Category: sex

Swingers Party

June 10, 2025

sex

During my ‘saying yes’ phase, I said yes to going to a private swingers party. The idea of it had come up before when I was still with my ex and I quickly discounted it as being too out there for me. So when an opportunity came around again … my initial thoughts was still ‘no’ but in its favour that the party fell on a day that is particularly hard for me and I knew I’d need distraction. Plus, I wanted to say ‘yes’ to more things! So I did.

The host of the private party was really good, he answered all my questions and was highly communicative. He assured me that whenever I got there he would introduce me to the other single women there and some of his own personal friends that would look out for me when he still had hosting responsibilities. He even (the absolute chore of it!) let me send some different outfit ideas to get his opinion. We ended up building this interesting rapport beforehand and I really needed that to feel comfortable.

I was obviously immensely nervous. But on the night, I showed up not too early and not too late. I had been too shy to really look at the list of attendees beforehand or send any messages to anyone. I was really on a ‘I’m going to wing it’ mission. I felt like it was enough that I’d made it there. I kept telling myself if I took one step in and hated the feel of it, I’d just turn around and go back home.

But the host of the party was reversing his car into the driveway when I arrived and he yelled ‘IT’S YOU’ really excitedly when I told him who I was. And that kind of excitement to see me made me feel like maybe this wouldn’t be too bad? So even though the host couldn’t stay and chat, I made my way into the party. Everyone was crowded in the kitchen where all the drinks were mingling. I’m not a great mingler at the best of times so these parts were the hardest.

Thankfully, the other two single women at this party were lovely and welcoming and when they heard this was my first party, they really looked out for me. Led me from room to room, peppering me with questions. Talking about some of the previous parties, how some of the people knew each other. We ended up near a speaker listening to 90s pop music which, again, made me feel more relaxed.

I feel like the other people at the party were a little intimidating. They were all couples and seemed very coupley and they mostly chatted amongst themselves. Aside from the two women, one of their (male) FWBs and the host, I didn’t really interact with many other people. But that was okay. Baby steps into the big scary thing.

The weirdest thing that happened at this party was that we got talking to this man that had the largest, heaviest penis piercing I’ve ever seen. It’s seriously looked like it weighed at least 5lbs. Just hanging off the end of his penis like that. I think he actually rested the piercing in the pocket of his jeans and I don’t blame him. Sadly, neither he nor his partner were able to answer my questions in a satisfactory way for me so I wandered away from them.

The layout of the house meant that downstairs was the kitchen and area for snacks and the large living room with music and plenty of places to sit. Upstairs was where all the action was. So I could stay in the safe zone if I wanted. Or I could venture upstairs to see what was going on. It wasn’t until the host came over to chat and he asked if I wanted to see upstairs that I really plucked up my courage for it though.

In one of the rooms a woman was bent over and being whipped by something. They were okay for me to watch for a bit, and I got invited to hit her once too but I politely declined. This room wasn’t for me.

In the next room, one of the single women (who was beautiful and curvy in the very best way) was on the bed being teased by the FWB I’d met earlier who had been really helpful. It felt like the host and I walking in interrupted whatever they were starting. But that interruption was used to … invite myself and the host onto the big bed for more sexual antics.

I’ll say that I wasn’t even hesitant at this point. I think I wanted to really throw myself into whatever was on offer (except flogging some poor woman, apparently) so I ended up saying ‘yes’ quite a few times to her, the FWB and the host. The FWB had a scary looking glove covered in spikes that he ran very gently along my ass to show that it really wasn’t as scary as it looked. It could be but only if I wanted it to be.

Another couple came in and casually started fucking in the sex swing that was near the bed. Others came in and just watched the sex display as the four of us changed positions and partners. I am never quite sure if I’m into watching others or being watched and I’m afraid I was never that aware of people watching enough to answer that question for myself.

There was a moment that I did feel mildly uncomfortable. Both the single women (and the host and FWB) all assured me that if anything were to make me uncomfortable to say so and things would stop. That everyone would respect boundaries etc. I think actually they were talking about men – that if men overstepped, I should say something. The person who actually overstepped was one of the single women. I was on the bed, bent over giving a blowjob when one of the single women leaned over me and swiped her tongue around my asshole.

The thing is, it actually did feel nice but I tensed immediately when it happened and had to turn to her to say ‘I’m sorry, but I’m not really into that’ And me saying that meant the two men on the bed went into recovery mode and had to check with everyone that things were okay and we all had another consent check. But things were weird between me and her after that. I don’t think women like being called out when they overstep.

Overall, I’m glad I went. It was terrifying to say ‘yes’ to and even scarier walking through the front door. It was hard trying to find my way into conversation and that was made easier by the friendliness of those around me. I feel like I took part enough for me to feel like I’d made the most of the experience and actually, when one of the women said she was leaving at 11pm I said I was tired too and left at the same time.

I read back on how I’ve written and described this party and I feel quite detached from the whole experience – it all happened and I actually did enjoy some of the sex that happened but I think the whole context of the evening set me on edge. I don’t think these types of parties are for me and at least I know that.

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First Time With a Woman

June 6, 2025

sex

The first couple I met for a threesome I found on Feeld. They were attractive, really responsive to messages, talked very openly about wanting a connection. That connection was still important to them even though they were only looking for a one-off was very important to me.

I found it interesting, their situation. They were a young couple, had met at university, had been together for years. Monogamous most of the year except around the time of his birthday. It could have been hers. It came about because one year, they went on holiday with a friend around this birthday time with a hot tub and one thing led to another and they had their first threesome together. So as a birthday tradition they open their relationship once a year and then close it. It works for them, I guess. And I was happy they let me in, even briefly.

When I first met them in a cafe, she was so pretty but a little quiet. He had an easy smile and was very charming and chatty. I liked the way they interacted with each other, they way they teased each other, the way he helped bring her out of her shell a bit. And they engaged with me easily together and individually. I felt comfortable with them right away.

Before we got into the sex between us, I had told them that I wasn’t sure if my bisexuality was more of a theoretical thing. Like I wasn’t sure if in the moment I might find that maybe I wasn’t that into women as I first thought and they took this on board and were okay with me needing a helping hand and some patience. So when later, we were talking in their living room, me feeling quite relaxed in their company he decided to kick things off by asking me ‘if I were to kiss one of them, who would I choose?’ and I immediately looked at her, and at her lips.

Did I say already how pretty she was? She had this mass of curly brown hair, it was chaos and at one point he just silently left us and came back with a hair thing for her to tie it back. But she had these really delicate features, such a small soft mouth. And I loved kissing her. The softness of her was such a surprise to me. I don’t think I’d ever really considered men not being soft but everything about her felt soft to me.

He ended up just watching the two of us for a bit. She had smallish breasts with fairly large protruding nipples that I loved playing with, putting in my mouth. I couldn’t get enough of touching her. And she just seemed to know when I was ready to try the next thing. She stood up at one point to give me access to between her thighs and I remember looking at her then like, here we go, please don’t let everything get ruined here. But she just gave me an encouraging nod before I dove in. And couldn’t get enough of her.

When he joined in, it felt like sensual overload. I already felt so overwhelmed with all the newness of another woman’s body. But then he added his mouth and tongue into the mix, his hands, his cock. And at times I almost felt sad that I had to close my eyes to all the sensations and not see how gorgeous they both were in this moment, totally given over to passion and pleasure.

Afterwards, she did something that I was not expecting at all. When I think about it now it still makes me laugh. But she like, gave me her review of my part in our threesome! She told me I was a very dominant kisser, that I gave oral with great enthusiasm and that I tasted sweet. I’ve never been so pleased and so embarrassed at the same time. It was with reluctance that I deleted their number knowing it was only to ever happen the once between us.

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What’s Better?

June 3, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I recently saw someone online ask what’s better than that moment when he slips inside you? There was more to it but that was the gist.

And no shade to the person who asked the question, but I gave it a lot of thought and I came up with a list of things that I enjoy more. I do like some good penetration, but…

When literally nobody gets your humour and you tell a joke, just under your breath, and someone hears it, gets it, and laughs.

When you start to explain about how hard it is to be a woman/bisexual/demisexual/mixed race woman/whatever it is and the other person just gets it. Gets you. No explanation required.

Curling up with your dog for a nap or literally spending any time doing anything with your dog who heals you every single day and teaches you so much about joy and love and especially about the giving and receiving of unconditional love.

When you make an obscure book reference and someone understands.

When you’ve nearly cried starting to tell a story and you have to stop and take a deep breath and you think about just not sharing but you look at him and you feel so accepted and safe and seen that you know it’ll be okay to be that emotional with him.

When you’ve lived your entire adult life with people who don’t like touching or being touched and you spend a whole day with someone happy to touch you in a million tiny ways.

When, since infancy, it’s always been you that gets stuff done, does all the things and then you meet someone who says let me take care of this, let me take care of you.

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The One I Still Think About

June 2, 2025

dating, sex

Around the same sort of time I started a 14 month relationship with someone very special to me (I haven’t yet talked about him on this blog!) I started messaging with this one person. We got on really well, had some great conversations. After about six weeks of fairly intense conversations, we decided to meet up. Only he had to cancel last minute. And we rescheduled for the next day …and he was a no show.

It was with a lot of regret that I ended up blocking him on Whatsapp and unmatching with him on Tinder. Because standing me up? Not cool. Fast forward about 18 months and I’ve joined this other site. And in the first week of me joining, I get a message from him. I’m using a different location, a different name, different pictures he’s never seen and …he recognises me from just my lips.

His message where he writes to me fairly confident that he’s got the right person almost two years after we last messaged last just made me laugh so much that I gave him another chance. His reason for standing me up made sense for who he was and he was very contrite. It felt quite easy to pick up where we had left off.

And we started going for walks. Every time I met him I felt like I just constantly smiled and laughed. I remember once we were having a conversation about science fiction and I like, danced around in excitement because he’d said something that I’d long thought but I’d never heard anyone else say. And I think that was the thing with him. Everything just felt so easy and comfortable. And I pretty much thought despite that we’d connected on Tinder initially and on another sex site that everything was platonic between us. Just two people who enjoy each other’s company and have some shared interests.

It was on our second walk when he started giving me this look like ‘aren’t you adorable?’ as I was babbling about something. When I stopped and said ‘what?’ He leaned in and then sort of stopped like, if you don’t want to be kissed you should say or pull away. So of course I start spilling words out – What are we doing? I didn’t think we were kissing friends? Are we really doing this? And he smiled, and said ‘Let’s see how it goes’ and leaned in for the sweetest, softest kiss ever. And I hadn’t expected there to be such electricity between us.

I have eyes, so I obviously knew he was very good looking. His dark hair in this almost messy wave, with really big brown eyes. A very expressive, open face. But I was seeing it in a brand new light after he kissed me. And I pretty much got in my car after that and drove off in a bit of a daze. Because of the reciprosexual thing, I hadn’t ever considered any sort of possibility of anything more with him. Until that kiss.

When I got home though? I thought about it. A lot. I think a lot about anyone that so easily makes me happy. So we arranged for plans again soon. Another walk in a pretty place halfway between where we both lived. And …it was pretty much like the other walks, we walked and as we did we talked about my dog, or the food he liked to cook, about holidays we’d been on before, more book talk. And I almost forgot that we’d had that one great kiss the last time we’d seen each other.

One of the things that we did talk about was about our friendship. He had said that as much as he loved kissing me and no matter how much he wanted to strip me out of my dress, one of the things he’d miss too much was if the sex stuff broke what we had as friends. That he really enjoyed talking about everything with me and he wanted that to continue. I agreed.

But we got back to our cars and it’s like the reminder that we both needed to leave spurred us into a very hot make out session. So hot that I had to pull him into the backseat of my car where we pawed at each other and kissed. And again, that’s where it ended. We both drove off and I went home to have more vaguely sexy thoughts about this sexy man and his soft hair and strong arms.

I was getting a bit frustrated by this pattern we were in so I went into planning mode. The next time we met, there would be more time. There would be some …satisfaction for all this sexual energy. And it happened. It felt pretty weird to lose some of our clothes. To have the opportunity to touch each other in places we hadn’t before. The sex was different than I’d expected. Varying at times between soft and gentle into this almost reckless abandon. But it felt like all of it fit with how we were.

I remember afterwards I said something like oh god, I hope I wasn’t too loud. And he said ‘shhh, you were perfect’ as he pulled me into his chest for a cuddle and we just stayed like that for ages as he stroked my back. There’s something so …necessary for me about that after sex cuddle and some reassurance. And he knew what I needed in that moment.

We met up another time after that for another walk and chat. But soon after that he went through a patch of difficulty in his life where he was signed off from work for an extended period of time. What he was going through was pretty rough and while I did send messages for awhile that said ‘I’m still here and I care about you’ in different ways, I’m not sure if he ever saw or read them. It’s been about a year and I never heard from him again.

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Sweet Beginnings

May 30, 2025

dating, sex

More than one person has said to me privately that a lot of my stories and blog posts end up on some rather sad or bittersweet endings (Difficult Choices, Electric Kisses, Crush and Burn to name a few!). Sometimes this is just unfortunate timing, bad luck. Sometimes it’s me making choices that aren’t good for me. But I wanted to reassure you today that it isn’t all bittersweet for me! Things do work out. And they work out for me. So today is more about a sweet beginning.

I have this person in my life, I think one of the first things he said to me in a message was that he was interested in me, but if there isn’t attraction, he’s at least fun and interesting company. And he so is. That’s such a him thing to say too. I love spending time with him. Not only is he very funny but he’s got a beautiful face, really quick to smile and laugh. But I think the thing I like about him most is how he makes me feel. Which is safe, accepted. I can be anxious and weird around him, I can be morose and thoughtful, I can be loud and dramatic. All the different parts of me, and it feels okay.

And I’ve met him several times now. The first time we hung out over drinks, talking and laughing. And other times we’ve hung out together naked in bed but still with the talking and laughing. He does this thing, and he’s done it all of the times we’ve met so far – which is saying something about me, for sure, but I bring it up as a thing I’m pointing out about him – where whenever we’re crossing the street together he stops me before I just casually step into oncoming traffic. It’s such a small thing but I love it when he does it. I’ll be babbling about something when we’re outside and he’ll be like, hey, I’m looking out for you. I like it.

We have things in common. Being non-monogamous, having an interest in the world and specifically an interest in the experience of marginalised people. Having complicated families and relationships. An interest in poetry. In getting to the heart of things. Sometimes it feels like ‘Yes, you get it!’ at the same time as utter bafflement when one of us has to explain something (obvious) to the other that we don’t get because of all of our differences too. But I think that makes it more fun and interesting.

Sex with him is good. But I think sex with him is good because of all the other stuff I’ve mentioned. The care he shows me, the things we have in common, the comfort I feel to be myself around him, that he makes me laugh. There’s such sexiness when it comes with knowing how you feel about a person, knowing how they feel about you. There’s a sexiness about having a friendship that’s big enough to encompass sexy times and for it to just enhance your friendship more than anything else.

And there’s a sexiness about someone who just makes me smile. I’m currently making plans to see him again…

Updated to add: Wrote this too soon. Bittersweet it is.

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Exploring Fantasies

May 28, 2025

sex

I’ve written before about a man that had an enormous impact on my life (and also a fantasy that he inspired!) But there were also other things that he helped me realise. It was through him that I first had an interest in writing poetry again and he also helped me unravel parts of myself I hadn’t known by exploring our fantasies together.

That’s pretty much how it started. We had been talking for quite some time before things turned sexual between us. And when it did, he always had questions. What do I like? What makes me feel good? What would I do if I had the chance to explore sex more? And I don’t think I always had the answers for a lot of his questions. Not then, anyway. So we talked about it more.

Once, he asked me outright to tell him a fantasy I’d had. And at this time I was firmly of the belief that I’m heavily submissive (more on this later!) and I described to him this fantasy I had about being tied up in bed and being teased and then fucked. It felt only slightly mortifying to describe this fantasy in detail to him but he took it in his stride. Asking questions, trying to probe what I’d prefer in different parts of my fantasy – this or that? to really flesh out my fantasy. I could tell, and he probably told me at the time, that this wasn’t a scenario that appealed to him but that didn’t matter. It was about me and what I wanted to explore so he walked me through my description and was really with me on it.

Afterwards, I felt relief. Both because some of my embarrassment had ended but also because I’d been able to put into words something that I’d only ever thought of before this. It felt like a release. And because I thought it had been such a great experience for me to talk about my innermost desires, I asked him to do the same. To tell me a fantasy of his in great detail. When he said his fantasy was a threesome with two women I distinctly remember my eyes nearly rolling out of my head and I probably typed at him that he’s such a cliche. But in a lighthearted, we feel really comfortable with each other way.

But of course because he’d been so patient and great and walking me through my fantasy I decided to do the same with him. I started asking questions about what appeals about it, what makes it a fantasy for him, what it would look like to me. But he wasn’t satisfied with him making all the decisions on this fantasy.

He said that I’d be one of the women in this fantasy so why don’t I think of what the other woman would be like? So, reluctantly, I closed my eyes and thought of the sexiest woman I could think of …and in that same second a picture fully formed appeared in my head, and it was of my best friend. Her with her dark hair, big blue eyes, large boobs, the sound of her laughing, the voice notes she sends me that I love so much. And I knew in that instant that I was completely, utterly attracted to her in both a sexual and romantic way.

And it changed everything for me. I had lived over 30 years without realising how into women I am. When I looked back on my life all the signs pointed in that direction. My first sexual experience was with another girl. My confusing thoughts about women’s bodies. The intense friendships I had with other girls growing up where I ended up acting like a jealous girlfriend. Even the intensity of my relationship with my best friend already bordered on more than platonic.

After this massive realisation, I ended up telling my best friend how I felt about her. She admitted that her and her boyfriend had also fantasised about me joining them and she loved that this man and I thought about her. It may never be something that she and I end up exploring. But that’s okay. There’s more to our friendship than this. And it opened my eyes to this part of myself that I’ve enjoyed unravelling in small steps.

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Sexy Surprise

May 27, 2025

sex

He asked me to arrive at his hotel room by a certain time, get changed into lacy lingerie, get on the bed with my hands under the pillows (for some faux restraints) and with a pillowcase over my eyes for a makeshift blindfold.

He said he’d arrive at some point and that I was to wait for him. He’d enter without saying a word and he’d start giving the first of 100 kisses that I was to count. The 100th kiss would be on my lips and the blindfold could come off.

It ended up being the sexiest experience I’ve had in a long time.

I was nervous to begin with, but a kind of excited nervousness. I liked the instruction beforehand. I’ve never scripted what sex would look like in advance but I didn’t mind the visual, the build up of anticipation. I liked driving the 35 minutes to his hotel room knowing what was in store for me.

I had grabbed a favourite red lingerie set as I was leaving the house, something I knew I’d feel comfortable in. When I got to his hotel room, I walked in and could smell a lingering scent of his aftershave, he’d stripped the bed and laid the pillows and pillowcase out. I started to wonder if I’d passed him outside or in reception, where was he waiting? And thinking about that upped the thrill of it.

He’d asked me to text him when I was ready and where I’d like the first of his kisses. I wanted to write back ‘my inner thigh’ but I wasn’t brave enough for that and wrote back, ‘I’m ready, first kiss on my neck please’ and I waited. Thankfully he wasn’t a monster and didn’t leave me hanging too long. I heard him come in and put something down, and he circled the bed until he was one side of me. My breathing was so irregular at this point, a bit ragged from nerves and excitement.

I remember thinking on the drive over that I’m not sure how into the blindfold idea I was. I love looking and seeing other people. Their reactions, their movements. I thought …maybe I’ll just use the blindfold as an illusion and sneak glances anyway. But in the moment? I loved the blindfold. Even when I moved my head and the blindfold rode up or moved, I ended up closing my eyes until he adjusted it back. It felt sexier to me to not see him, to not know. Even to lean into the instructions given. But honestly, once things started happening, that was probably the last coherent thought I had.

He started off by running his fingers along my skin. Then he added an ice cube. Mixed in with soft kisses on my neck, my thighs. Circling my nipples with the ice cube was an intense experience but it all felt so good. The softness of his touch, his lips, together with the sting of the coldness of the ice cube. Once or twice he flicked the ice cube so that droplets of water would land on my lips and it was at those points that I realised that I’d been moaning, or doing little huffs of breathing when he’d moved away from a spot that felt good.

Everything he did made me want more. It was intoxicating. All the touching, light kisses on my skin, the blindfold, the idea of being restrained. All of it had built into my massive amount of need. He’d moved aside the fabric of my lingerie and had used his fingers on me, sliding his fingers into my mouth to lick off. I was glad when he moved one of the pillows ‘holding’ my arms down and guided my hand to his hard cock and I was happy to stroke him, but soon after he replaced his fingers inside me with his mouth and everything felt like too much and not enough at the same time.

The next thing I knew, he had moved the pillow again, and let my hand discover that he’d put a condom on and I felt a surge of gratitude at this kindness from him as well as excitement. I thought the blindfold would come off but he continued to adjust it over my eyes as he fucked me with my legs in different positions. When he raised my legs over his shoulders the feeling of him was deep inside me. Almost but not quite too deep and I remember tensing but his control was good and it felt incredible.

The first thing he said to me (maybe?) was to keep my eyes closed as he grabbed my hand and helped me off the bed, only to have my hands pressed against the wall, bent over a bit so that he could take me from behind. I could have opened my eyes but I was so in deep in this submissive space that I didn’t.

Not even when he told me to get on my knees in front of him. He tasted like the latex from the condom and he had his hands very gently on my head and in my hair. He whispered encouragement as I sucked him, clearly enjoying when I took him further into my mouth. I liked it. I liked him saying how well I was doing, that he saying it in such a low voice. I wanted to please him and kept going until tears were streaming down my face.

He said ‘good’ as he lightly stoked my cheek before guiding me again to the edge of the bed where I was told I could open my eyes finally. It was so different fucking him with my eyes open, with the ability to see him. The look of desire and pleasure as I rode him, my back arching and my head falling back in my own pleasure. I couldn’t take my eyes off him in every way he moved. Whether it was to reposition my legs or the way he thrusted into me. When he used his fingers on my clit again, my orgasm building he said ‘let go’ in this way that had me relaxing into it.

I loved the restriction of the faux restraints before but without them I could run my hands along his arms and back, holding him closer to me and hear his growls of pleasure in my ear, his hair falling into my face. When he finished, his final kiss was actually on my forehead. And I realised that I’d lost count at 32 kisses and I have no idea now if he ever managed to give me those 100 kisses or not. I don’t care. I had the best day ever, absolutely worn out from all the orgasms.

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Playlist

May 22, 2025

sex

Do you have a Getting it On playlist? Or whatever phrase that’s cooler than ‘getting it on’?

I never used to. But I created a playlist recently because I am obsessed with one particular song. Her voice, it gets to me. But then I started thinking there are particular songs that I’d probably add to such a list. More so because the songs remind me of times I’ve had sex as opposed to the songs that get me in the mood.

Video Games by Lana del Rey

This is the song I’m currently obsessed by. Her sultry voice does things to me. But especially the way she sings ‘It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you’ that really speaks to the passion that I’ve had for people. Both currently and in the past. I feel like it’s a lyric that I relate to very strongly. And it’s just a sexy song. I heard you like the bad girls, honey is that true? is another favourite lyric.

I’m On Fire by Bruce Springsteen

This one is a weird one. Because in an erotic book I read years ago – that I loved, about a MF couple that live out his cuckolding fantasy by bringing in another man – the main female character says that this song gets her aroused immediately and it’s a trigger in the book that this new sexual adventure is about to start for them.

Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?
And can he do to you the things that I do?

But… I’ve had personal experience with this song. A recent hookup wanted to put on his own sexy playlist while we were having sex. Thankfully, I cannot recall any of the music played during the actual act. But in the comedown, I noticed that the song playing was a cover version of this song. Except the cover was not great. It sounded like a sanitised version, no grit to their voice. It was like they removed all the sexiness from the song and left the shell of a song in its place. I cringed listening to it and I definitely judged the hookup for having such a terrible song on his playlist.

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

Wicked Game, the Chris Isaak version is objectively a very sexy song. I’ve loved it as long as I’ve known of it and I love his voice. There’s something in it. The lyrics, the music, the sound of his voice.

The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do

But I was in Manchester a few years ago visiting a friend for a supposed sexy weekend and he’d the room with his playlist still on and a cover version of Wicked Game came on … and I couldn’t wait for him to return (from the kitchen, getting us both a drink) and yelled into the hallway – ‘What IS this version of this song?!’ and when he came back he said he preferred his version, by Stone Sour, to the Chris Isaak version. And I did not know what to do with that information.

Blinding Lights by The Weeknd

You don’t even have to do too much
You can turn me on with just a touch, baby

I was fairly nervous having my first threesome (I still hope to tell you about that sometime) and I was sitting on their sofa and she suggested some music. She asked me if I had any preferences and when I said ‘no’ she put an album by The Weeknd on repeat.

…And I can’t tell you that I noticed any of the songs. The music. None of it. During that entire experience I was completely and utterly oblivious to anything going on that wasn’t her, to be honest.

It’s only after because when we were all finished, she asked me if I liked The Weeknd and I said ‘of course’ but I said it in a way like I’d have said ‘yes’ to anything because I was so in my own head at that point that very little was getting through to me. I needed to process.

But after that? After that day, whenever I come across anything by The Weeknd I do a little smile and think of how great it all was.

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Saying ‘Yes’

May 16, 2025

sex

I was going through a phase awhile back where I kept saying ‘no’ to opportunities when the barest whisper of discomfort or a little bit of anxiety crept through. I started to think what am I missing out by saying ‘no’ all the time?

So I decided to start saying ‘yes’ more often. With mixed results, possibly. One of the things that I did say ‘yes’ to was meeting a man who was a professional masseuse for a happy ending massage. It seemed completely out of character for me but I feel like I struggle all the time about an idea of who I am as a person and that that person is mostly sensible and doesn’t take risks and so on. So I wanted to do things differently. And I did.

He was an older man, trained and worked as a masseuse. We got on well within our messaging. Mostly talking about women’s sports following his hobby coaching his daughters’ sports teams. He mostly just seemed quite normal and not scary at all so I felt okay taking this huge risk with him.

We decided to meet up at a local pub near his house first. We ended up having dinner together as we talked more, getting used to each other. Or me, really. He seemed fairly at ease. He talked about how he had gotten into massage. How his work in a hotel in another country led him into some more risque situations and environments. But not in a crude way, his storytelling method seemed more of a ‘isn’t this all quite humourous?’ and that made me comfortable.

After dinner, he asked if I was still interested in a massage? And with just a moment’s hesitation, I said ‘yes’. Nerves kicked in slightly when we got to his place, and he’d laid out the massage table all ready with towels and things. He left the room for me to get undressed with a towel to cover my ass as I laid on my front.

I figured, this is why I’m here, just do it already. So I did. I got naked. Laid on the table. And waited. My breathing was a little off and my heartbeat was racing but I was ready for it. Excited, even. And he didn’t disappoint. He had also undressed and came back in wearing just his underwear. But then he started with the oils and there were moments of the massage where I could just melt into the sensation of it and stopped overthinking it. It became just the delicious pressure against my skin, the feel of these long stokes along my back. My shoulders, my arms.

There’s something so relaxing about a full body massage. And there are very specific erogenous zones on my back and shoulders. I remember thinking this almost feels like a professional massage? Until I could feel his erection brush against me. And it was a million of these little brushes against me, touches that got just a little bit nearer, the tease of it.

What I loved so much about it was how much the anticipation built. It was very steady with the actual massaging, and he gave me just enough glimpses into what more there was that by the time he’d asked me to roll over onto my back I felt fully relaxed, pliant even. I was ready for more. I felt like I was aching for more, that my arousal was at breaking point. Patience is also not something that I feel like I’m very good at.

I kept my eyes closed for most of the massage. Everything already felt so overwhelming with everything going on. But it all felt so good. I wasn’t sure how vocal I would be about my own pleasure. But certain places that his fingers dug into felt amazing. Areas that I didn’t think would feel good being massaged felt great. My thighs, my calves, my hands. He pressed his fingers into the arches of my feet and that nearly ended me.

But I could feel when things were coming to an end. When he was spending more time circling my nipples, my inner thighs. Positioning my legs so that they fell open. And it was welcome. I was very much just arousal and need by this point. My eyes flew open and I gasped when his soft tongue gently stroked up the length of me. I was expecting it and I wasn’t.

And just like he had taken his time stroking my entire body, he took his time with this too. He really seemed to be enjoying himself, taking his cues from the way my breathing changed, the little moans I was making. At one point it felt like he was going to change position and I held his head in place, keeping him where I wanted him, and with the pressure I needed.

If anything, I sort of wish now that I’d just ended things there. That I pulled myself together enough to roll off the table, get dressed and tell him thank you for such a nice evening. But I didn’t. I felt so … relaxed and happy and giving, I guess. That I ended up asking if he had a condom. I hadn’t needed to do that, we hadn’t discussed it going any further than we’d done.

But he got up, took my hand and led me to a bed where we fooled around a bit more (he really enjoyed using his tongue and who am I to say ‘no’ to that?) and then somehow he was on top of me, his face in a bit of a grimace, looking like he was in so much pain that I almost stopped him to ask if he was okay. It was blessedly short and despite this part being a bit of a disappointment, we ended up lying on his bed for awhile longer talking about French literature until he walked me back to my car.

I’m mostly glad I said ‘yes’.

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Breaking the Rules

May 14, 2025

dating, sex

Have you ever just met someone and ended up breaking all your rules?

I connected with this man awhile back. He seemed ridiculously into my profile. What I’d written, the pictures I’d posted. He was very complimentary in a way that I like the most – where it felt genuine but also not just about my physical appearance. I don’t rate my face that much so when men talk about it I feel a bit disconnected.

We started messaging fairly regularly. Talking about a combination of light, casual things and also more deep, serious things. I need that balance. I remember once I jokingly said I’d enjoy his (very sexy!) pictures more if it was him lounging naked reading a book and he immediately sent me the greatest picture ever of just that. Him in bed, naked with a book propped just in front of him so that I could see his bare chest, his legs, a very sexy look on his face but nothing more intimate. It was tasteful, classy. It delighted me. He delighted me.

He was also just a little bit mysterious. Holding fascinating things about himself close to his chest and dropping little hints like, meet me for coffee or a long shag and maybe I’ll tell you about these things sometime. And I was keen. I definitely wanted to meet him but his availability was poor and it took awhile to make things happen.

We met up in a nearby cafe on a really rainy, stormy day. But in the cafe, it almost felt cosier. Secluded. Safe in a bubble. I had said to him beforehand that he might not be physically attracted to me in person (it’s happened before!) and he said the same about himself. But it would have been difficult not to fancy him in person. He looked …so put together. I know that sounds like a weird description but it really fit him. He had said early on that he kept to good fitness levels for a sporting hobby but also that he was also a bit into the idea of looking good. And he really did.

But he was also really funny and I love funny people. Halfway through our drinks, I asked him what was the last book he read and loved and why? And he started telling me about some historical book that I’d never heard of by an author I was familiar with (but that I hadn’t ever considered what type of books they had written) and I was sort of only half listening as I was more distracted by just watching him. Watching his face light up as he was talking about this book, the way he looked in his jumper, the way the light sort of hit this one spot on his neck.

Then he said still talking about this book he loved ‘maritime regulations state…’ and let me tell you, my sexual attraction peaked in that very moment. There’s just something about nerdiness in a man. Nerdiness of books and reading in a man. And together with the way we’d talked about a whole slew of other things, that he was nice to look at, that he made me laugh. I knew that I definitely wanted to be naked with this man.

So when he suggested a time and date, I said ‘yes’. I noticed after I accepted that I had plans with my book group that evening but I cancelled on them. I felt like these plans were more pressing. And as he and I are talking about plans he (probably jokingly) suggested that I show up at his door in nothing but lingerie. ‘In December?’ I laughed. And a coat, he generously suggested. But it was the huge amount of lust that I had for this man that I thought …why not. I’ll do it. Who needs those rules you have for yourself, right?

And actually, I felt quite sexy dressing in my lingerie and coat and driving to his place. It felt like a turn on to be doing something so out of the ordinary for me. I liked the idea of him being into it. I liked feeling sexy. …Until Google Maps said I’d arrived and I couldn’t obviously spot where any of the houses were. I could see nothing but a row of garages. I wanted to live out the sexy scenario of knocking on his door how I was dressed. But in the end I called him. Said I’m lost, please come out and find me.

It didn’t feel quite so sexy walking 10 minutes from where I’d parked my car through a maze of paths to his place, shivering the entire time. Me thinking, what’s sexy about bare legs in the winter? Why did my coat have to be this thin? Layers, folks. Layers are sexy.

Things were a bit better when we get into his warm house. His living room was cosy and warm and I stood there slightly awkwardly as he went off to get me a drink. I needed a minute to compose myself anyway. When he came back, he gave me a hug and that’s always the perfect antidote. Hugs make everything better.

And after I had feeling in my legs again we did end up in his bed. And it was nice. He had questionable taste in music but I would say a nice time was had. Perfectly adequate. And that’s as generous as I can be with him. Because after he went to tidy up, he gave me the first hint that he’d like for me to go. I thought ‘that’s weird’ but didn’t think much more of it. Until he said he was probably going to this thing in about 45 minutes. And he said it a little pointedly. So at this point I’m starting to question things a bit. And eventually he just outright says ‘if you’re hoping for round 2, you’re out of luck’ or something to this effect. And so, after three very blatant attempts at kicking me out, I get my shoes on and leave.

Thankfully, I thought ahead and threw in a dress and a pair of leggings into my bag. Messaged my book group that I’d meet them for dinner after all. Sometimes those rules are in place for a reason and sometimes I need to remember that.

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