One of the things that my ex and I had in common was that we wanted to have more (and a whole range of different) sexual experiences. I don’t quite remember when visiting a sex club was first mentioned but it was definitely an intriguing idea.

I remember looking online for descriptions of sex clubs, what they might be like, trying to get some idea of what might happen at them so I could picture things beforehand. I specifically remember looking at descriptions of local sex clubs and wondering ‘what’s a grope maze and how does that work?’ or looking at pictures uploaded to Instagram wondering ‘…but why is the pole so tall? For what purpose does that serve?’ And I think this just goes to show that I overthink things that are possibly meant to be fun.

We decided that we were going to visit a sex club nearby that had a sort of taster session event on Wednesday evenings. It was worked for our schedules but also it felt like a good beginner event to dip our (nervous) toes into. There was so much nerves beforehand. I went back and forth about what to wear to this thing. In the end I opted for a flippy black skirt over my favourite green lingerie. He met me at work and I drove us both. I remember driving to the club and rubbing my thumb over the grooves on my steering wheel as some way to regulate my emotions.

I had meant to switch my music over to play music from my soothing playlist but I hadn’t and I kept skipping songs as they came on, especially if they didn’t give me the right type of calming tone that I wanted. I can’t remember if it was this time or another time but Self Esteem by The Offspring started playing and I skipped it. My ex said ‘I was just about to say I haven’t heard The Offspring in ages and I guess I still haven’t’ and to this day it still makes me laugh and think of that moment whenever that song is played.

When we got there, it was fairly dead. For the next couple of hours? But I quite liked that it was just us. We were able to explore quite a bit. Every confusing thing in that sex club we ended up at least talking about. I remember the glory holes being confusing in terms of where the holes were and it didn’t make sense but it gave us something to laugh about. I also laughed at the idea of my ex (being very tall) trying to crawl into a cage in the dungeon (was that this club or the other one?).

I don’t really remember much about that night. Most of it is just memories of me and him together, moving from one place to another talking, focusing so much on each other. We spent time in a private room, and when we emerged again more people had arrived. A few single men sitting on the sofas and not making eye contact with others, some couples that might smile at us as they walked past us but didn’t stop to say anything. Maybe we weren’t that social with others that night but if I’m honest, I think I was so addicted to him that it was hard for me to pull myself out of his orbit and pay attention to other people. He was everything. I felt like I was getting a contact high from being around him, being able to have one ongoing conversation with him, touching him. I didn’t need anyone or anything else.

It got to a point that I actually forgot that there were other people at this club with us. Everything about that night seemed like it was just me and him. Some of that was perhaps designed, I don’t remember us walking towards other people but I remember us walking away from them to find a quieter, more secluded place for us to be together. We were in the dungeon, on a bed behind bars when it happened. We were lying on the bed talking and at some point I ended up thinking god, he’s so good looking and it’s impossible how much I adore him.

And somehow we were kissing and it’s getting heated and his head is between my legs and it all feels so good, I’m lost in the feeling of his mouth on me, and I’m lost in him that it’s several moments after my orgasm hits that I remember that we’re in a place where others can see us and in fact there’s a couple sitting just behind the bars watching us. The very second that I realise we have an audience mortification runs through me and I think I shouted something like ‘oh my god, did you know there were people watching us?!’ and it was like somehow, despite it all, he pulled me back into our bubble where it was just me and him again.

I don’t remember a lot of the other details of that night. Someone was doing some sort of rope demonstration in the dungeon but it seemed sort of boring. I remember leaning myself into him at these tall barstools and thinking how nice it was to just press myself against him. I remember when we left the owner/bartender tried to tempt us to stay by telling us about some action in the porn cinema but we both looked at each other and thought nah. It was nice in the car on the way home to talk about everything that had happened, to process our actual experiences against the expectations we both had.

All in all, it was a good first experience.