What made me do it? I still don’t really know.

I feel like there’s something broken inside me and because of it, I do this thing where I really want to feel close to someone so I do something scary and intimate and then afterwards I think whoa, too scary, too intimate.

That happened the other day.

Had we been feeling distant? Was I trying to make up for something? I don’t really remember. Maybe it was a day where I was trying to tempt him to give me attention, maybe even come over to see me? In hindsight I think, why was I trying so hard? But in the moment, it must have made sense.

I’ve sent him explicit messages in the past. I’ve sent him explicit pictures in the past. I’ve even sent him a video before but the video wasn’t very explicit. You could hear me more than see me.

But the other day, for whatever reason that I don’t remember, I sent him a very explicit video. It started with me rubbing the glass dildo still frosty from being in the freezer over one nipple, running it across my skin, pulling my knickers to one side before I circled the glass dildo around my clit… before putting inside me. You can hear the moan I give when that icy cold dildo penetrates me.

And he found it hot. Not hot enough to do anything about it. Was it enough to film it? send it to him? was his reaction enough? It probably wasn’t.

After that I knew that I needed space. I felt like I had crossed some sort of line that couldn’t be uncrossed. I needed to regroup after that video. I needed … something. And I couldn’t get whatever that something was from continuing the way we were.

But then, of course, when we did message next, it ended up being a pretty big deal.