I mentioned in another post that something I daydream about with others is about falling asleep with them and today I thought I’d share a little bit more about that.

There’s something about falling asleep with someone that I feel is incredibly intimate. I had someone I was briefly having sex with recently that kept inviting me over to his place. Like, to stay overnight and I just found the very idea of it too much. It felt like too much too soon in any case. So it never happened.

I think part of that is because I’ve only ever ‘stayed over’ with one person. My ex husband, who I was married to for literal decades. And now that I’m in this situation where I might stay over with a new sexual or romantic partner? It feels a little bit scary.

Which isn’t to say that I’m not into the idea of it. I’ve talked a lot about my English teacher friend. How much his friendship meant to me in me figuring out things about myself and what I wanted in life. What I didn’t want in life. And at the same time I was having this epiphany in my romantic and sexual life I was going through the actual worst time in my personal life. My dad was very poorly and he wasn’t getting any better.

And it was during this time that I started having daydreams about my English teacher friend. And they mostly just involved me putting my head on his shoulder until I fell asleep. Because I was always tired at that time. I wasn’t sleeping well from the stress and worry. And I wanted to be with someone who would just be there with me and with whom I could do what I needed the most. Sleep. Sometimes I thought about him hugging me or falling asleep nestled into him. But mostly it was just me leaning on him and dozing off. Knowing that I was safe to do so.

It always felt like ‘fantasy’ was about safety, about comfort.

Years later, when I was with my ex, my daydream had changed. I still thought about falling asleep leaning against him. And once, when we were together he did fall asleep. It became one of the things that I think back on our relationship and remember really fondly. But it wasn’t what I ended up thinking about with him. We had so little time together that my thoughts of him ended up taking on other paths.

With him, I always thought of waking up and seeing him. I vividly remember fantasies where I opened my eyes and there he was. For me, with him? It was always about him still being there. About him staying. That I could close my eyes, that I could sleep, and the dream was that when I woke up, he’d still be there.