Baby, Can I Hold You

Boundaries

June 12, 2025

dating

One of the things I’ve struggled with during this whole journey is setting and maintaining healthy boundaries with other people. I struggle with getting my own needs met and carrying on with those who don’t consider my needs. In fact, at times, I struggle to keep in mind what my actual needs are.

I feel like I’ve been conditioned my entire life to put the needs of others before my own and if anything, to squash what I need to almost nothing. It’s always been more important to please others and if that brings a little bit of discomfort to myself, no big deal.

It was only during some therapy sessions that I had a few years ago that I really understood the extent of how much I’d shrunk myself down. And since then, I do sometimes have my (very lovely and helpful) therapist’s voice in my head. She’s like the little angel on my shoulder reminding me that it’s okay for me to exist in the world, it’s okay that I’m putting my needs first, she reminds me that it’s not my responsibility to maintain the wants and needs of others.

And I have varying amounts of success from this. But I bring it up with a specific example. I had this friend that I met last year. He was very friendly and open with me, we went through an extended period of getting to know each other. We met in a board game cafe, a normal cafe. He and I discussed a great number of things. Yes, we had sex, but that almost felt secondary to our friendship. He’s married but in an open, ethically non monogamous relationship with open communication. It was all above board. We talked about this quite a bit in fact, how they both reached that decision and it was very interesting.

Once, last October, he had mentioned that him and his wife had been going through some difficulties around their open marriage and that it was causing some conflict. I was sympathetic, offered him the chance to talk about it if he needed and asked if it distraction would be better – I’m great at sharing cute dog videos and funny stories if that was preferable. He laughed and said a mixture might be just the thing.

Except he ghosted me after that. There were no further communication at all. At least not until about a month or so ago. When he popped up as though nothing had happened, that the months long gap of no messaging wasn’t a thing at all. He said he had quite a bit to update me on, would I like to meet up sometime for coffee? Reluctantly, I agreed. My social conditioning, you’ll remember puts me at a disadvantage here.

We met up for that coffee, he explained what had happened in the months of silence and he acknowledges those months too. ‘Of course, in that time I couldn’t message you – and you understood’ was something he said to me that niggled at me when he said it and afterwards. But I didn’t understand. He never said specifically that there would be no contact, in fact, I had offered a communication style and he had agreed.

When I finally understood that how I was feeling was hurt and angry, I told him so. To his utter bafflement. ‘I wasn’t aware that I could hurt you,’ he had said. Which I think just reassures my decision. That someone so clueless and unconcerned about my feelings and expectations is not someone that I want to spend any more energy on. I blocked him.

My therapist would be proud. I had a feeling, I expressed that feeling, I followed through on a decision to put myself and my emotional needs first. Long may it continue.

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First Conversation

June 11, 2025

dating, relationships

There was something about you right from the very first conversation. Before you deleted your Tinder profile, I used to go back to read that first conversation all the time. To see if there was some clue in those words, something that might signal to me that I was meeting someone I’d fall madly in love with.

I loved how open you were right from the beginning. How much of yourself you gave me, a complete stranger at the time. Your kindness and consideration. Conversation was interesting, it was funny. And with just a few messages I could tell that you and I would get along fantastically.

I still have that first picture you shared with me, did I ever tell you that? I should have deleted it by now, we’ve been broken up for well over a year but I can’t. I love that picture too much, you in that jumper, your hair longer than I’d normally see you wear it, the barely there grin. When I saw it, I gasped. It’s such a man thing to do to just take a picture like that. But I loved then and I continued to love how easy it is to take a candid picture of yourself. Like you’re that comfortable and aware of what you look like that you think ‘this is me’

I don’t remember everything we talked about in that first conversation. But I found it interesting that conversation only last a couple of days before we moved it to another platform to message. It was like I knew then that you were worth breaking all my rules for.

And you were. I don’t have any regrets.

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Swingers Party

June 10, 2025

sex

During my ‘saying yes’ phase, I said yes to going to a private swingers party. The idea of it had come up before when I was still with my ex and I quickly discounted it as being too out there for me. So when an opportunity came around again … my initial thoughts was still ‘no’ but in its favour that the party fell on a day that is particularly hard for me and I knew I’d need distraction. Plus, I wanted to say ‘yes’ to more things! So I did.

The host of the private party was really good, he answered all my questions and was highly communicative. He assured me that whenever I got there he would introduce me to the other single women there and some of his own personal friends that would look out for me when he still had hosting responsibilities. He even (the absolute chore of it!) let me send some different outfit ideas to get his opinion. We ended up building this interesting rapport beforehand and I really needed that to feel comfortable.

I was obviously immensely nervous. But on the night, I showed up not too early and not too late. I had been too shy to really look at the list of attendees beforehand or send any messages to anyone. I was really on a ‘I’m going to wing it’ mission. I felt like it was enough that I’d made it there. I kept telling myself if I took one step in and hated the feel of it, I’d just turn around and go back home.

But the host of the party was reversing his car into the driveway when I arrived and he yelled ‘IT’S YOU’ really excitedly when I told him who I was. And that kind of excitement to see me made me feel like maybe this wouldn’t be too bad? So even though the host couldn’t stay and chat, I made my way into the party. Everyone was crowded in the kitchen where all the drinks were mingling. I’m not a great mingler at the best of times so these parts were the hardest.

Thankfully, the other two single women at this party were lovely and welcoming and when they heard this was my first party, they really looked out for me. Led me from room to room, peppering me with questions. Talking about some of the previous parties, how some of the people knew each other. We ended up near a speaker listening to 90s pop music which, again, made me feel more relaxed.

I feel like the other people at the party were a little intimidating. They were all couples and seemed very coupley and they mostly chatted amongst themselves. Aside from the two women, one of their (male) FWBs and the host, I didn’t really interact with many other people. But that was okay. Baby steps into the big scary thing.

The weirdest thing that happened at this party was that we got talking to this man that had the largest, heaviest penis piercing I’ve ever seen. It’s seriously looked like it weighed at least 5lbs. Just hanging off the end of his penis like that. I think he actually rested the piercing in the pocket of his jeans and I don’t blame him. Sadly, neither he nor his partner were able to answer my questions in a satisfactory way for me so I wandered away from them.

The layout of the house meant that downstairs was the kitchen and area for snacks and the large living room with music and plenty of places to sit. Upstairs was where all the action was. So I could stay in the safe zone if I wanted. Or I could venture upstairs to see what was going on. It wasn’t until the host came over to chat and he asked if I wanted to see upstairs that I really plucked up my courage for it though.

In one of the rooms a woman was bent over and being whipped by something. They were okay for me to watch for a bit, and I got invited to hit her once too but I politely declined. This room wasn’t for me.

In the next room, one of the single women (who was beautiful and curvy in the very best way) was on the bed being teased by the FWB I’d met earlier who had been really helpful. It felt like the host and I walking in interrupted whatever they were starting. But that interruption was used to … invite myself and the host onto the big bed for more sexual antics.

I’ll say that I wasn’t even hesitant at this point. I think I wanted to really throw myself into whatever was on offer (except flogging some poor woman, apparently) so I ended up saying ‘yes’ quite a few times to her, the FWB and the host. The FWB had a scary looking glove covered in spikes that he ran very gently along my ass to show that it really wasn’t as scary as it looked. It could be but only if I wanted it to be.

Another couple came in and casually started fucking in the sex swing that was near the bed. Others came in and just watched the sex display as the four of us changed positions and partners. I am never quite sure if I’m into watching others or being watched and I’m afraid I was never that aware of people watching enough to answer that question for myself.

There was a moment that I did feel mildly uncomfortable. Both the single women (and the host and FWB) all assured me that if anything were to make me uncomfortable to say so and things would stop. That everyone would respect boundaries etc. I think actually they were talking about men – that if men overstepped, I should say something. The person who actually overstepped was one of the single women. I was on the bed, bent over giving a blowjob when one of the single women leaned over me and swiped her tongue around my asshole.

The thing is, it actually did feel nice but I tensed immediately when it happened and had to turn to her to say ‘I’m sorry, but I’m not really into that’ And me saying that meant the two men on the bed went into recovery mode and had to check with everyone that things were okay and we all had another consent check. But things were weird between me and her after that. I don’t think women like being called out when they overstep.

Overall, I’m glad I went. It was terrifying to say ‘yes’ to and even scarier walking through the front door. It was hard trying to find my way into conversation and that was made easier by the friendliness of those around me. I feel like I took part enough for me to feel like I’d made the most of the experience and actually, when one of the women said she was leaving at 11pm I said I was tired too and left at the same time.

I read back on how I’ve written and described this party and I feel quite detached from the whole experience – it all happened and I actually did enjoy some of the sex that happened but I think the whole context of the evening set me on edge. I don’t think these types of parties are for me and at least I know that.

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Dates Gone Wrong vol. 3

June 9, 2025

dating

I matched with a man on Tinder once. We talked for about a week, he seemed funny. I remember he made a joke after I’d asked him a serious question and when I called him out on dodging my question he got fairly serious.

He said he usually stays in the shallow end of things, making light of things, cracking jokes. He said it’s mostly to indicate what he wants – which is nothing serious but that also it means a bit of protection of his heart. He’d been in a serious relationship and it ended horribly and he didn’t want to put himself in that position to get hurt again. Okay, fair enough.

Maybe it was that moment of vulnerability that got to me. He suggested that we meet up for a walk. There was a park near him where you could see chalk cliffs and the walk was meant to be quite interesting with signs up to explain more about the history of these cliffs.

I was intrigued enough to say yes. He sent me a pin to direct me to the closest entrance to this wildlife conservation area. But when I drove to it, it didn’t quite seem like the right spot. So I reversed and parked along a residential road and got out of my car to walk to the park entrance. I thought he was driving too, but not long after I got there, there was with his loping stride towards me but I suppose he could have park on the same road I had.

His face was open and relaxed, quick to smile. He made a joke almost as soon as we said hello but for whatever reason, I didn’t quite hear what he’d said. I look back on it now and wonder if his joke could have been a red flag. I’ll never know now.

He suggested that we walk into the park and check out the chalk cliffs. He talked about them quite enthusiastically, like they really interested him and that he’d been curious enough to learn more about them above and beyond what were on the signs. From the street, we walked through a wooden gate, down a dirt path that were partially muddy and under some trees. He was walking ahead of me, pointing out the cliffs to which I’d smiled and nodded every time he looked behind at me.

We had been walking only a few minutes when he’d said ‘Up ahead there’s a more secluded bit’ which seemed a strange thing to say. It registered in my head that it was an odd thing to say but I was still deciding what to respond when he reached an arch of trees over the path we were on and he turned to me and he said ‘I’d like you to touch my cock’ and I laughed nervously at that, perhaps hoping that he was joking. But when his face remained serious I maintained eye contact as I told him very firmly ‘No, I will not be doing that’ and he said ‘Oh, come on now, isn’t that why we’re both here’ And I said ‘You’re making me uncomfortable, I said ‘no”

He was taller than me by a fair amount so the angle my head was in to maintain eye contact meant that it came as a complete surprise that as we were talking, he’d undone his jeans and had his erect penis in his hand. It was only as he lowered his eyes to the dick in his hand that I lowered my eyes to see what he was doing. He said ‘Just touch it’ and I looked at him again and I said ‘I said ‘no’ and I meant it. So I’m now going to turn around and I’m going to walk back to my car’

And I did. I walked through the trees, down that dirt path, through the wooden gate, onto the street, down the road and into my car where I immediately locked my car door. During that entire walk I didn’t know what he was going to do. I didn’t know if he was going to say something, if he was going to follow me, if he was going to touch me, or grab me. I had to walk and just hope that everything would be okay, that I would be okay.

I cried all the way home. I’d never felt so gross and dirty in my entire life. I felt so scared in those few minutes. And I thought … was this something I could have prevented or stopped? Is it my fault?

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First Time With a Woman

June 6, 2025

sex

The first couple I met for a threesome I found on Feeld. They were attractive, really responsive to messages, talked very openly about wanting a connection. That connection was still important to them even though they were only looking for a one-off was very important to me.

I found it interesting, their situation. They were a young couple, had met at university, had been together for years. Monogamous most of the year except around the time of his birthday. It could have been hers. It came about because one year, they went on holiday with a friend around this birthday time with a hot tub and one thing led to another and they had their first threesome together. So as a birthday tradition they open their relationship once a year and then close it. It works for them, I guess. And I was happy they let me in, even briefly.

When I first met them in a cafe, she was so pretty but a little quiet. He had an easy smile and was very charming and chatty. I liked the way they interacted with each other, they way they teased each other, the way he helped bring her out of her shell a bit. And they engaged with me easily together and individually. I felt comfortable with them right away.

Before we got into the sex between us, I had told them that I wasn’t sure if my bisexuality was more of a theoretical thing. Like I wasn’t sure if in the moment I might find that maybe I wasn’t that into women as I first thought and they took this on board and were okay with me needing a helping hand and some patience. So when later, we were talking in their living room, me feeling quite relaxed in their company he decided to kick things off by asking me ‘if I were to kiss one of them, who would I choose?’ and I immediately looked at her, and at her lips.

Did I say already how pretty she was? She had this mass of curly brown hair, it was chaos and at one point he just silently left us and came back with a hair thing for her to tie it back. But she had these really delicate features, such a small soft mouth. And I loved kissing her. The softness of her was such a surprise to me. I don’t think I’d ever really considered men not being soft but everything about her felt soft to me.

He ended up just watching the two of us for a bit. She had smallish breasts with fairly large protruding nipples that I loved playing with, putting in my mouth. I couldn’t get enough of touching her. And she just seemed to know when I was ready to try the next thing. She stood up at one point to give me access to between her thighs and I remember looking at her then like, here we go, please don’t let everything get ruined here. But she just gave me an encouraging nod before I dove in. And couldn’t get enough of her.

When he joined in, it felt like sensual overload. I already felt so overwhelmed with all the newness of another woman’s body. But then he added his mouth and tongue into the mix, his hands, his cock. And at times I almost felt sad that I had to close my eyes to all the sensations and not see how gorgeous they both were in this moment, totally given over to passion and pleasure.

Afterwards, she did something that I was not expecting at all. When I think about it now it still makes me laugh. But she like, gave me her review of my part in our threesome! She told me I was a very dominant kisser, that I gave oral with great enthusiasm and that I tasted sweet. I’ve never been so pleased and so embarrassed at the same time. It was with reluctance that I deleted their number knowing it was only to ever happen the once between us.

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Out Loud

June 5, 2025

dating, relationships

There was a period of time where I wasn’t ready to actually go out and meet people for sex or dating. Actual people? That felt too scary and too real for me. I wanted something a little easier than that, like training wheels for sex and dating.

And that’s kind of where my online relationships came in. I would talk to people online who lived in different parts of the UK or even in America! And we’d share things with each other, really get to know each other. Sometimes (okay, most times) that would lead into talking about our fantasies, telling each other what we’d want to do to each other, maybe sending each other lewd pictures and we’d both wank in our respective places.

It was okay for awhile. I was in one such relationship with an American man once. He had lots of time for me and gave me so much attention. Out of everyone online that I got to know in this way, he was the one that most seemed to understand me. And it just felt really accepting as well. Like, he recognised that I’m complicated and confusing and passionate and he just went with it.

There were things that he said to me about myself that really dove deep into the core of me and I was infatuated with him almost because of the deep level of attention he gave me, that he saw and picked up on everything with me. And he loved it all. All of me with my quirks and confusion and inconsistency. And I guess this gave me something that I needed. It was letting me know what it was I wanted when I was really ready to meet someone that didn’t live thousands of miles away.

He did this thing once. Time zones were obviously tricky but it seemed to work and we talked on the phone quite often. He might phone me around 11am as he was driving into work and we’d talk for 45 minutes or an hour depending on what his work schedule looked like. And it was nice. I love voices, I love hearing the tone in someone else’s voice, hearing things in his voice that I’d never have picked up over text.

He went into a petrol station on one of these phone calls and I said to him ‘it’s very loud wherever you are, I can barely hear you’ and he said very loudly ‘my girlfriend says it’s loud in here, can you turn the music down?’ and it was just him being slightly obnoxious and a bit over the top in new relationship energy. But I think about him saying that all the time, even though it’s been years since it happened.

And I think it’s because he was so out loud with acknowledging me in relationship to him. His girlfriend. We hadn’t talked about a label like that, we hadn’t even been talking to each other that long. And he just came out with it, like no big deal. And I think the reason that it’s held on in my brain is that I don’t think it’s common for me to be with these types of people. And I want that.

I think I’m thinking about this one experience now because I want someone to be open about wanting to be with me, that doesn’t mind introducing me as their girlfriend. Someone that’s okay with however they’re feeling about me. I don’t want to be a secret, I don’t want to be uncertain of my place in your life. I want something a bit more out loud.

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Attached

June 4, 2025

dating, relationships

I recently finished a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

For context, I buy a lot of books. Physical books, ebooks. I get all my audiobooks from my library app but I’m prolific in my book buying habits. And for a bit of accountability, at the beginning of the year I counted the number of unread e-books I had (at the time, 300) and just happened to notice that 1/3 of those unread e-books were non-fiction. So I set myself a task of reading 100 non-fiction books as a reading challenge.

I love books about sex, about relationships, about desire. I love books about science, history, psychology. I’ll pretty much read anything. But there are certain books that I feel compelled to buy but like, I’m almost too afraid to read and confront my own issues. And that was the thing with picking up Attached to read. I knew there was a problem and I knew that Attached would address it. And it has. But now I feel paralysed about what I should do versus what I will do.

Attached is a really interesting book that discusses the theory of attachment styles. But it’s also just really practical and helpful as well as being interesting. It talks about the three types of attachment, the reasons behind why people have these types of attachment styles, how to spot the attachment styles of your romantic partners and what to do when you’re in different pairings.

There’s also a quiz fairly early on that lets you know which type of attachment style you have. It was no surprise to me to learn that I have an anxious attachment style. What was fascinating was learning about why I have the reactions I have and why I resort to what the authors called ‘protest behaviour’ and gave some incredible (but also fairly common sense, let’s be real) tips on how to approach being anxiously attached with someone who is securely attached and someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

The reason this book is giving me some real confusion is that I’m fairly sure that the person I’m in a situationship with has an avoidant attachment style and …I’m too afraid to use the advice I’ve just learnt to set better boundaries, to open up a line of communication with him and to acknowledge that I might not be in love with him. I might just be used to having an activated attachment style.

I …guess what I have to keep in mind is that I do actually want to have healthy romantic and sexual relationships with others and I’d like to have my emotional needs met. And I know that the way things are, I’m not exactly happy with the relationship and I’m not happy that I’m not getting the things I need.

I’m hoping that taking these baby steps towards better self awareness will go some way towards taking that next step towards finding – and keeping – love.

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What’s Better?

June 3, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I recently saw someone online ask what’s better than that moment when he slips inside you? There was more to it but that was the gist.

And no shade to the person who asked the question, but I gave it a lot of thought and I came up with a list of things that I enjoy more. I do like some good penetration, but…

When literally nobody gets your humour and you tell a joke, just under your breath, and someone hears it, gets it, and laughs.

When you start to explain about how hard it is to be a woman/bisexual/demisexual/mixed race woman/whatever it is and the other person just gets it. Gets you. No explanation required.

Curling up with your dog for a nap or literally spending any time doing anything with your dog who heals you every single day and teaches you so much about joy and love and especially about the giving and receiving of unconditional love.

When you make an obscure book reference and someone understands.

When you’ve nearly cried starting to tell a story and you have to stop and take a deep breath and you think about just not sharing but you look at him and you feel so accepted and safe and seen that you know it’ll be okay to be that emotional with him.

When you’ve lived your entire adult life with people who don’t like touching or being touched and you spend a whole day with someone happy to touch you in a million tiny ways.

When, since infancy, it’s always been you that gets stuff done, does all the things and then you meet someone who says let me take care of this, let me take care of you.

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The One I Still Think About

June 2, 2025

dating, sex

Around the same sort of time I started a 14 month relationship with someone very special to me (I haven’t yet talked about him on this blog!) I started messaging with this one person. We got on really well, had some great conversations. After about six weeks of fairly intense conversations, we decided to meet up. Only he had to cancel last minute. And we rescheduled for the next day …and he was a no show.

It was with a lot of regret that I ended up blocking him on Whatsapp and unmatching with him on Tinder. Because standing me up? Not cool. Fast forward about 18 months and I’ve joined this other site. And in the first week of me joining, I get a message from him. I’m using a different location, a different name, different pictures he’s never seen and …he recognises me from just my lips.

His message where he writes to me fairly confident that he’s got the right person almost two years after we last messaged last just made me laugh so much that I gave him another chance. His reason for standing me up made sense for who he was and he was very contrite. It felt quite easy to pick up where we had left off.

And we started going for walks. Every time I met him I felt like I just constantly smiled and laughed. I remember once we were having a conversation about science fiction and I like, danced around in excitement because he’d said something that I’d long thought but I’d never heard anyone else say. And I think that was the thing with him. Everything just felt so easy and comfortable. And I pretty much thought despite that we’d connected on Tinder initially and on another sex site that everything was platonic between us. Just two people who enjoy each other’s company and have some shared interests.

It was on our second walk when he started giving me this look like ‘aren’t you adorable?’ as I was babbling about something. When I stopped and said ‘what?’ He leaned in and then sort of stopped like, if you don’t want to be kissed you should say or pull away. So of course I start spilling words out – What are we doing? I didn’t think we were kissing friends? Are we really doing this? And he smiled, and said ‘Let’s see how it goes’ and leaned in for the sweetest, softest kiss ever. And I hadn’t expected there to be such electricity between us.

I have eyes, so I obviously knew he was very good looking. His dark hair in this almost messy wave, with really big brown eyes. A very expressive, open face. But I was seeing it in a brand new light after he kissed me. And I pretty much got in my car after that and drove off in a bit of a daze. Because of the reciprosexual thing, I hadn’t ever considered any sort of possibility of anything more with him. Until that kiss.

When I got home though? I thought about it. A lot. I think a lot about anyone that so easily makes me happy. So we arranged for plans again soon. Another walk in a pretty place halfway between where we both lived. And …it was pretty much like the other walks, we walked and as we did we talked about my dog, or the food he liked to cook, about holidays we’d been on before, more book talk. And I almost forgot that we’d had that one great kiss the last time we’d seen each other.

One of the things that we did talk about was about our friendship. He had said that as much as he loved kissing me and no matter how much he wanted to strip me out of my dress, one of the things he’d miss too much was if the sex stuff broke what we had as friends. That he really enjoyed talking about everything with me and he wanted that to continue. I agreed.

But we got back to our cars and it’s like the reminder that we both needed to leave spurred us into a very hot make out session. So hot that I had to pull him into the backseat of my car where we pawed at each other and kissed. And again, that’s where it ended. We both drove off and I went home to have more vaguely sexy thoughts about this sexy man and his soft hair and strong arms.

I was getting a bit frustrated by this pattern we were in so I went into planning mode. The next time we met, there would be more time. There would be some …satisfaction for all this sexual energy. And it happened. It felt pretty weird to lose some of our clothes. To have the opportunity to touch each other in places we hadn’t before. The sex was different than I’d expected. Varying at times between soft and gentle into this almost reckless abandon. But it felt like all of it fit with how we were.

I remember afterwards I said something like oh god, I hope I wasn’t too loud. And he said ‘shhh, you were perfect’ as he pulled me into his chest for a cuddle and we just stayed like that for ages as he stroked my back. There’s something so …necessary for me about that after sex cuddle and some reassurance. And he knew what I needed in that moment.

We met up another time after that for another walk and chat. But soon after that he went through a patch of difficulty in his life where he was signed off from work for an extended period of time. What he was going through was pretty rough and while I did send messages for awhile that said ‘I’m still here and I care about you’ in different ways, I’m not sure if he ever saw or read them. It’s been about a year and I never heard from him again.

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Sweet Beginnings

May 30, 2025

dating, sex

More than one person has said to me privately that a lot of my stories and blog posts end up on some rather sad or bittersweet endings (Difficult Choices, Electric Kisses, Crush and Burn to name a few!). Sometimes this is just unfortunate timing, bad luck. Sometimes it’s me making choices that aren’t good for me. But I wanted to reassure you today that it isn’t all bittersweet for me! Things do work out. And they work out for me. So today is more about a sweet beginning.

I have this person in my life, I think one of the first things he said to me in a message was that he was interested in me, but if there isn’t attraction, he’s at least fun and interesting company. And he so is. That’s such a him thing to say too. I love spending time with him. Not only is he very funny but he’s got a beautiful face, really quick to smile and laugh. But I think the thing I like about him most is how he makes me feel. Which is safe, accepted. I can be anxious and weird around him, I can be morose and thoughtful, I can be loud and dramatic. All the different parts of me, and it feels okay.

And I’ve met him several times now. The first time we hung out over drinks, talking and laughing. And other times we’ve hung out together naked in bed but still with the talking and laughing. He does this thing, and he’s done it all of the times we’ve met so far – which is saying something about me, for sure, but I bring it up as a thing I’m pointing out about him – where whenever we’re crossing the street together he stops me before I just casually step into oncoming traffic. It’s such a small thing but I love it when he does it. I’ll be babbling about something when we’re outside and he’ll be like, hey, I’m looking out for you. I like it.

We have things in common. Being non-monogamous, having an interest in the world and specifically an interest in the experience of marginalised people. Having complicated families and relationships. An interest in poetry. In getting to the heart of things. Sometimes it feels like ‘Yes, you get it!’ at the same time as utter bafflement when one of us has to explain something (obvious) to the other that we don’t get because of all of our differences too. But I think that makes it more fun and interesting.

Sex with him is good. But I think sex with him is good because of all the other stuff I’ve mentioned. The care he shows me, the things we have in common, the comfort I feel to be myself around him, that he makes me laugh. There’s such sexiness when it comes with knowing how you feel about a person, knowing how they feel about you. There’s a sexiness about having a friendship that’s big enough to encompass sexy times and for it to just enhance your friendship more than anything else.

And there’s a sexiness about someone who just makes me smile. I’m currently making plans to see him again…

Updated to add: Wrote this too soon. Bittersweet it is.

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