I can’t even tell you how often I think of a conversation I had years ago with the Soldier. I guess I haven’t written about him as much as I have about other people but don’t be fooled. He was a very important person in my life and our relationship was hugely meaningful to me.

There are a lot of reasons for that. Him as a person was just incredibly appealing. He was the first person that inspired sexual fantasy in me. He made me think and feel and question who I am and why certain things affected me in the ways they did. And he was also such a great sounding board for me. I didn’t have people at the time that I could talk to about sex in the way that I did with him. I probably still don’t.

But I remember one time we were messaging and I’d said something about my attitude towards sex. And he asked something like ‘but why?’ and I had to think about it and when I did I responded and he had me dig a little deeper. And then he said this thing.

Essentially what I told him is that my life felt out of control. And through sex (primarily at this time masturbation) I could control something. I could make myself feel better and I liked the high of that feeling, I wanted more of it. Especially when I was stressed or lonely or sad. It wouldn’t make the problems go away but it would be a nice distraction.

And that’s when he said the way that he and I both thought about sex was one step away from being unhealthy coping mechanisms. That with an added element of being out of control with wanting that feeling it could very well be a sex addiction. Did I ever consider how close I was to letting the need for sex and that floaty high feeling to take over? he asked me.

And I hadn’t. Not until he said those words. And every time I turn more to sex, every time I am going through stress (like I am right now) and start thinking if I just had that feeling a little bit more I think of him and this conversation. He almost feels like the angel on my shoulder warning me not to lose sight of my control. Enjoy it but don’t depend on it.