Category: sex

Apologies For the Dramatics

November 11, 2025

relationships, sex

I feel like I really have to apologise. There’s someone I write about on this blog quite often (you can probably guess who it is!) and …things seem to go on a rollercoaster between us. I’m writing my sexiest blog posts about him, then I tell you I can’t deal with his inconsistency anymore, then I write and say ‘gosh, he’s really not that bad’ and then I leave you all hanging for a week talking about how broken up I was about him not having feelings for me.

And the thing is, all of that is true. That really is how I felt at those specific times.

But the thing is, I think even in some of those highs and lows I know that I’m being dramatic about him and about whatever thing we have between us is.

If I’m entirely honest, after he told me that he didn’t have feelings for me, I did feel quite broken up. I drove into work the next day and I had tears just quietly leaking out of my eyes for the entire 50 minutes of my drive. I felt miserable for a good few days and then I sat down with myself and really thought about it.

And I guess what I ended up deciding is that I don’t want things to change between us. I mean, obviously, that’s a lie. I’d love for things to change between us. But I mean knowing definitively that he doesn’t have feelings for me in return doesn’t change much of anything for me. It pinches, sure. But I pretty much knew it before he confirmed it.

And … I really like how he makes me feel. Obviously I like the sex between us. But I also just like him as a person. He inspires me to write some of my best blog posts. I feel like because it’s so present and current I can write better than I have done. About the big things and the little things. I like feeling something towards him specifically.

And I also really thought about my feelings for him. I know I’ve written the L word on this blog on more than one occasion, but I think that’s the High Drama talking. I don’t think it is love. But it’s something. If nothing else, it’s my deep appreciation for him as a person for making me laugh, for engaging with me on lots of different random topics, for opening up to me in his own way, my gratitude for how he makes me feel. It’s care for him and how he lives his life. It’s the trust I feel with him, it’s that he makes me feel safe and accepted.

So, all that being said, I will do my very best to stop with the dramatics about our ups and downs moving forward. I know it can be confusing. But I don’t call him my on/off person for nothing.

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Age Gaps

November 7, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

Awhile ago someone started a conversation about age gap relationships. They asked in particular, what are the reasons that women wouldn’t consider dating or seeing a younger man?

And I remember my answer was that it was primarily societal reasons. I remember growing up people talking about the predatory nature of ‘cougars’ or conversations not even specifically about me or anybody that I really knew about taking advantage, robbing the cradle, or other such things. All spoken about in a really negative light. And it’s only been recently that I feel like the opposite – an older man and a younger woman – has really had a spotlight shed on it with any questions or concerns about that distance.

It’s always felt more acceptable when the man is older.

Speaking of my own experience, I remember feeling uncomfortable when I met a couple who were in their mid-20s when I was almost 40 at the time. They were okay with it, if I put aside unfounded guilt, I’m okay with it too. The only thing spoiling the experience for me is the possible push-back from others who would be judgmental of that experience.

I did see a younger man for a bit. Lovely man, we had a great time together. But when I mentioned it to a friend she had a visceral reaction like I’m doing WHAT. And her reaction both really hurt and maybe also surprised me. I thought we’d moved on from such things. I’m an adult woman and this was an adult man. We had things in common, we enjoyed each other’s company. We weren’t together long enough for society and societal expectations to creep in and spoil things (we were perfectly capable of doing that individually!) but it probably was a thing that affected us, even subconsciously.

And it makes me sad.

I did watch two films recently, you’ve probably already seen them that covers similar themes.

The first was Babygirl which had so much hype around the sexiness of it, the subversiveness of it all. I watched it months after everyone else and I felt like it was just a mess. The entire story arc was chaotic and it felt like there wasn’t a cohesive message or takeaway from it. I didn’t much care for Nicole Kidman’s character or Harris Dickinson’s character. I didn’t love the implication that Nicole Kidman’s characters’ unusual upbringing led her to how she was. I finished the film and thought …I will never get that time back.

Did I think that it helped towards normalising an age gap in romantic relationships or sexual relationships? Not really.

And after that I watched Mad About the Boy, the Bridget Jones film. And Renee Zellwegger falling for Leo Woodall in this film was just pure joy. There was an age gap and it was clear to see the differences in their approach to stuff from their age. But it felt like Renee Zellwegger was able to live a little, have more fun in her life, feel sexy and enjoy pleasure, attention and everything else that Leo Woodall brought into her life. And he seemed similarly able to get real joy from being with her. It was lovely to watch. And honestly? I’d love to see more it.

I feel like everything moves so slowly in terms of changing perspectives on women and sex and relationships. But I’d definitely like to see more representation and acceptance of women who are choosing pleasure and joy whether that means being on their own, doing their own things, embracing their sexuality, fucking a younger man or whatever it might look like.

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Anonymous Confessions vol. 7

November 3, 2025

relationships, sex

It absolutely thrills me to see your name pop up online. I like the way you think, the things you say. I feel like I’m the best version of myself with you and it makes me sad that there are things standing in the way of more.

I used to hold onto feelings a lot. So the above used to weigh on me quite heavily. I’d overthink it, maybe I’d think it tragic and romantic? I don’t know, it’s hard to remember past versions of myself.

Now though? Now I feel like I’m firmly walking away from a scarcity mindset. It didn’t work out? It wasn’t meant for me.

I know that I sent this anonymous confession out into the world but maybe it just needs to be set free. I need to let this one go. Let these words be the last time these bittersweet emotions are borne by me.

Let my future be one in which I get the same buzzy feeling about someone and it isn’t feel so much like insurmountable obstacles to make things work.

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Hand Holding and Gentle Touches

October 23, 2025

sex

There are some people who are just incredibly lovely. And I was lucky enough to have sex with one of those people the other day.

I’d met him recently for a walking date and he is lovely but he doesn’t live particularly close to me. So when he said he’d be in my area over the weekend, did I want to meet up I said ‘yes’ straight away. We hadn’t even kissed when we met up for our walk so it was a bit of a leap that this meet up was going to be in his hotel room, but I’m here for this type of questionable behaviour.

I’d told him beforehand that I struggle with that transition from talking normally fully clothed into the naked sexy times so he was pre-warned for when I arrived and started babbling away. It was like I couldn’t stop. My mouth just kept opening and I was telling funny stories about my parcel of lingerie being delivered to the wrong address and maybe stories about my dog? I don’t remember.

But because he’s lovely he went with it. I don’t know how he knew but what he ended up doing was perfect. We were lying on the bed next to each other and instead of anything more forward he would nod and smile at my stories and at the same time start pulling me closer or gently touching me. I felt a little bit like a spooked horse that he needed to settle. But I’m glad he did it and all that touching helps calm me down anyway.

It’s a bit weird having sex with someone new, isn’t it?

I was familiar with his faces when he talks to me, his face when he’s smiling or laughing but I was not familiar with the really intense eye contact he gave me while we were at the actual event or his o face.

I had a fucking great time and a lot of that is down to who he is as a person. I could tell from all the eye contact that he was really interested in connecting with me on that level. He’d link his fingers or hands with mine like he wanted that physical connection all the time too. And afterwards, it was all this lovely cuddling and touching. And I couldn’t get enough of it. It’s one of my favourite things lying naked next to someone and just gently touching each other.

I hope to do that again and sometime soon. He asked if I wanted to see my favourite musical with him sometime soon. And it makes me smile to think about him.

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Anonymous Confessions vol. 5

October 20, 2025

sex

You feel like an unanswered question. There was something there and then it got interrupted. And I don’t mind saying (anonymously) that I think about what it would be like to explore all those unspoken things, all those things we haven’t done together. That makes it sound like I’m daydreaming about us having deep philosophical conversations but don’t be mistaken. My mental image is one of naked bodies crashing against each other with mouths and tongues and fingers everywhere.

I’m not going to write too much about this one. We had a flirty relationship, we met up. We both wanted to have sex but my period and a lack of time and space posed problems. Drama followed us (him) around and it was something I couldn’t get past. We live too far apart for anything to really happen and I’m not feeling hugely generous from my side about travelling to see him so it feels fairly dead in the water.

But it’s an interesting thing to think about though, isn’t it? Unanswered questions.

And by that I guess I really mean where expectations started to build up that something sexual might happen and then for whatever reason life got in the way and it’s never happened.

This has been me several times. Not just with the man in the original comment. But with a man that lives in Manchester. We grew close online during lockdown and when lockdown lifted I travelled up to see him for what should have been a sexy weekend filled with plenty of sex and orgasms. But I got the train home on Sunday and the only orgasm I’d had that weekend is the one I gave myself before I fell asleep on his sofa.

After that weekend, things fizzled out between us relationship wise. But every now and again one or both of us would creep into the other’s messages and be like, ‘hey, how you doing?’ in that way people do when they want to bang someone. And I think it was clear that both of us wanted a good fucking from each other. To just get it out of our systems. To know what it would be like. To actually do the thing we’d both been daydreaming and fantasising about for ages.

He and I were on a rollercoaster. We’d ended our romantic and sexual relationship very definitively. But our friendship would take dives into the possibility of us meeting again but he’d invariably cancel. And I’d get frustrated and block him then have a change of heart and unblock him. It went on like this for ages. Actual months. Before I finally just blocked him for the last time.

Do I wonder what it would be like to have sex with him though? Yes, absolutely. But I’m definitely not wading back into that shit show. Not this time.

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Sexual Exploration

October 10, 2025

sex

When my marriage fell apart one of the things I really wanted to do was to have new experiences. Whether that was meeting new people, trying new things, or specifically to try new sexual things.

When I met my ex, we each had our own lists of sexual things that we wanted to explore. The items on the list varied and it was more about calling into mind certain things we’d always been curious about as opposed to a ticking off list for the sake of it. I quite enjoyed when he’d use his own initiative to explore a little into areas that I hadn’t even considered.

I haven’t really considered sexual exploration much until recently. I always felt like it mattered more who I was with and the things we wanted to do together. But lately I have realised that there are things I’d like to try or explore. Things that I’ve been curious about and once the idea is in my head I’ve started to think …what will that be like?

I do have a preference for who I’d like to try these things with but I feel like I have to be a realist about it all.

First up, though is a MFM threesome. I can honestly say the idea of it held no appeal to me for years and years. I’m the type of bisexual where if my dream man and my dream woman were standing in front of me, I’d always choose the woman. Since realising my interest in women I think I’ve always known that as much as I love sex and sex with men, I have a preference for women. So it came as somewhat of a shock that the idea of being with two men started creeping into my head.

Having given it more thought, I think this one is about attention. I’m not getting the level of attention that I want and somehow in my brain that has translated into double your chances of getting what you want by doubling the sexual partners in front of you. Who am I to argue?

Next up. For a bit of context, I was in a group chat with a MF couple where the man had a very large penis and she was a bit hesitant about doing anal with him. And eventually she did and she loved it. This isn’t the only reason that anal is on my Sexual Exploration list but it has contributed to it. Anal had been on my list before with my ex but we never got around to it. I had bought an anal douche and everything (it’s still in its box nearly two years later!)

I’ve had anal before exactly twice. The first time, which was a ‘neither one of us are really into this idea but why not find out what it’s like’ sort of thing was not appealing to me at all. The second time I did enjoy but I can’t work out now if I enjoy it because of the act itself or because of the context of how it happened? And I’d like to know definitively.

The third and final act that I have on my list is another that is leftover from my time with my ex. He and I went to a couple of clubs and we did engage in sexual activity in public (and some activity in private that was quite obvious to those nears us!) but I’m not entirely sure what feelings I get about people watching me. I know I like being watched in a one on one setting but I still want to know if it gets me hot to do things in full view of consenting others. I don’t know where I fall with that one. And again, I would like to know.

Do you have anything on your list you’ve been dying to try?

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What Do I Want?

October 7, 2025

sex

I’ve been thinking about you all day. I like closing my eyes and trying to recall all the details of you. I’ve done this a few times before because we don’t see each other that often.

I start at the top, imagine what your hair looks like. Shorter the last time I saw you from the times before. Your eyes, the way your mouth looks like when you smile, the way it looks as you’re close to climax…

No, that’s skipping ahead.

I try to think about what your neck looks like, your shoulders. I try to cast my memories back to naked cuddles after sex for this and I think I do a pretty good job. I think of the hair on your chest. I wonder if I remember what your chest looks like from you being over me during sex or if I’m recalling pictures I’ve seen of you? I’m hoping it’s the former but I’m not ruling out the latter.

I’ve got a pretty good idea that my mental image of your dick is fairly accurate. I think I’ve got your thighs down but everything below your knees is hazy. I don’t think your feet even exist in my brain.

Once your image is in my head I like to think of you very briefly in ways that you’ve maybe done but I’m not 100% sure. I’ve thought of you standing naked at the corner of my bed stroking yourself as you look at my naked body on the bed. I like this thought a lot.

It’s at about this time that I take off my leggings and underwear. Turn on the vibration right at the tip of my toy and use just the tip to rub against my clit.

I can’t hold images in my head for long of things that might not have happened. So from then on I think of my actual memories of you. But the memories come at different times. The first time you unzipped yourself in front of me and I thought ‘oh fuck me’ at your size.

And as soon as I think this I slide the toy into me and turn on the g-spot vibration to see how that feels.

I think about the first time we properly kissed and it felt like I’d been struck by lightning. I think about the times you’ve made this groan of pleasure at how wet I am for you. Being pressed against a wall as you fingered me while I was wearing some scrap of lingerie. The feel of you inside of me. The look you give me as you’re fucking me.

I think about your voice? Have I ever told you how much I love your voice?

I think of it all the time. I think about the things you say to me all the time. If I weren’t so shy I’d ask you for a voice note. Doesn’t even have to be sexual, anything would do.

But the thing I think about this time is you asking me ‘what do you want?’

You asked me the last time and I found it difficult to answer. I didn’t know what I wanted then, just to feel good. But now with the clit vibration on my toy on, I can feel the build up, that almost orgasm feeling I get and I think about what I want.

I think about answers I’ve given to the question before. To be kissed, for your fingers on my clit while fucking me. To be held down. An answer I didn’t give out loud but only thought before was that I wanted you closer to me, I wanted to be pressed against you.

But it’s not what I want in this moment. I know that I’m staying fairly shallow in what I want with those answers and when I think about the question deeper, when I’m not distracted by your physical presence is when I can answer more honestly.

What do you want?

And it’s like my brain struggles to answer. I know what I want but it’s like I don’t want to admit it. Not even to myself. But the thoughts creep into my brain unbidden anyway.

It’s not even that I want you to use the words ‘good girl’ though I do think those specific words.

I know I want praise of some sort. It doesn’t have to be that.

But tell me something. Tell me I feel good. That you like fucking me.

Tell me that you miss me.

That you think of me when we’re not together.

Tell me you look at my lingerie pics and think of me when you pleasure yourself.

When I think ‘tell me I’m yours’ I start to cry.

My brain can’t process that one. So it chooses not to.

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Recent Changes

October 3, 2025

sex

Have I mentioned that I have a ridiculously high sex drive? I don’t even think I have a high sex drive for a woman, I think it’s just high generally.

But I do have dips in my sex drive where I’m not that interested. This is usually tied in with my mood or stress at work or with family. But lately? I have realised that I had recently been in one of those dips without knowing it and I’ve crested over to the other side of it.

I’m horny all the time lately. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m going to the office more frequently (which makes me unhappy) and I’ve started a new course (which makes me constantly exhausted). It doesn’t feel like an optimal time for a surge in arousal.

And yet here we are.

I can sort of pinpoint some of the reasons for this surge. And they’re usually down to being aware of my emotions, being able to express those emotions to the relevant people and usually for a sense of emotional connection with others.

God, I get so aroused by emotional connection.

So, with that in mind, I’ve been masturbating more often lately. It’s not like it used to be. Before things ended with my ex, I’d masturbate daily. Usually twice daily. Sometimes three times. And I’d usually use my fingers and I’d go at it anytime I had a few minutes to myself, take the edge off a bit and then carry on with my day.

These days I need to make more of a meal of it. These days I’ll spend a lot more time thinking of past sexy experiences. Sometimes I’ll use the fact that I like dressing in lingerie and taking selfies in them helps. Occasionally I’ll watch (or listen) to porn. But what I’m looking for is walking down a path of arousal before I touch myself.

Then I get into bed and pull out my toys. I never orgasm on my own but I feel excited that I’m at a point again where my body feels electric again. From the possibility of pleasure. I’m hopeful.

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Body Insecurity

October 2, 2025

sex

I had a first message from a man the other day that just said ‘I really like your boobs, they’re so tidy and neat’ and I’ll tell you, after I read it I did immediately have a look at some of my pictures to see if ‘tidy and neat’ is a description I could agree with. On this one particular website I do have some quite revealing lingerie pictures and there are plenty of pictures of my boobs.

And I’m going to say ‘tidy and neat’ sums them up fairly well. It’s amusing to me, but also probably accurate.

It’s been interesting thinking about my body and how I feel about it lately. I feel like I grew up in a family and school situation where there was a war on against my body from all types of people. This is aside from growing up in a time where famous women were being targeted for being overweight who weren’t at all, they just weren’t stick thin.

So I feel like I’ve had an uphill battle to appreciate my body. I still remember the traumas of comments growing up. Someone slapping my thigh when I was in the car next to them and calling out my ‘thunder thighs.’ My dad telling me that all the women in our family ended up in wheelchairs when they’re older due to being overweight (as a thinly veiled hint that I was creeping up on what he felt was an acceptable weight for me).

Boys in school would tell me I’d be ‘almost’ pretty if not for my glasses, my freckles, my hair, my chubbiness.

Ex-lovers who would comment on how my boobs point outwards, that have mentioned the slight size difference. That have voiced their opinions on the size of my nipples, the size of my labia. The skin colour difference in intimate areas.

It felt normalised for awhile that other people could comment on women’s bodies. That nobody was exempt from this. I was told I had love handles, that I should work on my ‘hip dips’ that my ‘problem areas’ were my stomach, hips and thighs.

I don’t know how or when things started to change. I knew that when I started going on dates again after my separation I worried about my appearance. That I’m not pretty enough, that I’m not sexy enough. I worried about the size of my boobs and nipples, my thighs, my stomach. I worried that I wouldn’t be ‘enough’ for my sexual partners. And how sad is that?

After that, I transitioned into a phase where I thought I must look sexy because men are having sex with me. So if other people are attracted to my body then there must be something in that.

I remember having a conversation with my ex before we met? I don’t recall the timeline very well anymore but we talked about things we didn’t feel as confident about ourselves and when he and I did meet and we did end up being naked and having sex with each other that if he didn’t outright say something complimentary about the things I’d mentioned he’d lightly run his fingers over those areas, maybe even kiss them. To show me with actions and sometimes words that all those things I dislike about myself are things that he loved about me.

And somehow here I am. And I think my body is pretty great. It isn’t perfect. I have stretch marks on my ass and a scar that probably only I really notice in between and just below my breasts. My upper thighs rub against each other, I have a stomach, my hips look lumpy from certain angles. And now I don’t think ‘if he likes me, I must be all right.’

Now I think I look pretty great. And it’s my opinion and my thoughts on my own body that matter. Other people can like too, they have good taste. But that’s secondary to what I think about myself.

I take pictures now of my face, of my boobs in scraps of lingerie. I take pictures from different angles that show my belly, my hips, the size of my thighs, the expanse of my ass and it’s been a tough transition into one where I think ‘yes, this is my body and I love it’ but I do.

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Crying

September 23, 2025

sex

I actually really love it when he looks at my profile. It shows up in my notifications when he looks at it, I don’t know if he knows that. But it sends a little thrill through me every time he looks at my profile or likes the pictures I’ve uploaded. It’s been over a year and it still makes me feel that way.

Sometimes I’ll look at his profile too. But because of my settings I know he won’t get a notification that I’ve looked at his. I prefer this. But because I like balance I try to not look at his profile more than he looks at mine. It seems fair. Plus he took all his face pictures out of his private gallery and that removed part of my reason for looking.

Tonight though I clicked on his profile after I’d seen that he’d liked my latest picture.

And I started crying.

He’d changed his profile to state that he can accommodate whereas I’m pretty sure it used to be say that he cannot. I don’t know if this is a recent development but it made the tears fall straightaway. Maybe I’ve been feeling sensitive and a little bit off tonight and this whole week but it set me right off.

The idea that he could have changed this setting to appeal to other women.

The idea that he’s never once given me any indication that he’d ever invite me over.

That he might trust some other woman to have her in his space and not me.

The fact that he’s never invited me over.

Not once.

In a full fucking year.

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