I was having a text conversation with someone the other day and I got hit in the face by the most obvious realisation about myself that I could possibly have come across.

It doesn’t quite matter what the topic of conversation was. But I had said that I had broken an arbitrary rule that I’d had for myself on several occasions. My friend asked what made you break your rule? So I sat with the question for about 90 seconds before I had my answer.

…I really like it when people give me lots of attention…

This was the most obvious thing I’ve ever realised about myself. And yet. And yet until I thought it the other day I had never actually considered it.

For actual years I’ve said when people have asked that my type were kind, funny, smart people with a passion for absolutely anything. All of that I knew. What I didn’t know was that I was missing that obvious thing. That I’m also ridiculously, wildly attracted to those kind, funny smart, passionate people who are also incredibly attentive and positively fascinated with me as a person.

How did I not know that?!

It makes so much sense. It means that these people are very interested in getting to know me as a person which means we’re probably emotionally connected and therefore that passes my demisexual condition. And it also is likely that they’d tell me of their sexual interest in me passing my reciprosexual condition … and with all that attention, it would be very likely that these people would give me the constant reassurance that I need so that the anxious part of my brain doesn’t shoot off into outer space.

Now that I am aware of the Actual Obvious Thing Ever I can see that I’ve written about this in so many different ways. On dates I’ll notice when someone’s attention is just on me. The time I had a spontaneous sexual attraction to that man on the train it was because he was paying me lots of attention. The sex that I like and crave is one where they’re looking at me, touching me, paying attention to my responses, my noises …and just generally fucking paying me lots of attention.

All of my relationships have been affected by attention or lack of it. What a lightbulb moment.

What’s crazy is that I’ve answered questions before about what turns me off a person? And I’ve always answered ‘disinterest’ without ever considering that the opposite is the biggest aphrodisiac of my entire life.

What will I do with this brand new information? I have no idea. But it’s good to know these things.