This thing happened recently that I’m not sure about.

For context, everyone knows of my rollercoaster relationship with him. He’s insisted in the two years that I’ve known him that he’s never been jealous anytime I’ve seen other people. And I do believe him.

But sometimes when he says he’s genuinely not jealous it sounds as though he means he doesn’t experience jealousy as opposed to just not feeling jealous over me.

And I know that to not be true.

One of the first times he sent me messages with lots and lots of words all at once it was to relay a story of a woman he’d met a couple years ago and he said he’d been ‘working really hard’ to arrange to see her again. And that when she was available, she’d chosen to meet up with someone else instead of him. And he was fairly twisted up over it. I think at the time he even mentioned losing all interest in meeting others or putting in the energy anymore for any of it.

And at the time, two things really stuck out for me. And both really hurt me. The first is obviously the jealousy he felt about this woman meeting someone else. But the second is maybe less obvious but hurt more. And that was the amount of effort he was putting into over an extended period of time to meet up with her.

I don’t believe he’s ever been jealous of anyone I’ve met. And I don’t believe he’s ever put in any effort to meet me.

So both were pretty painful. Following that conversation we had a falling out and then obviously reconciled. But the hurt from that is still there. It came up again recently, in fact.

But I mention all of this only for context.

Because what I was actually intending to write about today is that this woman is married and in a ‘hot wife’ situation and they have a couples profile on the website we all use. And this thing happened recently in which this couples account sent me a message the other day when I had decided I was no longer going to be messaging my on/off person.

And when I got this message from this couple, I didn’t know what to do.

I reached out to a friends group chat for advice (who all advised I delete the message and not get pulled into anything complicated) but you know me. I don’t make smart decisions sometimes. And I was struck by this awkward, morbid curiosity about why on earth THIS couple in particular had reached out to me.

So I opened the message. And I responded.

I’ve never interacted with her. It’s only been with her husband and while they do know that they and I both know him, they don’t know whether I know him in a platonic or sexual way. I figure it’s not my place to share that information.

And I guess while it started out as a weird curiosity about them what I’ve learned through maybe a month or more of messaging is that they seem like a normal couple. Who do normal things. I don’t think I was expecting to learn anything about his relationship with her or anything. And I certainly haven’t asked any questions that aren’t my business.

But it is a weird situation to be in. I think I’m still trying to roll around in my brain my reasons for pursuing this friendship. I fear the answer isn’t a good one but it’s also as though my brain isn’t allowing me closer to the truth of it just yet.

I put this out into the world for accountability. I hope I’m not being some sort of creep in this situation. Did I just want it as a means of getting back in touch with him? Did I want to use my own knowledge of this couple as a way of connecting with him?

Only time will tell, I guess.