Recently my ex husband I hit a deadline that I’ve been waiting for. Whenever I talk about actually splitting our finances and living elsewhere from each other, he’s always delayed things. And delayed things. And delayed things.

So much so that it’s been nearly 6 years of us being separated and living in the same house. I was okay for that first year. But after that? Not so much.

So I’ve been waiting for this particular deadline. I was calling it ‘Freedom Day’ in my head.

There was a slight hiccup prior to Freedom Day that came in and I thought that was going to be a reason for my ex husband to want to delay but I held firm and we agreed. No delay.

So Freedom Day arrived and we sat down to have a conversation. He suggested a date for us to file the paperwork. He said he’d made a decision about the family home. I was relieved and surprised that it was all going so well.

And then he said it. He had said that he wanted to keep the family home and for me to move out. I said that was fine, that the boys would appreciate the familiarity of him keeping the house. That they were settled in the house, in their rooms. With the neighbourhood, with everything. I said that I was assuming because he was keeping the house that they would want to continue living with him. I wasn’t fighting him on it.

But, I said, it also doesn’t make a difference to any choices I make in my future regarding accommodation. I’d still always choose a place to live that would have enough room for either or both of them to live with me. That would be the same if he was keeping the house or not.

At this he got upset. Said whatever happened, he’d want the boys to stay with him. I reminded him that I wasn’t fighting him on that decision, that I’d say I’m sure they’d want the same? But he couldn’t just have a civil conversation with me. Not about this.

He said that it made sense that the boys stayed with him because ‘being a parent comes more natural to him’ and he mentioned ‘like with cooking them dinner’ and then tailed off.

He was referring to a time two weeks prior in which I had a migraine and I had said to the boys that my head was pounding, did they mind making themselves a sandwich or something from the freezer? They were both happy with that.

But I saw red when he said it. How dare he say that parenting doesn’t come naturally to me? How very dare he. Out of all of the awful, mean-spirited things he’s ever said to me, and that list is long, this might have been the worst thing. And he said it so casually too. Like he was citing fact.

I said to him let’s stop this conversation because this wasn’t the right time for it (because I was so angry at him) but I couldn’t stop there and I said to him that there’s more to being a parent than slapping dinner on the table or paying the bills. That there’s an awful lot that has to do with emotional support and if it comes down to it we both know that one of us is better than the other at that. And I let that sentence tail off too. I didn’t need to finish it for him to know what I meant. He immediately said he agreed, this isn’t the best time to have this conversation and left the room.

How is it possible that I’ve been married to this man for so long?