Baby, Can I Hold You

Out Loud

June 5, 2025

dating, relationships

There was a period of time where I wasn’t ready to actually go out and meet people for sex or dating. Actual people? That felt too scary and too real for me. I wanted something a little easier than that, like training wheels for sex and dating.

And that’s kind of where my online relationships came in. I would talk to people online who lived in different parts of the UK or even in America! And we’d share things with each other, really get to know each other. Sometimes (okay, most times) that would lead into talking about our fantasies, telling each other what we’d want to do to each other, maybe sending each other lewd pictures and we’d both wank in our respective places.

It was okay for awhile. I was in one such relationship with an American man once. He had lots of time for me and gave me so much attention. Out of everyone online that I got to know in this way, he was the one that most seemed to understand me. And it just felt really accepting as well. Like, he recognised that I’m complicated and confusing and passionate and he just went with it.

There were things that he said to me about myself that really dove deep into the core of me and I was infatuated with him almost because of the deep level of attention he gave me, that he saw and picked up on everything with me. And he loved it all. All of me with my quirks and confusion and inconsistency. And I guess this gave me something that I needed. It was letting me know what it was I wanted when I was really ready to meet someone that didn’t live thousands of miles away.

He did this thing once. Time zones were obviously tricky but it seemed to work and we talked on the phone quite often. He might phone me around 11am as he was driving into work and we’d talk for 45 minutes or an hour depending on what his work schedule looked like. And it was nice. I love voices, I love hearing the tone in someone else’s voice, hearing things in his voice that I’d never have picked up over text.

He went into a petrol station on one of these phone calls and I said to him ‘it’s very loud wherever you are, I can barely hear you’ and he said very loudly ‘my girlfriend says it’s loud in here, can you turn the music down?’ and it was just him being slightly obnoxious and a bit over the top in new relationship energy. But I think about him saying that all the time, even though it’s been years since it happened.

And I think it’s because he was so out loud with acknowledging me in relationship to him. His girlfriend. We hadn’t talked about a label like that, we hadn’t even been talking to each other that long. And he just came out with it, like no big deal. And I think the reason that it’s held on in my brain is that I don’t think it’s common for me to be with these types of people. And I want that.

I think I’m thinking about this one experience now because I want someone to be open about wanting to be with me, that doesn’t mind introducing me as their girlfriend. Someone that’s okay with however they’re feeling about me. I don’t want to be a secret, I don’t want to be uncertain of my place in your life. I want something a bit more out loud.

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Attached

June 4, 2025

dating, relationships

I recently finished a book called Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find – and Keep – Love by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller.

For context, I buy a lot of books. Physical books, ebooks. I get all my audiobooks from my library app but I’m prolific in my book buying habits. And for a bit of accountability, at the beginning of the year I counted the number of unread e-books I had (at the time, 300) and just happened to notice that 1/3 of those unread e-books were non-fiction. So I set myself a task of reading 100 non-fiction books as a reading challenge.

I love books about sex, about relationships, about desire. I love books about science, history, psychology. I’ll pretty much read anything. But there are certain books that I feel compelled to buy but like, I’m almost too afraid to read and confront my own issues. And that was the thing with picking up Attached to read. I knew there was a problem and I knew that Attached would address it. And it has. But now I feel paralysed about what I should do versus what I will do.

Attached is a really interesting book that discusses the theory of attachment styles. But it’s also just really practical and helpful as well as being interesting. It talks about the three types of attachment, the reasons behind why people have these types of attachment styles, how to spot the attachment styles of your romantic partners and what to do when you’re in different pairings.

There’s also a quiz fairly early on that lets you know which type of attachment style you have. It was no surprise to me to learn that I have an anxious attachment style. What was fascinating was learning about why I have the reactions I have and why I resort to what the authors called ‘protest behaviour’ and gave some incredible (but also fairly common sense, let’s be real) tips on how to approach being anxiously attached with someone who is securely attached and someone who has an avoidant attachment style.

The reason this book is giving me some real confusion is that I’m fairly sure that the person I’m in a situationship with has an avoidant attachment style and …I’m too afraid to use the advice I’ve just learnt to set better boundaries, to open up a line of communication with him and to acknowledge that I might not be in love with him. I might just be used to having an activated attachment style.

I …guess what I have to keep in mind is that I do actually want to have healthy romantic and sexual relationships with others and I’d like to have my emotional needs met. And I know that the way things are, I’m not exactly happy with the relationship and I’m not happy that I’m not getting the things I need.

I’m hoping that taking these baby steps towards better self awareness will go some way towards taking that next step towards finding – and keeping – love.

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What’s Better?

June 3, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I recently saw someone online ask what’s better than that moment when he slips inside you? There was more to it but that was the gist.

And no shade to the person who asked the question, but I gave it a lot of thought and I came up with a list of things that I enjoy more. I do like some good penetration, but…

When literally nobody gets your humour and you tell a joke, just under your breath, and someone hears it, gets it, and laughs.

When you start to explain about how hard it is to be a woman/bisexual/demisexual/mixed race woman/whatever it is and the other person just gets it. Gets you. No explanation required.

Curling up with your dog for a nap or literally spending any time doing anything with your dog who heals you every single day and teaches you so much about joy and love and especially about the giving and receiving of unconditional love.

When you make an obscure book reference and someone understands.

When you’ve nearly cried starting to tell a story and you have to stop and take a deep breath and you think about just not sharing but you look at him and you feel so accepted and safe and seen that you know it’ll be okay to be that emotional with him.

When you’ve lived your entire adult life with people who don’t like touching or being touched and you spend a whole day with someone happy to touch you in a million tiny ways.

When, since infancy, it’s always been you that gets stuff done, does all the things and then you meet someone who says let me take care of this, let me take care of you.

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The One I Still Think About

June 2, 2025

dating, sex

Around the same sort of time I started a 14 month relationship with someone very special to me (I haven’t yet talked about him on this blog!) I started messaging with this one person. We got on really well, had some great conversations. After about six weeks of fairly intense conversations, we decided to meet up. Only he had to cancel last minute. And we rescheduled for the next day …and he was a no show.

It was with a lot of regret that I ended up blocking him on Whatsapp and unmatching with him on Tinder. Because standing me up? Not cool. Fast forward about 18 months and I’ve joined this other site. And in the first week of me joining, I get a message from him. I’m using a different location, a different name, different pictures he’s never seen and …he recognises me from just my lips.

His message where he writes to me fairly confident that he’s got the right person almost two years after we last messaged last just made me laugh so much that I gave him another chance. His reason for standing me up made sense for who he was and he was very contrite. It felt quite easy to pick up where we had left off.

And we started going for walks. Every time I met him I felt like I just constantly smiled and laughed. I remember once we were having a conversation about science fiction and I like, danced around in excitement because he’d said something that I’d long thought but I’d never heard anyone else say. And I think that was the thing with him. Everything just felt so easy and comfortable. And I pretty much thought despite that we’d connected on Tinder initially and on another sex site that everything was platonic between us. Just two people who enjoy each other’s company and have some shared interests.

It was on our second walk when he started giving me this look like ‘aren’t you adorable?’ as I was babbling about something. When I stopped and said ‘what?’ He leaned in and then sort of stopped like, if you don’t want to be kissed you should say or pull away. So of course I start spilling words out – What are we doing? I didn’t think we were kissing friends? Are we really doing this? And he smiled, and said ‘Let’s see how it goes’ and leaned in for the sweetest, softest kiss ever. And I hadn’t expected there to be such electricity between us.

I have eyes, so I obviously knew he was very good looking. His dark hair in this almost messy wave, with really big brown eyes. A very expressive, open face. But I was seeing it in a brand new light after he kissed me. And I pretty much got in my car after that and drove off in a bit of a daze. Because of the reciprosexual thing, I hadn’t ever considered any sort of possibility of anything more with him. Until that kiss.

When I got home though? I thought about it. A lot. I think a lot about anyone that so easily makes me happy. So we arranged for plans again soon. Another walk in a pretty place halfway between where we both lived. And …it was pretty much like the other walks, we walked and as we did we talked about my dog, or the food he liked to cook, about holidays we’d been on before, more book talk. And I almost forgot that we’d had that one great kiss the last time we’d seen each other.

One of the things that we did talk about was about our friendship. He had said that as much as he loved kissing me and no matter how much he wanted to strip me out of my dress, one of the things he’d miss too much was if the sex stuff broke what we had as friends. That he really enjoyed talking about everything with me and he wanted that to continue. I agreed.

But we got back to our cars and it’s like the reminder that we both needed to leave spurred us into a very hot make out session. So hot that I had to pull him into the backseat of my car where we pawed at each other and kissed. And again, that’s where it ended. We both drove off and I went home to have more vaguely sexy thoughts about this sexy man and his soft hair and strong arms.

I was getting a bit frustrated by this pattern we were in so I went into planning mode. The next time we met, there would be more time. There would be some …satisfaction for all this sexual energy. And it happened. It felt pretty weird to lose some of our clothes. To have the opportunity to touch each other in places we hadn’t before. The sex was different than I’d expected. Varying at times between soft and gentle into this almost reckless abandon. But it felt like all of it fit with how we were.

I remember afterwards I said something like oh god, I hope I wasn’t too loud. And he said ‘shhh, you were perfect’ as he pulled me into his chest for a cuddle and we just stayed like that for ages as he stroked my back. There’s something so …necessary for me about that after sex cuddle and some reassurance. And he knew what I needed in that moment.

We met up another time after that for another walk and chat. But soon after that he went through a patch of difficulty in his life where he was signed off from work for an extended period of time. What he was going through was pretty rough and while I did send messages for awhile that said ‘I’m still here and I care about you’ in different ways, I’m not sure if he ever saw or read them. It’s been about a year and I never heard from him again.

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Sweet Beginnings

May 30, 2025

dating, sex

More than one person has said to me privately that a lot of my stories and blog posts end up on some rather sad or bittersweet endings (Difficult Choices, Electric Kisses, Crush and Burn to name a few!). Sometimes this is just unfortunate timing, bad luck. Sometimes it’s me making choices that aren’t good for me. But I wanted to reassure you today that it isn’t all bittersweet for me! Things do work out. And they work out for me. So today is more about a sweet beginning.

I have this person in my life, I think one of the first things he said to me in a message was that he was interested in me, but if there isn’t attraction, he’s at least fun and interesting company. And he so is. That’s such a him thing to say too. I love spending time with him. Not only is he very funny but he’s got a beautiful face, really quick to smile and laugh. But I think the thing I like about him most is how he makes me feel. Which is safe, accepted. I can be anxious and weird around him, I can be morose and thoughtful, I can be loud and dramatic. All the different parts of me, and it feels okay.

And I’ve met him several times now. The first time we hung out over drinks, talking and laughing. And other times we’ve hung out together naked in bed but still with the talking and laughing. He does this thing, and he’s done it all of the times we’ve met so far – which is saying something about me, for sure, but I bring it up as a thing I’m pointing out about him – where whenever we’re crossing the street together he stops me before I just casually step into oncoming traffic. It’s such a small thing but I love it when he does it. I’ll be babbling about something when we’re outside and he’ll be like, hey, I’m looking out for you. I like it.

We have things in common. Being non-monogamous, having an interest in the world and specifically an interest in the experience of marginalised people. Having complicated families and relationships. An interest in poetry. In getting to the heart of things. Sometimes it feels like ‘Yes, you get it!’ at the same time as utter bafflement when one of us has to explain something (obvious) to the other that we don’t get because of all of our differences too. But I think that makes it more fun and interesting.

Sex with him is good. But I think sex with him is good because of all the other stuff I’ve mentioned. The care he shows me, the things we have in common, the comfort I feel to be myself around him, that he makes me laugh. There’s such sexiness when it comes with knowing how you feel about a person, knowing how they feel about you. There’s a sexiness about having a friendship that’s big enough to encompass sexy times and for it to just enhance your friendship more than anything else.

And there’s a sexiness about someone who just makes me smile. I’m currently making plans to see him again…

Updated to add: Wrote this too soon. Bittersweet it is.

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Getting Over Him

May 29, 2025

poetry, relationships

I think of you often

In those hazy moments between awake and dreaming

When the memories of you

settle on my eyelashes.

And it’s enough

The thought of you

And what we were once to each other.

I sometimes wonder if I should write to you

If my words should jump into this space between us

knowing that the gulf between us

Was built by you and me

Deliberately,

Knowingly.

And while every inch of me

Wants to crawl across every one of those miles and see the view from the other side of this valley

Instead I look into the distance

Take a deep breath

And smile through my tears

At the beauty of the sunrise.

I spend minutes and weeks picking up different words,

Turning these words in my hands

Agonising over the weight and feel of them

If I spoke these words,

Would they find you again?

Would you be happy to hear them?

You once said to me ‘who am I, really, in the grand scheme of things? to make you feel this way?’

And I didn’t see it then, but I see it now

You’re gone and yet you’re also still with me

And I’m left wondering if any of my words now, right or not,

Could ever make their way to you

And find that place again

That I used to occupy

But which no longer exists

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Exploring Fantasies

May 28, 2025

sex

I’ve written before about a man that had an enormous impact on my life (and also a fantasy that he inspired!) But there were also other things that he helped me realise. It was through him that I first had an interest in writing poetry again and he also helped me unravel parts of myself I hadn’t known by exploring our fantasies together.

That’s pretty much how it started. We had been talking for quite some time before things turned sexual between us. And when it did, he always had questions. What do I like? What makes me feel good? What would I do if I had the chance to explore sex more? And I don’t think I always had the answers for a lot of his questions. Not then, anyway. So we talked about it more.

Once, he asked me outright to tell him a fantasy I’d had. And at this time I was firmly of the belief that I’m heavily submissive (more on this later!) and I described to him this fantasy I had about being tied up in bed and being teased and then fucked. It felt only slightly mortifying to describe this fantasy in detail to him but he took it in his stride. Asking questions, trying to probe what I’d prefer in different parts of my fantasy – this or that? to really flesh out my fantasy. I could tell, and he probably told me at the time, that this wasn’t a scenario that appealed to him but that didn’t matter. It was about me and what I wanted to explore so he walked me through my description and was really with me on it.

Afterwards, I felt relief. Both because some of my embarrassment had ended but also because I’d been able to put into words something that I’d only ever thought of before this. It felt like a release. And because I thought it had been such a great experience for me to talk about my innermost desires, I asked him to do the same. To tell me a fantasy of his in great detail. When he said his fantasy was a threesome with two women I distinctly remember my eyes nearly rolling out of my head and I probably typed at him that he’s such a cliche. But in a lighthearted, we feel really comfortable with each other way.

But of course because he’d been so patient and great and walking me through my fantasy I decided to do the same with him. I started asking questions about what appeals about it, what makes it a fantasy for him, what it would look like to me. But he wasn’t satisfied with him making all the decisions on this fantasy.

He said that I’d be one of the women in this fantasy so why don’t I think of what the other woman would be like? So, reluctantly, I closed my eyes and thought of the sexiest woman I could think of …and in that same second a picture fully formed appeared in my head, and it was of my best friend. Her with her dark hair, big blue eyes, large boobs, the sound of her laughing, the voice notes she sends me that I love so much. And I knew in that instant that I was completely, utterly attracted to her in both a sexual and romantic way.

And it changed everything for me. I had lived over 30 years without realising how into women I am. When I looked back on my life all the signs pointed in that direction. My first sexual experience was with another girl. My confusing thoughts about women’s bodies. The intense friendships I had with other girls growing up where I ended up acting like a jealous girlfriend. Even the intensity of my relationship with my best friend already bordered on more than platonic.

After this massive realisation, I ended up telling my best friend how I felt about her. She admitted that her and her boyfriend had also fantasised about me joining them and she loved that this man and I thought about her. It may never be something that she and I end up exploring. But that’s okay. There’s more to our friendship than this. And it opened my eyes to this part of myself that I’ve enjoyed unravelling in small steps.

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Sexy Surprise

May 27, 2025

sex

He asked me to arrive at his hotel room by a certain time, get changed into lacy lingerie, get on the bed with my hands under the pillows (for some faux restraints) and with a pillowcase over my eyes for a makeshift blindfold.

He said he’d arrive at some point and that I was to wait for him. He’d enter without saying a word and he’d start giving the first of 100 kisses that I was to count. The 100th kiss would be on my lips and the blindfold could come off.

It ended up being the sexiest experience I’ve had in a long time.

I was nervous to begin with, but a kind of excited nervousness. I liked the instruction beforehand. I’ve never scripted what sex would look like in advance but I didn’t mind the visual, the build up of anticipation. I liked driving the 35 minutes to his hotel room knowing what was in store for me.

I had grabbed a favourite red lingerie set as I was leaving the house, something I knew I’d feel comfortable in. When I got to his hotel room, I walked in and could smell a lingering scent of his aftershave, he’d stripped the bed and laid the pillows and pillowcase out. I started to wonder if I’d passed him outside or in reception, where was he waiting? And thinking about that upped the thrill of it.

He’d asked me to text him when I was ready and where I’d like the first of his kisses. I wanted to write back ‘my inner thigh’ but I wasn’t brave enough for that and wrote back, ‘I’m ready, first kiss on my neck please’ and I waited. Thankfully he wasn’t a monster and didn’t leave me hanging too long. I heard him come in and put something down, and he circled the bed until he was one side of me. My breathing was so irregular at this point, a bit ragged from nerves and excitement.

I remember thinking on the drive over that I’m not sure how into the blindfold idea I was. I love looking and seeing other people. Their reactions, their movements. I thought …maybe I’ll just use the blindfold as an illusion and sneak glances anyway. But in the moment? I loved the blindfold. Even when I moved my head and the blindfold rode up or moved, I ended up closing my eyes until he adjusted it back. It felt sexier to me to not see him, to not know. Even to lean into the instructions given. But honestly, once things started happening, that was probably the last coherent thought I had.

He started off by running his fingers along my skin. Then he added an ice cube. Mixed in with soft kisses on my neck, my thighs. Circling my nipples with the ice cube was an intense experience but it all felt so good. The softness of his touch, his lips, together with the sting of the coldness of the ice cube. Once or twice he flicked the ice cube so that droplets of water would land on my lips and it was at those points that I realised that I’d been moaning, or doing little huffs of breathing when he’d moved away from a spot that felt good.

Everything he did made me want more. It was intoxicating. All the touching, light kisses on my skin, the blindfold, the idea of being restrained. All of it had built into my massive amount of need. He’d moved aside the fabric of my lingerie and had used his fingers on me, sliding his fingers into my mouth to lick off. I was glad when he moved one of the pillows ‘holding’ my arms down and guided my hand to his hard cock and I was happy to stroke him, but soon after he replaced his fingers inside me with his mouth and everything felt like too much and not enough at the same time.

The next thing I knew, he had moved the pillow again, and let my hand discover that he’d put a condom on and I felt a surge of gratitude at this kindness from him as well as excitement. I thought the blindfold would come off but he continued to adjust it over my eyes as he fucked me with my legs in different positions. When he raised my legs over his shoulders the feeling of him was deep inside me. Almost but not quite too deep and I remember tensing but his control was good and it felt incredible.

The first thing he said to me (maybe?) was to keep my eyes closed as he grabbed my hand and helped me off the bed, only to have my hands pressed against the wall, bent over a bit so that he could take me from behind. I could have opened my eyes but I was so in deep in this submissive space that I didn’t.

Not even when he told me to get on my knees in front of him. He tasted like the latex from the condom and he had his hands very gently on my head and in my hair. He whispered encouragement as I sucked him, clearly enjoying when I took him further into my mouth. I liked it. I liked him saying how well I was doing, that he saying it in such a low voice. I wanted to please him and kept going until tears were streaming down my face.

He said ‘good’ as he lightly stoked my cheek before guiding me again to the edge of the bed where I was told I could open my eyes finally. It was so different fucking him with my eyes open, with the ability to see him. The look of desire and pleasure as I rode him, my back arching and my head falling back in my own pleasure. I couldn’t take my eyes off him in every way he moved. Whether it was to reposition my legs or the way he thrusted into me. When he used his fingers on my clit again, my orgasm building he said ‘let go’ in this way that had me relaxing into it.

I loved the restriction of the faux restraints before but without them I could run my hands along his arms and back, holding him closer to me and hear his growls of pleasure in my ear, his hair falling into my face. When he finished, his final kiss was actually on my forehead. And I realised that I’d lost count at 32 kisses and I have no idea now if he ever managed to give me those 100 kisses or not. I don’t care. I had the best day ever, absolutely worn out from all the orgasms.

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What Men Say To Me

May 23, 2025

dating

I wanted this to be a new feature but after three days of collecting the things men say to me in their first messages online, I’ve decided this one post is all I can manage.

What the hell is demisexual and reciprosexual? There now needs to be a dictsexionary as it’s challenging working out all these sexual patterns.

You actually don’t drink? Not even wine?

Rude little bitch

Free?

I’m all right, hot lips. That’s right, that’s your new pet name. Because well, you have hot lips.

Morning honey what u up to xxxx

Hey, would you wanna fuck outside?

I can’t stop perving on you I could get used to you 😈

How’s it going love? You got much planned for this evening? Don’t like to offer money but looking for a meet tonight, if it would turn your fancy would be happy to pay you nicely x

Jesus Christ!! You look delicious

U look cute to be fair looking for a fwb sort of thing meet here and there drinks food good sex what ever u fancy and in any order u like

Green really suits you sexy

Staying in your area for the weekend if you want to meet

I’d love to watch you eat and play with my naughty lady We are arranging for her first meet next Friday I’d love to eat your arse while you’re tasting her soaking wet pussy then I’d ruin you both with this

Hit me up when you’ve dealt with the guaranteed inundated blokes you’ve got chasing you hun xx

Hi sexy how u doing? X

Do you mind playing with married men?

If you could choose to give or receive oral right now which would you choose?

Would you like a spoon and see where it goes from there 😈

Truth or dare 😉 x

Hey how’s you x

That sun really helps those panties get wet 😈

Wow how hot are you looking 😍

Hey, fancy mmf tonight?

Instead of that how about me making you squirt with my dildo until I’m licking you… As much as you can handle it

Hiya. I hope you’re in the mood for a bit of fun, are you? X

Hello..9in bbc looking for meet today

How to spend this sunny day? With my mouth and tongue in your holes?

Clearly we should FUCK!

Hows your weekend going so far, you been stirring up mischief or playing the angel?

You should be in lingerie being devoured by me

You could sit on my cock in my motorhome we could go and park up somewhere nice

Love you to Queen my face?

Hot

Looking sexy huni and very hot

Want to ride my face and cock outside somewhere risky?

Can I come and devour your pussy x

How do you feel about using restraints in the bedroom

Hey I’m currently wanking and close to cumming and would love to chat to you and for you to hear me…

Good morning, apologies if I’m to rude but would you wanna fuck?

Love to see your arsehole please

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Playlist

May 22, 2025

sex

Do you have a Getting it On playlist? Or whatever phrase that’s cooler than ‘getting it on’?

I never used to. But I created a playlist recently because I am obsessed with one particular song. Her voice, it gets to me. But then I started thinking there are particular songs that I’d probably add to such a list. More so because the songs remind me of times I’ve had sex as opposed to the songs that get me in the mood.

Video Games by Lana del Rey

This is the song I’m currently obsessed by. Her sultry voice does things to me. But especially the way she sings ‘It’s you, it’s you, it’s all for you’ that really speaks to the passion that I’ve had for people. Both currently and in the past. I feel like it’s a lyric that I relate to very strongly. And it’s just a sexy song. I heard you like the bad girls, honey is that true? is another favourite lyric.

I’m On Fire by Bruce Springsteen

This one is a weird one. Because in an erotic book I read years ago – that I loved, about a MF couple that live out his cuckolding fantasy by bringing in another man – the main female character says that this song gets her aroused immediately and it’s a trigger in the book that this new sexual adventure is about to start for them.

Tell me now, baby, is he good to you?
And can he do to you the things that I do?

But… I’ve had personal experience with this song. A recent hookup wanted to put on his own sexy playlist while we were having sex. Thankfully, I cannot recall any of the music played during the actual act. But in the comedown, I noticed that the song playing was a cover version of this song. Except the cover was not great. It sounded like a sanitised version, no grit to their voice. It was like they removed all the sexiness from the song and left the shell of a song in its place. I cringed listening to it and I definitely judged the hookup for having such a terrible song on his playlist.

Wicked Game by Chris Isaak

Wicked Game, the Chris Isaak version is objectively a very sexy song. I’ve loved it as long as I’ve known of it and I love his voice. There’s something in it. The lyrics, the music, the sound of his voice.

The world was on fire, and no one could save me but you
It’s strange what desire will make foolish people do

But I was in Manchester a few years ago visiting a friend for a supposed sexy weekend and he’d the room with his playlist still on and a cover version of Wicked Game came on … and I couldn’t wait for him to return (from the kitchen, getting us both a drink) and yelled into the hallway – ‘What IS this version of this song?!’ and when he came back he said he preferred his version, by Stone Sour, to the Chris Isaak version. And I did not know what to do with that information.

Blinding Lights by The Weeknd

You don’t even have to do too much
You can turn me on with just a touch, baby

I was fairly nervous having my first threesome (I still hope to tell you about that sometime) and I was sitting on their sofa and she suggested some music. She asked me if I had any preferences and when I said ‘no’ she put an album by The Weeknd on repeat.

…And I can’t tell you that I noticed any of the songs. The music. None of it. During that entire experience I was completely and utterly oblivious to anything going on that wasn’t her, to be honest.

It’s only after because when we were all finished, she asked me if I liked The Weeknd and I said ‘of course’ but I said it in a way like I’d have said ‘yes’ to anything because I was so in my own head at that point that very little was getting through to me. I needed to process.

But after that? After that day, whenever I come across anything by The Weeknd I do a little smile and think of how great it all was.

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