I saw something online awhile ago that really made me think.

I can’t remember the exact wording but it essentially said you don’t have feelings for him, you have feelings for his potential. When I read it, it felt like an actual punch to the gut.

And I sat with that for awhile before realising … shit, that’s really true.

It isn’t him right now that I’m into. Not with him being flaky with communication and having zero availability. The honest truth of it is, he doesn’t really seem that curious about me and rarely asks me questions.

But me, on the other hand, I’m the problem. Because when I thought about it, I thought about what things might be like when my divorce is finalised, when I’m finally living on my own and have more freedom.

I thought about …what if things were different then? and he could come over sometime. And what if some of those times he did, it wasn’t just a quick fumble in bed before he left? What if he did finally take me up on those offers to grab a coffee sometime? Or a walk and talk?

I was really banking on what could be between us that I forgot to acknowledge what the reality of us looks like right now. And how do we get to the what if? between us when he leaves me on read 80% of the time.

I really needed that wake up call.