Not long after I had a cancer scare I had another type of scare. My periods have never been consistently on time, there’s been quite a few occasions where things have arrived a few days early or a few days late. But earlier this year, I had a scare when my period hadn’t arrived after a week AND my nipples ended up being really sore in a way that felt unusual.

I googled ‘why are my nipples so sore’ and the results came back to say friction from exercise or skin conditions or … hormonal changes like during pregnancy or menstruation. Which would make sense if I ever exercise or if I was bleeding at the time. But I wasn’t. And so yeah. I thought … what if I’m pregnant.

I hadn’t really considered being worried about this when it was just a late period. I’m in my 40s, I figured I’ve probably hit peri-menopause and this is just my life now where I’ve got inconsistency and unusual body things happening. Yes, I’m sexually active but I have reliable birth control and I use condoms every time. So my worry levels were incredibly low. Until the nipple ache. And the nipple ache just continued and became a nuisance and there seemed to be no real cause for it. So once the idea came into my head, I couldn’t really ignore it.

And I did reach out to several people to talk about my worry. Mostly those people I’d had sex with at some point. At the time of my pregnancy scare, between my last period and the period that didn’t show up, I’d had three sexual partners and was still in contact with two of them.

Thankfully (is this the right word?), one of them hadn’t come when we’d had sex so he was ruled out as a potential anything and reduced the risk by one. And that didn’t really ease any of my worry but it did help that he was kind about it, he understood I was worried.

The other person I told sent me a message that read (out of context) as ‘So what?’ that triggered some anxiety even if he didn’t intend his message to be that harsh. I remember thinking …how am I even having sex with a person that might respond in a situation like this with ‘SO WHAT’ It really didn’t help matters.

I decided that I’d go out the next morning and buy a pregnancy test. There’s a store near to my house and even though it would have only taken a few minutes to drive home I decided that in my impatience to know that I’d do the test in the store toilets. When I stepped into it though the smell of it made me gag (and I briefly wondered if a sensitivity to smell was pregnancy related) and I quickly made my way back to my car.

My hands were shaking as I took the pregnancy test out of the box, tried to read the instructions on the little leaflet to know what to look out for and then I just got on with it, I had plans that day that would keep me out of the house the rest of the day and I just wanted it done, I wanted to know.

I wasn’t pregnant.

The test results were clear very quickly and the test line showed up clear as anything with no second line to confirm a pregnancy. I remember feel shaky with relief. But I was also feeling a lot of other things too.

Mostly shame. And I don’t then and still don’t know how to get rid of this feeling like I’ve done something wrong. I remember before I bought the pregnancy test thinking …what would I do if I was pregnant? How would I tell my family? How would I tell my friends or colleagues? I obviously wouldn’t have kept it but I feel like I just didn’t have the strength to tell my ex husband or my children that I had become pregnant. That it could have been one of three potential fathers.

And I don’t think I’d judge a friend going through this situation. Even a stranger. But I’m all for judging myself, for slut shaming myself in this way. Like, what are you doing acting foolishly at your age? Getting pregnant? In your 40s? Or even, having casual sex with multiple men? Not even being sure of whose it might be? There was a lot of criticism in my head over this period of time.

A lot of my thoughts centred around this idea of ‘what are you doing with your life? How did you get to this point?’ And I know logically that I’m not doing anything wrong, I don’t need to justify my relationships, sexual or otherwise to anyone. And yet I still feel shame. I still feel guilty, maybe. Selfish. Embarrassed to be have been in this situation.

And I need to figure out a way to be kinder to myself. To adopt some self-compassion. I did everything I should have. I am responsible in my birth control decisions and using protection. And I am also deserving of sexual fulfilment. I knew that in ending my marriage that would mean looking for others to meet my emotional and physical needs.

I sometimes feel like I don’t deserve happiness or to have sex and pleasure because of the bomb I dropped on my marriage. But it isn’t true. I do deserve happiness. And pleasure. I just need to believe it when I tell myself.