Is it possible to know you’re going to fall in love with someone so early? Like, almost immediately I knew there was a connection. But when you and I met? There’s just something about you, you calm me down. Everything felt comfortable and I will never be able to know for sure if I’m just melding all the times we met together and remembering that collectively there was an easiness about being around you. But there was. I always just felt …relaxed around you. When normally I’m on high alert around new people. But not with you. Or, maybe a little with you.

But there was something about watching you drive, being able to see your serious concentration face for the first time. The slightly awkward way that you start a conversation. I could hear something in your voice, even though I didn’t know you well at all that first time we met, but it was almost like you were nervous enough for both of us. And because of that I was able to just let my nervousness go.

I don’t remember one single thing that we said that first time we met. Not one word. Other than the tone of your voice telling me that you were probably nervous (which isn’t surprising) I don’t remember if we talked about the weather, our days at work? Nothing. But I do remember looking at you and smiling. I loved that your car was messy when you picked me up. I remember looking at your hand as you shifted gears. The way you wearing glasses changed the image of you that I had in my head. I wish I could remember anything about that day. What was I wearing? What were you wearing?

We’d talked on the phone before we met but do you remember? the line was really bad and I couldn’t really hear you so it was like I was hearing your voice for the first time. And it was so lovely. Not just hearing your voice but hearing your words coming out of your mouth in real time. And not waiting for you to type at me. It used to really get to me that you’d type and then stop and then type and then stop and then type and then stop. All of that filtering of your thoughts you’d be doing but in person there wasn’t that option. And I loved that.

Looking back on it, I can’t believe how quickly everything happened. What was our first kiss like? Was it perfect? It probably wasn’t. But I also can’t remember a kiss with you that was bad so it was probably pretty great. I know I moved too quickly for you and I still feel equal parts mortified and also like I want to burst into laughter thinking about it. One of us maybe said something about there being too many clothes between us? Maybe it was one of those things that we said without any words? But I remember I pulled off both my leggings and my underwear at the same time. And until the day I die I will forever remember the look of panic on your face when you saw what I’d done. Oh my god, it was a moment of sheer terror like, dear lord, what have I done?

And I remember I told you afterwards about the look on your face and what I thought when I saw it. I told you that it’s likely we’d never do that again so I may as well just enjoy the experience in the moment. And I did. It’s hard to write this post because I still remember what your skin feels like, what it feels like to have your body pressed against mine, the feel of your hair under my fingers, your tongue on me, your cold fingers.

Maybe it wasn’t the first time that we met that I fell in love with your (lack of) earlobes, the soft skin of your neck, the way your chest was mostly smooth, running my fingers along the shape of your face, across your lips. It wasn’t the first time we met that I did those things. But it was the start of those things. It was the start of you and me.