When I first saw, I thought it was jealousy.

At some point in the past few years, he’d taken his face pictures off his profile. And then in the past few weeks, he added some back. Including one impossibly handsome picture that when I saw it, it nearly took my breath away.

And I thought it was jealousy. When I saw that he’d added this back to his profile, I thought this is for someone else. It’s for someone else’s benefit, someone that he’s trying to impress. By adding his face back to his profile I thought it meant that he was open to being open with other people. Like in that way he was when he and I first met. Being all cute and flirty and vulnerable.

But when I really stopped to consider my feelings about it, I realised that it wasn’t actual jealousy that I was feeling. It wasn’t that I was jealous that he’d do this for other people.

I was feeling more upset that he hadn’t chosen me. That it wasn’t for me.

It’s been an eye-opening experience for me realising how I really feel about this man. And realising that I don’t want his attention but that I do want him to choose me was startling.