I still read it and had lots of Big Feelings. Jealousy obviously. Insecurity about my own connection with him. Hurt that he’s never left me a verification. Annoyance that the times I’ve asked him if he ever did write a verification for me, what would it say? that he responded with a joke. Anger because I wonder if the reason he doesn’t write one for me is because he’s trying to hide his connection to me. Either from someone he is pursuing or because of some other unkind reason.

I don’t want to continue feeling this way.

No comments on Insecurity Strikes Again