Baby, Can I Hold You

Breaking the Rules

May 14, 2025

dating, sex

Have you ever just met someone and ended up breaking all your rules?

I connected with this man awhile back. He seemed ridiculously into my profile. What I’d written, the pictures I’d posted. He was very complimentary in a way that I like the most – where it felt genuine but also not just about my physical appearance. I don’t rate my face that much so when men talk about it I feel a bit disconnected.

We started messaging fairly regularly. Talking about a combination of light, casual things and also more deep, serious things. I need that balance. I remember once I jokingly said I’d enjoy his (very sexy!) pictures more if it was him lounging naked reading a book and he immediately sent me the greatest picture ever of just that. Him in bed, naked with a book propped just in front of him so that I could see his bare chest, his legs, a very sexy look on his face but nothing more intimate. It was tasteful, classy. It delighted me. He delighted me.

He was also just a little bit mysterious. Holding fascinating things about himself close to his chest and dropping little hints like, meet me for coffee or a long shag and maybe I’ll tell you about these things sometime. And I was keen. I definitely wanted to meet him but his availability was poor and it took awhile to make things happen.

We met up in a nearby cafe on a really rainy, stormy day. But in the cafe, it almost felt cosier. Secluded. Safe in a bubble. I had said to him beforehand that he might not be physically attracted to me in person (it’s happened before!) and he said the same about himself. But it would have been difficult not to fancy him in person. He looked …so put together. I know that sounds like a weird description but it really fit him. He had said early on that he kept to good fitness levels for a sporting hobby but also that he was also a bit into the idea of looking good. And he really did.

But he was also really funny and I love funny people. Halfway through our drinks, I asked him what was the last book he read and loved and why? And he started telling me about some historical book that I’d never heard of by an author I was familiar with (but that I hadn’t ever considered what type of books they had written) and I was sort of only half listening as I was more distracted by just watching him. Watching his face light up as he was talking about this book, the way he looked in his jumper, the way the light sort of hit this one spot on his neck.

Then he said still talking about this book he loved ‘maritime regulations state…’ and let me tell you, my sexual attraction peaked in that very moment. There’s just something about nerdiness in a man. Nerdiness of books and reading in a man. And together with the way we’d talked about a whole slew of other things, that he was nice to look at, that he made me laugh. I knew that I definitely wanted to be naked with this man.

So when he suggested a time and date, I said ‘yes’. I noticed after I accepted that I had plans with my book group that evening but I cancelled on them. I felt like these plans were more pressing. And as he and I are talking about plans he (probably jokingly) suggested that I show up at his door in nothing but lingerie. ‘In December?’ I laughed. And a coat, he generously suggested. But it was the huge amount of lust that I had for this man that I thought …why not. I’ll do it. Who needs those rules you have for yourself, right?

And actually, I felt quite sexy dressing in my lingerie and coat and driving to his place. It felt like a turn on to be doing something so out of the ordinary for me. I liked the idea of him being into it. I liked feeling sexy. …Until Google Maps said I’d arrived and I couldn’t obviously spot where any of the houses were. I could see nothing but a row of garages. I wanted to live out the sexy scenario of knocking on his door how I was dressed. But in the end I called him. Said I’m lost, please come out and find me.

It didn’t feel quite so sexy walking 10 minutes from where I’d parked my car through a maze of paths to his place, shivering the entire time. Me thinking, what’s sexy about bare legs in the winter? Why did my coat have to be this thin? Layers, folks. Layers are sexy.

Things were a bit better when we get into his warm house. His living room was cosy and warm and I stood there slightly awkwardly as he went off to get me a drink. I needed a minute to compose myself anyway. When he came back, he gave me a hug and that’s always the perfect antidote. Hugs make everything better.

And after I had feeling in my legs again we did end up in his bed. And it was nice. He had questionable taste in music but I would say a nice time was had. Perfectly adequate. And that’s as generous as I can be with him. Because after he went to tidy up, he gave me the first hint that he’d like for me to go. I thought ‘that’s weird’ but didn’t think much more of it. Until he said he was probably going to this thing in about 45 minutes. And he said it a little pointedly. So at this point I’m starting to question things a bit. And eventually he just outright says ‘if you’re hoping for round 2, you’re out of luck’ or something to this effect. And so, after three very blatant attempts at kicking me out, I get my shoes on and leave.

Thankfully, I thought ahead and threw in a dress and a pair of leggings into my bag. Messaged my book group that I’d meet them for dinner after all. Sometimes those rules are in place for a reason and sometimes I need to remember that.

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Meeting Him

May 13, 2025

dating

As I hinted at in this post, I didn’t always say ‘no’ when the actual sexiest person I’ve ever encountered asked me to meet him. There was some definite hesitance on my part. At the time I was still married, as was he. But one day I was in a particularly low patch with my (now) ex husband that I said to him, let’s do this. Are you free on Tuesday? And he was.

Because I’m me, I put restrictions on him. I asked him for however long we were together that he make no sexual comments, that he do nothing sexual. I told him I was already on the very brink of changing my mind and cancelling that I couldn’t face any additional pressure from him that anything could or would happen. I took the possibility off the table long before we met.

We were to meet in a bookstore in a town local to me. Fairly early in the morning. Like, earlier than I’d normally expect to meet someone. I was a ball of nerves beforehand and I sent some panicked messages to my best friend who talked me down from the ledge. I got to the bookstore early and very nervously hung around the front of the store, always facing the door, looking out for him.

The very second he walked in the door my heartbeat started racing, I feel like I had problems breathing. I remember thinking this is a fucking great way to start – flailing before we’ve properly met. The moment he walked in the door he pulled out his phone and sent me a message. He was wearing jeans and a white shirt, the sleeves rolled up to show off his sexy forearms.

He was taller than I expected when I walked up to him to say ‘hello’ and I noticed he smelled good when he leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. I was clearly nervous and probably said so straightaway but he only grinned and took over the conversation. Asking if I’d been browsing long, asking if there was anything that I found interesting. It was the right call, and I ended up talking about a non-fiction book that I was interested in (that I still don’t have a copy of and have never read).

We browsed for a bit but ended up in a cafe close by where I ordered a hot chocolate that I don’t particularly like drinking unless I’m poorly or it’s Christmas but I felt like I needed something comforting. Luckily, some of my nerves had worn off and we ended up having a good conversation while he had our drinks. He told me about being in the army, about an idea he had about a book he wanted to write involving chess.

In fact we had such a good time talking that we carried on talking through browsing again at Waterstones where he bought a ‘thank you’ gift for a friend that had hosted him the previous weekend. We wandered into some other shops on the High Street including one home store where he let slip that he likes canning vegetables which I thought was the most fascinating and adorable thing.

There were definitely times that I felt shy around him. I was still particularly nervous around tall men at that time. But I liked his confidence, the sure way he walked and moved. His eyes were the prettiest shade of blue and his gaze was quite intense when he focused on me. He seemed a bit self conscious of his teeth being slightly crooked but I loved when he forgot that and did a full smile anyway.

We talked for so long that we had to stop for a late lunch. I don’t always feel comfortable eating in front of someone new but he made it easier by eating so focused on his own food (and a lot of it) that he barely even glanced up to see what I was doing with my own food.

It was just so nice to spend time in his company. This man that had inspired fantasies and gave me such a confidence boost when I felt like such a frumpy housewife. He didn’t touch me at all during the day we spent except to kiss my cheek hello and goodbye. But there was enough in the way he looked at me, the attention he gave me that I knew without my guidance that there couldn’t be anything sexual that there would have been something sexual between us.

He sent me a message almost straightaway after we’d said goodbye as I was walking back to my car. It said ‘your arse looks great in that dress’ and I gasped when I read it and turned back to see if he was still stood there watching me walk away from him but he wasn’t.

I sent him a message later saying that I thought we should meet again sometime soon, and that next time there should be no restrictions. He agreed. But his work got busy shortly after that and he had very little free time to meet. But we carried on messaging. Sometimes for hours at a time. It always started off with a heavy sexual nature and somehow it evolved into talking about everything. Life, music, the decisions we’ve made. Canning vegetables and books.

I definitely felt a lot for him and eventually he sent me a message to say that he felt the same towards me. And that he had reached a crossroads where he had to make a decision to carry on the way he was going or to dedicate himself to his wife and their marriage. So he made his choice and we never met or messaged again.

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Communication Is Key

May 12, 2025

sex

I thought today I’d return to a theme and talk about some communication fails I’ve experienced recently. Good communication is so important, I honestly cannot stress that enough.

Experience 1

One of the first men I met after I started putting myself out there following my separation was this lovely man. When he and I started messaging the main points that we both raised were that we were busy people who were missing physical intimacy. So impulsively we agreed to meet up and scratch that itch for each other, so to speak.

He was a good looking man. He hadn’t mentioned it but it was obvious that he used to weigh a lot more and that he’d lost a lot of weight in a short period of time. I wonder in hindsight if that played some part in a lack of confidence in him?

He had an easy smile and I felt quite comfortable with him very quickly. It helped that when I licked his earlobe and almost sucked it into my mouth he let out the biggest gasp of pleasure I’ve ever heard. It does things to me to find out things that turn on other people.

But communication. We were in the middle of the sex when all of a sudden he pulled right out of me, left the room and 30 seconds later I heard the shower running in his ensuite. …And I was left naked lying on his bed wondering wtf just happened?

When he came out of the shower, he seemed to want to get right back to where he’d left off. But obviously that wasn’t going to happen without some explanation. And that’s when he told me, belatedly, that he has a mild form of OCD and finds the idea of his own sweat a trigger.

We’re all busy people, but we’re not too busy to relay some important information to our sexual partners. It was in the middle of summer and we were having sex where sweat could reasonably be expected to happen.

Experience 2

Fast forward a few months and I had another experience where communication was not at its best. This man was full of energy. When I met him he immediately made me think of an excitable puppy. Constant movement in an adorable way.

Physically he was very different to anyone I’d been with before. While he obviously worked out and was in good shape, his body frame also seemed rather slight. Together with him also being about my height, next to him, I felt large. Wide.

Thankfully my own self consciousness did not hinder us getting on with what we were both there for. And he went about all the foreplay with some gusto. He enjoyed kissing. And playing with my breasts. He was definitely a man that enjoyed giving oral and I vocalised my pleasure at his attentions. When I positioned myself to return the favour and give him oral, he lasted about 45 seconds before he said anymore of that and we won’t end up doing anything else. So we moved onto penetrative sex.

And afterwards, he asked me what I enjoyed the most. I’m sure I blushed when I said ‘the oral’ and (communication fail) he heard what he wanted to hear. So when he was ready again he asked if I wanted more? I thought he meant me receiving more so I said ‘yes’ only to be very surprised when he straddled my face and he shoved himself into my mouth at the most uncomfortable angle ever.

In the end I had to physically push him off me.

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Oh My God

May 9, 2025

dating, sex

I had an experience the other day that prompted me to send a voice note to a friend that just said ‘Oh my god … oh my god. Oh my god. I don’t even know what to say, just … oh my god’ And my poor friend ended up writing back, Are you okay? Are you safe? Which, fair. There a lot of different ways to interpret that bizarre voice note.

Let me start at the beginning.

I have this person in my life. I’ve written about him before and there’s something about him that seems to be equal parts frustrating and can’t get enough of him for me. We met, I immediately wanted more. He still does not want more from me. But we have the most insane sexual chemistry and I know that I 100% will end up hurt whenever our situationship comes to an end but I’m still hoping that when that time comes I’ll have no regrets. We shall see.

We’ve met up many times. After our first date, we met briefly in a Waterstones where he wore this polo shirt that brought out the colour of his eyes in this way that I actually dreamt about him just standing there smiling at me, wearing this light blue shirt. I’m ridiculous. And in the dream and him actually standing in front of him the look was pretty great.

He and I never seem to have great availability with each other. But then we managed to meet up twice in a short period of time for a walk in a nearby park and I discovered that properly kissing him feels like an addiction to me. I love kissing just generally but with him? Good lord. It was fire. Just kissing him had me unravelling. All my inhibitions seemed to have fled me all at once and I became this writhing, needy person. It felt like I was in heat, that I wanted him with this fiery passion. Did I actually end up throwing myself into his lap, grinding myself against his erection, pressing myself as close to him as I could possibly get? Yes, yes I did. Did it happen more than once? Also yes.

After that we went through a period where we didn’t meet for ages. And I thought perhaps all the fire between us burnt out and that’s where things might end? But because we still messaged most days there seemed to be this ‘maybe’ around us. And it happened that things aligned and we met somewhere with a bed. With space to stretch out. To enjoy each other’s nakedness. With more kissing, more touching. All the orgasms. But a thing happened. And it happened twice. That he showed up with no condoms. And I felt like crying both times. Like, here we are, how are we not making the best use of our time? Which isn’t to say that I didn’t enormously enjoy myself. I did. I do every time with him.

He’s very focused on my pleasure so it’s hard not to enjoy myself when my enjoyment seems to be the purpose. But also, there’s a special kind of feeling for me having his cock in my mouth that I actually love. Hearing his pleasure gets me so turned on. As I imagine hearing mine turns him on. But as ever, I always want more.

So by the time this thing happens the other day, I’m almost resigned to the fact that this man will both satisfy me entirely and also leave me wanting at the same time. It’s a fine line to walk but somehow he manages it with such skill. So we’re naked on the bed, and I’m sitting in almost a V position, my legs hooked over his hips, one of my hands on his chest, the other around his neck pulling him in closer for all the kissing. When he pulls away from me to ask, ‘what do you want?’ my reaction is immediate. I lose all the tension in my body, flop down on my bed and with the biggest sigh in the world, say very honestly ‘I’ve never wanted someone to fuck me as badly as I want you to fuck me’

I’m almost amazed at how brazen I am. But it’s been almost a year and it’s never happened. I don’t think I’m unfair at all in what I said, even the dramatic way in which I said it. But he absolutely astonishes me by saying ‘you want me to fuck you? okay’ and gets up to fish a condom out of his jeans pocket. And I swear to you, I feel like I died on the spot. Or at some point in the next however long he fucked me. Because it’s something I’ve thought about for so long. I even wrote poetry about what it would be like to have sex with this man. And the reality of it? The reality of it was a million times better. Every movement he made, every look he gave me, that he turned his head and kissed my calf at one point. Everything about it felt like my entire universe was shifting and we were creating a new reality right there in that spot.

Which is why the moment he walked out of the door, I couldn’t say anything but ‘oh my god’ over and over again. Please god, let it happen again.

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Does Size Matter?

May 8, 2025

dating, sex

I never used to think it does. And on this journey through sex and dating I’ve changed my mind.

I met this man awhile back. He was lovely. We went on two coffee dates two days in a row because he made me smile, he was interesting. He had a very calming demeanour. I felt like I could talk to him about anything. I wanted to see more of him.

Very soon after we decided to move things to nakedness. And it started off great. As a bit of sexy preamble, he told me as were kissing and fumbling to get our clothes off that he’s an engineer and his job is to listen to all these subtle changes in noise. He was talking about the machines he worked with and making this comparison with a woman’s body. My body. The noises I make.

And …I absolutely cannot fault him. The man had some very talented fingers and he definitely paid attention to what I liked and what I responded to. If we only ever did that, I think maybe we’d still be seeing each other. But we didn’t.

His size became apparent fairly soon after we were naked. And I remember having a thought like, this isn’t a big deal. I’m not a size queen, there are so many things that are more important. I don’t want to be that person that makes someone feel bad about something outside of their control. So I thought let’s power through. I was enjoying his hands on me. And I wanted more.

But when we got to the penis in vagina portion of the sex, I had a ‘is it in?’ moment. I wasn’t sure. The sensation I was getting was very little. There was no pleasure in it for me. It didn’t last long and after we’d finished and gotten dressed and tidied ourselves up, there was an awkwardness between us. But neither one of us said anything. What is there to say when something is so very disappointing?

I wanted to hold onto how great he was as a person, how interesting I found him. I wanted to remember how he made me feel with his fingers. The dedication he put into making me feel good. But in the end, I found that I couldn’t get past the other thing. Where size did really matter to me.

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Lost

May 7, 2025

dating, poetry

Look, I’m always losing my house keys

Or my car keys

My hand sanitiser

The portable phone charger

That I have two of for this very reason

I used to keep them in my brown boots

The ones I never wear because they pinch my toes just a little bit

That I keep by the shoe rack right by the door

But they could also be in my coat pocket from that day it was really cold in the morning but sweltering by lunchtime

Or the tote bag I hang in my room

That I use when I go charity shopping

Or the handbag I grab as I’m heading out the door

When I’m wearing a dress with no pockets

But still need to take the dog for a walk

I can’t find my bookmark

And I can never find my reading glasses

Or the card that has my national insurance number on it

I don’t know where the email address is for the lady who organises that course I want to take in the autumn

Or the loyalty card with the stamps in it that I take to my hairdressers

So I look in drawers and piles of paperwork

Behind my bedside table

But of all the things I’ve lost lately the things I’m not looking to find again

Are your sarcastic remarks about us trying again

The laughing emojis after it like you’d just said something hilarious

Or the way you said let’s be friends? after we had sex for the first time

I’ve completely lost your friendship after you stopped messaging me October of last year but popped up in my notifications again last week

I want to lose the way I felt when you said I’m fascinating but mental

And in the next breath asked when we can do this again

I’m losing my patience for disrespect

Of me

Of my boundaries

For people who take of me

And don’t give back

So I’ll look in my work bag

Behind that pile of books

Or in the pockets of those jeans I love with the wide legs that swish when I walk

And hope I find something closer to love

Or laughter

And also my house keys

Always those

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Crush and Burn

May 6, 2025

dating

I started messaging someone about a month ago. We both frequent a website that includes an area with forum threads and I’d seen his name around before that. Mostly at the end of a thread where he’d share a very blunt comment that cut through a lot of the bullshit on whatever topic the thread was about. And it was these comments that stuck out for me, they made me laugh mostly. I think there’s something appealing in others that is very opposite to how I am. Overly wordy versus straight to the point.

And I think that’s how my crush started. Another forum thread asked to say something nice about the poster above. And when I clicked on it, the poster above was him. And I said I liked the artsy photos he’d included on his profile. It was nice to see someone that had put some thought and effort into the aesthetic. I appreciate the creativity in others. His lighting was incredible, the angles of his pictures. It felt like a glimpse into his personality, seeing his pictures.

None of these little interactions materialised into anything more. Until they did. He messaged first and I felt like there was something about him. Maybe it was something that I’d created in my head about him? but I remember within the first few messages I’d already shared something deeply personal about myself with him. And it shocked him too. There was real surprise but also, I think, appreciation in the sharing.

And it carried on from there. He was interesting to talk to. Conversation could go deeper, could maintain light and funny. It could veer off into completely random places. And I felt excited every time I saw his name in my Inbox. It felt okay to just bring up other things I was thinking about. And at some point I started thinking …I really like this man. I like the way he thinks, his approach to things. I find that I’m drawn to people with a certain sort of quality to them that manages to balance out my own high emotion. But in a way that made me still feel safe, comfortable. I felt like I told him things I don’t share with everyone. I opened up in a way that I would usually find scary to do. But it didn’t feel scary. It felt natural, it felt easy. And there were times where I pulled away from that feeling, unsure of how to handle that.

And other times I leaned into it. He was an early inspiration for me starting this blog, he was the person that gave me a suggestion for a title for this blog. I liked his open appreciation for certain things about myself. One of my favourite things that he also noticed about me was my talent for storytelling. And I felt like with the smallest encouragement from him, I wanted to do more. To explore it more. To find out where it would take me. And there was something in that for me specifically with him. Like, I liked doing things for him to say complimentary things to me. I liked that he could be really open and say he liked whatever was between us. That he could say really nice things about me just like that. So carefree, without overthinking what it means or what it is. Simple. To the point.

In the end, I got on a train to meet him. He was in the area for work and on the way to meet him I mentioned that I have travel anxiety. I don’t generally hide my anxious brain but I’m also not usually so open about it either. Meeting him took two trains and some walking in an unfamiliar place with my no sense of direction. I remember when I did finally find him, I sat opposite him in a cafe and just put my head in my hands to do some deep, calming breaths. Because I needed it. And I felt okay to do that in front of him.

I thought it would be a really weird thing. To be sitting in front of someone that I’d been talking to online for so long (that I had a massive crush on). To have those conversations face to face without the self editing that can sometimes take place over messaging. That it might be too weird to reconcile the person I’d been getting to know online with the person in front of me with his actual face and smile and hands. Eyes that could see all of me and not just the artfully crafted words that I’d send him. But it felt like only momentary weirdness and then it was gone. And the overwhelming crush on him was still there.

There aren’t that many people that I feel like I can truly be myself with. I don’t think I allow myself that freedom or maybe I don’t feel truly comfortable with that many people. But that day I met him? I felt like the entire day I was able to be authentically me. When after he’d finished his drink he asked if I wanted to see his insane hotel room? I laughed and said that’s the cheesiest pick up line up I’d ever heard but he took me to his hotel room and it was a pretty unique space.

And it felt easy and comfortable to be alone in that room with him too. Talking on his bed as his stroked my leg, the way that he looked at me as I continued to babble away. I told him I was awkward and talking too much even after all of his really great touching and he said something like he wouldn’t like me if I wasn’t me (with all the words) and have I said before how sexy I find acceptance? What I loved about the way he touched me then was that it was so specific. It was exploratory like he was on some voyage of discovery to find out what type of touch I like, the right pressure, the right places to touch. With no sense of being in a rush, like there was nowhere else he’d rather be than there running his hands along my thighs. I couldn’t even begin to describe how much one particular touch, quite firm on my hip did things to me in a way that I’ve never experienced. Together with the kissing. Can you have such a hot experience with both of you fully clothed throughout?

Afterwards, we walked and talked in the sunshine. At some point he took my hand and we held hands as we walked for the rest of the afternoon. And I hadn’t realised how much I had missed that. That I felt like I needed it. To have that sense of physical connection with another person, and not just any person. This person. And he was so great about it. He’d squeeze my hand when I got to a sad part in a story and it felt like, I’m here, it’s okay. It was such a small thing but I felt so emotional about it. And it was just the natural way that he’d reach out his hand as I was speaking and just touch my hand. How are people like that? How is that so easy? I love people that are so free with their physical affection. I could get addicted to it. But it felt like one of those things that just added to the joy of spending time with him. It was lovely day and he was a lovely man.

When we said goodbye at the station, he thanked me as we hugged. Acknowledging, I guess, that it isn’t easy for me with the travel. But in that moment I’d forgotten the panic of that morning. The feeling of being lost. Because the memory had been paved over by the sunshine, by the easy conversation, by great kisses and laughter. And it was all just so nice.

I felt too distracted on the journey home to read my book. I felt buzzed from the day, from all these feelings I hadn’t yet processed, that I didn’t know what to do with. Out of habit, I checked the website we both use. And as I’m clicking around, looking at the normal things I look at I noticed something unusual. I didn’t want to spoil the high of my day but it was one of those things that scratched against things that are Not Okay for me. So I asked him about it.

And it turned out that he’d let someone else in on my privacy. Which opened this door for someone close to him to invade the space he and I had created together in a way that meant that I no longer felt safe. In fact, all of a sudden that space felt spoiled and from this other person, unexpectedly unkind.

So that’s all it will ever be. One great day in the sunshine.

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High Street

May 2, 2025

poetry, relationships

I sometimes take my dog to the high street

My dog that loves me best in the world

That looks at me adoringly

Always happiest pressed against me

And I let a friend hold his dog lead

As I walk away from him

Sometimes slowly

Sometimes quickly

He seems to be okay for the first few steps away from him that I take

His tail still wagging

His happy face open and accepting

His eyes only on me

He does okay when I’m further away but still in sight

But he might pull on his lead

Jump on his hind legs to get a better view of me

It’s when I turn a corner or enter a shop

That the whining starts

The sound of it getting louder

More insistent

As he pulls at his lead

Tries to wriggle out of his harness

So he can run after me

Even if that means running into the street or in harm’s way

The staff in the shops give him sympathetic looks

Offer him sad little smiles

Say to me will he be okay?

Doesn’t he have a connection with you?

And I say hopefully with practice it will get easier being away from each other

And in that moment I am the same as my dog

Needing your attention

Your company

As I watch you walk away from me

I don’t let out a heartbreaking cry or pull against what holds me in place

I just stand silently

Breaking slowly

Or maybe quickly

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Meeting Couples

May 1, 2025

dating

It can be so hard to date people one on one. That’s already plenty complicated enough. But meeting couples on dates? Twice as tricky.

I never considered myself a unicorn. But I have been one. And enjoyed the experiences. (I hope to tell you about them some time!) Dating a couple can be an odd experience.

There can be couples like the one I described in Electric Kisses, where I felt a much stronger connection to one person over the other. But quite often, there’s just no chemistry at all. And that’s mostly been the case for me.

The first couple I met on a date. I’d been chatting to them for weeks but from the overwhelming amount of emojis being used I wrongly assumed that I was talking to her. I found out on our date that I was not. They sent me a collage of pictures of them on their own and together as a couple before our date. They were attractive and interesting and I was excited to meet them.

When I pulled into the pub, they were already seated at a table near a front window and had watched me struggle to park. They both kissed my cheek ‘hello’ and he offered to get my drink. Conversation was stilted at first but settled into more of a rhythm. They talked excessively about their interest in both climbing and visiting sex clubs and their stories about sex and dating were much more extreme than mine. She inadvertently admitted to lying about their ages and incidentally, she looked 10-15 years older than her pictures would indicate. I felt uncomfortable and at the end of the night when he announced he’d like a snog, I immediately felt ‘the ick’ and politely declined.

The second couple I met on a date. They were lovely and warm in their messages. Quite straightforward with the way they expressed their sexual interest in me before we met up. Both ridiculously attractive in person. Engaging in conversation, really interesting. It turned out we had some things in common that hadn’t been touched on in our messaging and this meant that we talked very easily for several hours.

I felt quite energised by this date. It felt like such a victory to be meeting a couple where things flowed very naturally between us. Where I felt an attraction to them both fairly equally. I loved that they both made me laugh, that I could see myself in bed with them as easily as I could see myself spending time with them socially.

So it kind of burst my bubble (and really hurt my feelings!) when after our date I sent them a message saying what a great time I had and to find out when we might meet again with some added kissing perhaps? Their response was to say, didn’t we tell you? We’re only interested in friendship and the social side of things. Oh. So, very different to how you were in your messaging before you met me then. I wish people had more courage to just say outright that they don’t fancy me.

The third couple I met on a date. By this time, I wasn’t feeling very motivated to meet other couples. But this couple was nerdy and loved board games and nerdy board game people are generally my kind of people. So I took a chance on them. And… they were nice. We did not share a similar outlook on board games. Or music. Or books. Or other hobbies. And I don’t need those things. I’m not attracted only to clones of myself. But it felt very much like we were all scrambling around for what to say to each other as every topic was kind of crumbling to pieces.

At one point, he had left something in the pub we were just in and she and I stood in the street waiting. I was not handling the silence well so tried to insert plenty of my trademark babbling to end the silence. But she pretty much just looked at me so intently like she was trying to memorise my features for a quiz that would happen shortly. I didn’t know what to say or do and I felt relieved when he returned and we could carry on with our journey towards the train station.

I tend to say often that I’m not sure how my attraction works but for the most part, I knew that I wasn’t attracted to either of these people. But I was in a spate of not so great dates at this time so I thought ‘maybe I’m wrong’ about the lack of attraction when we finally said our goodbyes and he mentioned a kiss goodnight.

I kissed her first and it was soft and wet and I remembering thinking it was too soft and too wet for my liking. I kissed him next and he pulled me into his body and it felt like too much with one hand in my hair and another at my waist. We said our goodbyes and we never met again.

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When You Know

April 30, 2025

dating

Are you a psycho like me when it comes to dating and communication?

I do this thing sometimes. Okay, quite often. Where I think something is quite obvious, so obvious in fact that I don’t actually say it. But then expectations form and I end up getting hurt over things that we’d never discussed. Let me explain.

I think I heard somewhere that women decide if they want to have sex with a person within a short period of time after meeting someone. I don’t remember what the number is. If it was in seconds or minutes. It was a short period of time in any case. And when I was thinking about writing this post I wondered if maybe in my case I know within that short period of time whether or not I want more from a person than casual.

I have this person in my life, we met almost a year ago now. And I feel like after our first date I was totally into him. I definitely wanted more. And despite the fact that prior to us meeting we’d both stated that dating or a relationship wasn’t where either one of us was at, after we met I started treating him like we were seriously dating. So I’d get upset when he left me on read or he didn’t pay me the appropriate amount of attention.

Eventually after comments were made, we talked about it. I realised that I wasn’t being fair to him. He’d made me no promises, we hadn’t agreed to anything. So I dialled things down and tried to behave more like a normal person with him.

And now it goes in circles with us. With me, really. I’ll be okay for awhile in our casual, we’re not dating situationship. Then it will reach a certain point and I’ll start angsting about what we are. What we aren’t. That I want more. That I want things from him that he has never said or indicated that he’d like with me. And I’ll cry. Or I’ll write poetry about him. I’ll write blog posts about the things I want from him when he doesn’t (or didn’t) have the link to this blog. And I’ll talk about him to my friends who all advise me to move on. But I don’t.

Am I addicted to this destructive cycle? The stupid thing is that I don’t think I’ve ever been that clear with him about any of it. Have I told him recently that I don’t want it to be just sex between us? No. I may have implied it. Have I told him recently that if there was a possibility of more between him and me that I’d stop the dating and having sex with others? Also no.

I honestly feel like I haven’t said those things because I find them too obvious to say. (Or maybe I’m too scared to find out for sure that he absolutely doesn’t want things with me?) How does he not just know how I feel about him? From the amount of time I spend messaging him, from the things I say to him? I’m not a naturally open person, I don’t tend to like being vulnerable with others but I am with him. I want to be vulnerable with him, I want him to see my vulnerability. To see me. I tell him about other dates and other people I’ve had sex with almost to include him in it. To show him that even if others are present, that he’s a priority to me. That I want to share these things with him. But without saying that to him it’s really not obvious to anyone that that is what I’m doing or how I’m feeling.

That felt like a lot of words and paragraphs to say that I’m really shit at communicating the important stuff. God, I really need to do better. But also, I think it’s time that I either say the hard stuff or walk away.

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