Baby, Can I Hold You

Shame

October 17, 2025

dating, life

Is it just me or are many things in my life fuelled by shame?!

I met a lovely man recently, we had a lovely time. The date was a walk in a local park. Partway through we did find a bench and natter away without the addition of the physical activity. But before we got to the sitting and talking we did the walking and talking.

And do you know much I was filled with shame when he was like, should we go this way or that way? And I’d choose the option that was less uphill? We did end up going up some of the hills in the bloody park and do you know what happened? I ended up feeling out of breath as I walked uphill and continued to chat.

Christ alive, that’s embarrassing. So, in the end, I felt like change was needed. The next day, which happened to be the start of a new month I decided was the day I got back into running.

I used to run quite a lot. During lockdown, I used to have a 5 day schedule for running to keep it interesting. Wednesday was my sprints day where I’d run 1 minute sprints as quickly as I could then walk. Sprint and walk. Fridays, for a bit of excitement, I’d run for longer and do a 10k. What an exciting life lockdown was for awhile, don’t you think?

But those days have been long gone. Aside from this new surge in running, I hadn’t run since things ended with my ex. I honestly felt like I just couldn’t face it. Part of that was because at the time I’d had designs to join the same running club he was part of. I thought it’d be fun to do something together. And then I thought can I even do this on my own again and enjoy it in the same way?

And that feeling led me to me being so unfit that I couldn’t even walk up a mildly steep hill without wanting to pant at the top of it. How did I get to this point in my life?

I am enjoying running again though. I’m hoping to add in some strength training so I have more definition in my body too. But I’m definitely doing this for the most part because I love that I’m setting time aside for myself. I remember telling my therapist years ago that I loved our sessions because it was a defined time in my life, in my week where I am the priority. And when I put my running shoes on I get that same sort of feeling.

I’m also hopefully getting stronger and fitter and with a better ability to chat for ages. Because good lord, once you get me going, I could talk forever.

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We Walked, We Talked, We Laughed

October 16, 2025

dating

I went on a date the other day. It was on a day that I was in the office and he’d chosen a location to meet that was on my way home from work and I honestly loved that. I don’t mind going out of my way to meet someone but I love that he put thought into this.

I got there a few minutes earlier than him but when he pulled up to park his car next to me the first thing he asked was ‘was the parking okay?’ and again, it just felt really nice. I’d said that parking is something I stress about but even in the excitement and awkwardness of meeting someone new it was the first thing on his mind.

When he got out of his car, I noticed he was wearing colourful, stripy socks. I kind of knew at that point that we’d have a good time.

And we did. He’s lovely. We walked, we talked, we laughed.

It probably wasn’t like my usual date. I don’t mean the walking or talking. I mean more the content of the talking. He was very open about a lot of things. His family, his situation, he told me a lot of things about his unusual childhood, he showed me photos of his children.

I think it’s so easy in this day and age to be really closed off to other people, to be distrustful, to hold your cards a little closer to your chest especially about your kids’ names or whatever. I can’t tell if it’s the right thing to do to be reserved or if we should be more open. I know that I fall more into one side of the camp than the other so it did feel a little like being in unknown territory with him.

He did this thing and I didn’t know how I felt about it at the time. But in the days before we’d met he’d gone on a trip with his friends to do this cool thing. He had said that when we met up he’d show me photos of the cool thing but I thought it was one of those things that people said.

But no, I asked him about his trip and he pulled out his phone, opened his photos app, scrolled to the last image and handed me his phone. You can scroll through if you want, he said. And so I did.

He’d shared one or two of the photos with me already. One of him smiling on a beach that I loved. But the others were more candid. And included his friends. As I was scrolling through his phone I was really hit with this feeling like, how are there people like this? Just so open to share these parts of their lives with a near stranger like me?

Am I just really distrustful and cynical? I don’t want to be that person. But I fear I am. Or maybe it’s just that he could tell that I’m harmless? That I wouldn’t abuse the trust he’d given me by sharing the personal parts of his life with me? I hope that’s the case.

In any case, I had a lovely time.

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Being Kind to Myself

October 15, 2025

relationships

I had such a great conversation with my ex the other day. I don’t remember how it started but fairly soon into it I’d written an entire essay at him. He’s probably used to that by now. He used to ask me a fairly inoffensive ‘how are you?’ some days and instead of I’m okay/I’m fine I’d launch into a detailed account of every thought I’ve had over the last 9 hours including some existential crises and every single twist and turn to my thoughts helped towards my answer. And in doing so answering one simple question would end up taking 6 hours. He’s the only person I do this with. Or did. Did, I guess is probably more accurate.

Though it happened the other day and it was lovely.

I’d sent over my essay of all the different aspects of whatever it was we were talking about. And he did this thing that I fucking love. He pulled out one thing that I’d said and asked if we could go over this point first. Tell me about this, he said.

And my response was immediate – all the love and affection I still and will always feel towards him just swelled up inside me.

Oh I missed this, I told him. You questioning my word choice to find out if I’m being kind to myself.

I’ve never met anyone before or since who is so consistent about wanting me to be kind to myself. In my thoughts, in my actions, in what I say about myself.

Did I tell you that when I sent him the link to the blog he asked if I could amend my tagline to read ‘A woman in her 40s, newly single, trying to navigate sex, dating and relationships’ instead of what I had originally written which was ‘Just a woman in her 40s, newly single, trying to navigate sex, dating and relationships’ It’s one word but it changes the tone of my tagline in an important way. When he gave me that suggestion it made me smile in the same way as my conversation with him the other day.

He’s a very complimentary sort of person, and god, he gave me so much reassurance when we were together that I needed and my confidence in myself and my self esteem has skyrocketed from so many things but mostly because of how he is with me. I love the big things, the showy-ness that can happen in relationships. But it’s the little things that get to me.

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Linger by The Cranberries

October 14, 2025

relationships

I didn’t intend for this to be a series of posts but I was out on a dog walk this morning and I heard Linger by The Cranberries. This is one of my favourite songs since the moment it was released. I love the combination of the music and the vocals of Dolores O’Riordan. It feels hauntingly beautiful. I’ve been a big fan of The Cranberries just generally since I was a teenager and this song has been a constant on my playlist ever since.

But for me, it also has a bit of a personal connection. I’ve thought of the song twice after relationships have ended and somewhat coincidentally they both ended within a couple of months of each other and the song has has left me feeling little pangs of emotion about how both those ended.

The first, was very much a distance thing. We met online, we’d talk on the phone, we’d video call. There would be some fantasy discussions of how we might end up together at some point in the (fictional) future. But there was never any actual plans to even meet up and neither of us were actually serious about any of those plans.

He treated me badly. He’d be inconsistent in his communication, it would play on my insecurities, my insecurities would cause him to get annoyed and he’d take it out on me by saying mean things to me and cutting off contact. A week or a month later, whatever, he’d come crawling back and like the very insecure, lacking in confidence person I was back then, I’d take him back. I wish I hadn’t now but past me had to go what she had to go through to grow and learn.

But I didn’t learn things straight away.

At the same time as this terrible relationship was ending I had been friends with someone online that lived in Manchester. I’ve mentioned him on this blog briefly. We had things in common, he made me laugh, I liked his accent.

He had a stressful job, worries in his family life, and money issues. And he used all of that as reasons why he wasn’t nicer to me. He definitely made me feel like I wasn’t enough and things would often swing wildly between highs and lows. Eventually, way later than I should have and after a disastrous ‘sexy weekend’ with him where no sex happened, I blocked him.

When I listen to Linger, I think of both of these men. They both burned out quickly and I’m sure that at the time I thought that it was them that was dragging out our relationship, letting it all linger. But I realise now it was me. I wasn’t sure that I deserved anymore than the precious little I got from either man and for that reason I held on.

You know I’m such a fool for you, you got me wrapped around your finger

Do you have to let it linger? do you have to, do you have to, do you have to let it linger?

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Anonymous Confessions vol. 4

October 13, 2025

dating

Would you just ask to meet me already? Stop hinting around it and just tell me a date and time. I’ll say yes.

I find meeting people really hard. Especially lately. I’ve found it to be exhausting and the amount of effort I’d been putting into building connection with others only to meet and for there to be no chemistry or for them to have lied to me about things. Maybe we meet and communication styles changed afterwards. It all leads to disappointment.

So I’ve been struggling lately. I’ve been struggling to maintain enthusiasm to keep meeting people. It’s been hard to motivate myself to keep going with people, when the vast majority of the time it leads nowhere or it crashes and burns spectacularly. I don’t feel I have the energy to keep at it. And I’ve been in this slump for awhile lately.

Which is why things with him have been so lovely.

We’ve only messaged and not for a very long time either. At the time of writing, it’s only been maybe two weeks. But I would say after the first 2-3 days of having messaged him I’d have said ‘yes’ if he’d asked to see me. But he’s not asked yet. And that’s been frustrating.

I know I could have done more to be more straightforward with him about my interest but if I’m honest, I probably don’t have a lot of availability lately. I’m busy. And worse, I’m tired. From work, and family things and I started a new course that has knocked me on my ass.

But during how fucking tedious life stuff has been, I’ve been enjoying my messages with this man. They’re about stuff. About work or films or about parenting or the podcasts I’m listening to. He seems to get my sense of humour which is a good first step. And he makes me smile.

I don’t want to get my hopes up too much because we haven’t met yet. But I am quietly hopeful about this one.

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Sexual Exploration

October 10, 2025

sex

When my marriage fell apart one of the things I really wanted to do was to have new experiences. Whether that was meeting new people, trying new things, or specifically to try new sexual things.

When I met my ex, we each had our own lists of sexual things that we wanted to explore. The items on the list varied and it was more about calling into mind certain things we’d always been curious about as opposed to a ticking off list for the sake of it. I quite enjoyed when he’d use his own initiative to explore a little into areas that I hadn’t even considered.

I haven’t really considered sexual exploration much until recently. I always felt like it mattered more who I was with and the things we wanted to do together. But lately I have realised that there are things I’d like to try or explore. Things that I’ve been curious about and once the idea is in my head I’ve started to think …what will that be like?

I do have a preference for who I’d like to try these things with but I feel like I have to be a realist about it all.

First up, though is a MFM threesome. I can honestly say the idea of it held no appeal to me for years and years. I’m the type of bisexual where if my dream man and my dream woman were standing in front of me, I’d always choose the woman. Since realising my interest in women I think I’ve always known that as much as I love sex and sex with men, I have a preference for women. So it came as somewhat of a shock that the idea of being with two men started creeping into my head.

Having given it more thought, I think this one is about attention. I’m not getting the level of attention that I want and somehow in my brain that has translated into double your chances of getting what you want by doubling the sexual partners in front of you. Who am I to argue?

Next up. For a bit of context, I was in a group chat with a MF couple where the man had a very large penis and she was a bit hesitant about doing anal with him. And eventually she did and she loved it. This isn’t the only reason that anal is on my Sexual Exploration list but it has contributed to it. Anal had been on my list before with my ex but we never got around to it. I had bought an anal douche and everything (it’s still in its box nearly two years later!)

I’ve had anal before exactly twice. The first time, which was a ‘neither one of us are really into this idea but why not find out what it’s like’ sort of thing was not appealing to me at all. The second time I did enjoy but I can’t work out now if I enjoy it because of the act itself or because of the context of how it happened? And I’d like to know definitively.

The third and final act that I have on my list is another that is leftover from my time with my ex. He and I went to a couple of clubs and we did engage in sexual activity in public (and some activity in private that was quite obvious to those nears us!) but I’m not entirely sure what feelings I get about people watching me. I know I like being watched in a one on one setting but I still want to know if it gets me hot to do things in full view of consenting others. I don’t know where I fall with that one. And again, I would like to know.

Do you have anything on your list you’ve been dying to try?

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Sing For You by Tracy Chapman

October 9, 2025

relationships

I listened to Sing For You by Tracy Chapman tonight. It’s one of my favourite songs but it’s a favourite song for a reason.

I’d heard it a bunch of times before. I’d even scribbled one of the lyrics in a notebook I used to carry around – ‘forget the chorus, you’re the bridge‘ and I only ever write down lyrics when they really get under my skin.

I remember there was a time I used to sing for you

When things ended with my ex, we were pretty bad at letting each other go. I created a playlist on Spotify that I shared with him and it ended up being a playlist of songs that made one of us think of the other (we’d already broken up!).

I’d added songs that made me think of him. But he added Sing For You to the playlist. And I remember listening to the song as though listening to it for the first time after he added it. And it kind of was my first time listening to it, listening to it in the context of a relationship ending. And him thinking of me.

I remember crying listening to it that time, thinking of him as he sang to me. It still makes me feel emotional listening to it. And that wave of emotion hit me tonight. There’s such intimacy in singing for someone else.

It’s such a simple, lovely song. It feels so sad. Maybe not sad, maybe bittersweet is the right word. That remembering of a tender moment between people that have probably shared so much together. And it’s now gone. That longing for a time where things could go back to what they were. It feels quite fitting.

There’s nothing I wouldn’t give for one more time when I can sing for you

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A Lovely Time Was Had

October 8, 2025

dating

He asked to meet in a pub halfway between where I lived and where he lived. Later he asked me how long it took me to get there and we both said it had taken us the exact length of time to drive there. It really was right in the middle.

The pub itself was fairly fancy. Like, fancier than I’d normally have gone to. But it was cute. When he arrived he sat opposite and as soon as he sat down he had me in peals of laughter. I thought later I hope he doesn’t think I’m laughing at him but this thing that happened really tickled me and I got a fit of the giggles.

What followed was hours and hours of great conversation, more laughs. This had been the third time I’d seen him socially though the first time I’d met him one-on-one and I realised that I didn’t know much about him. I didn’t know what he did for work or what his hobbies and interests were. I knew he was kind and very genuine from our previous interactions. Attentive.

And those things came out over drinks that day. I don’t know how or when I developed such a thing for kind, caring men but I do. I get a surge of emotion when someone else looks out for me, physically or emotionally. I can’t even give an example of it in our conversation but it felt like time after time he would say or do something that made me feel looked after. Safe.

Plus I just liked looking at his face for several hours. He had an easy smile, an interest in me, a way of looking that made me realise his entire focus was on me during the time we were together. And that’s a nice feeling, to have someone’s full attention.

Later, we gave up our table and ended up on a sofa near the bar with another drink and instead of being opposite, we sat next to each other, one or both of us shrinking the distance between us just that little bit until we were pressed thigh to thigh and shoulder to shoulder.

It was probably because of this that conversation turned to more intimate things. I’d met him on two previous occasions where he had the company of two different women and I enjoyed listening to how non-monogamy worked for him. It was reassuring to hear how he talked about women, about how he described his relationship with non-monogamy.

We talked about me being both demisexual and reciprosexual. Some of my own experiences and challenges with rejection. He was very honest in saying that he struggles with rejection and that it can be hard to be as straightforward as I need someone else to be when it comes to knowing if I had any kind of sexual attraction towards him. But he did it in the end, bless him. I think some part of my brain understood the physical contact between us as at least a hint towards his interest in me. But it’s still nice to hear it. There is perhaps something that he said that I’m still pondering, it’s still tumbling around in my head and I don’t know what to make of it. But when he did say the words, I did think I could probably see it.

We’d both been away for a lot longer than expected so we managed to go out the staff exit which was nearer to our cars and had a bit of a kiss saying goodbye. And it was lovely. He’s a lovely man.

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What Do I Want?

October 7, 2025

sex

I’ve been thinking about you all day. I like closing my eyes and trying to recall all the details of you. I’ve done this a few times before because we don’t see each other that often.

I start at the top, imagine what your hair looks like. Shorter the last time I saw you from the times before. Your eyes, the way your mouth looks like when you smile, the way it looks as you’re close to climax…

No, that’s skipping ahead.

I try to think about what your neck looks like, your shoulders. I try to cast my memories back to naked cuddles after sex for this and I think I do a pretty good job. I think of the hair on your chest. I wonder if I remember what your chest looks like from you being over me during sex or if I’m recalling pictures I’ve seen of you? I’m hoping it’s the former but I’m not ruling out the latter.

I’ve got a pretty good idea that my mental image of your dick is fairly accurate. I think I’ve got your thighs down but everything below your knees is hazy. I don’t think your feet even exist in my brain.

Once your image is in my head I like to think of you very briefly in ways that you’ve maybe done but I’m not 100% sure. I’ve thought of you standing naked at the corner of my bed stroking yourself as you look at my naked body on the bed. I like this thought a lot.

It’s at about this time that I take off my leggings and underwear. Turn on the vibration right at the tip of my toy and use just the tip to rub against my clit.

I can’t hold images in my head for long of things that might not have happened. So from then on I think of my actual memories of you. But the memories come at different times. The first time you unzipped yourself in front of me and I thought ‘oh fuck me’ at your size.

And as soon as I think this I slide the toy into me and turn on the g-spot vibration to see how that feels.

I think about the first time we properly kissed and it felt like I’d been struck by lightning. I think about the times you’ve made this groan of pleasure at how wet I am for you. Being pressed against a wall as you fingered me while I was wearing some scrap of lingerie. The feel of you inside of me. The look you give me as you’re fucking me.

I think about your voice? Have I ever told you how much I love your voice?

I think of it all the time. I think about the things you say to me all the time. If I weren’t so shy I’d ask you for a voice note. Doesn’t even have to be sexual, anything would do.

But the thing I think about this time is you asking me ‘what do you want?’

You asked me the last time and I found it difficult to answer. I didn’t know what I wanted then, just to feel good. But now with the clit vibration on my toy on, I can feel the build up, that almost orgasm feeling I get and I think about what I want.

I think about answers I’ve given to the question before. To be kissed, for your fingers on my clit while fucking me. To be held down. An answer I didn’t give out loud but only thought before was that I wanted you closer to me, I wanted to be pressed against you.

But it’s not what I want in this moment. I know that I’m staying fairly shallow in what I want with those answers and when I think about the question deeper, when I’m not distracted by your physical presence is when I can answer more honestly.

What do you want?

And it’s like my brain struggles to answer. I know what I want but it’s like I don’t want to admit it. Not even to myself. But the thoughts creep into my brain unbidden anyway.

It’s not even that I want you to use the words ‘good girl’ though I do think those specific words.

I know I want praise of some sort. It doesn’t have to be that.

But tell me something. Tell me I feel good. That you like fucking me.

Tell me that you miss me.

That you think of me when we’re not together.

Tell me you look at my lingerie pics and think of me when you pleasure yourself.

When I think ‘tell me I’m yours’ I start to cry.

My brain can’t process that one. So it chooses not to.

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Anonymous Confessions vol. 3

October 6, 2025

dating

I quite like you. But as you’ve never given any sort of indication that you’re into me it will continue to be one of those unrequited crushes on my side. That’s okay.

There’s someone that I interact with on the forums online that is cute and funny. He takes good pictures, he can respond in a lighthearted jokey way sometimes, he can answer using emotion and deep feelings other times. He comes across as someone quite lovely and decent and (even though I hate the word) genuine.

He’s also quite flirty. But I like that. I feel like I feel more comfortable around flirty people. I haven’t given that much thought until just this second but I think it’s true.

I met him a couple of months ago in a large social gathering. And he was just as cute and funny and lovely and decent in person too. I was slightly nervous in the group gathering and I remember after we’d said hello to each other and then moved apart to talk to others, occasionally I’d look up and see him looking at me and once he mouthed ‘are you okay?’ at me and I thought he’s very kind. I fucking love kindness in a man.

And maybe that’s it? That’s at the heart of things?

Because he hasn’t ever expressed a sexual interest in me, my crush isn’t sexual. I can’t imagine the two of us kissing or being naked. It’s not that for me.

I know from things he’s posted online that he can feel strong things about women and lately they haven’t really worked out for him. Maybe it’s just that I like him as a person and I’d like to see him happy?

Whatever it is, I don’t mind. I’m not over here burning up at the idea that my feelings for someone aren’t reciprocated. I’m not bent out of shape because I’m into him and he only answers my private messages every few weeks. It’s none of that. I’m really okay with how things are.

It feels nice sometimes to have a crush. To have some place to steer some big feelings towards and for it be fairly harmless, to go nowhere, for it to not mean that much. Just holding onto lovely, warm feelings about another person.

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