Baby, Can I Hold You

Anonymous Confessions vol. 3

October 6, 2025

dating

I quite like you. But as you’ve never given any sort of indication that you’re into me it will continue to be one of those unrequited crushes on my side. That’s okay.

There’s someone that I interact with on the forums online that is cute and funny. He takes good pictures, he can respond in a lighthearted jokey way sometimes, he can answer using emotion and deep feelings other times. He comes across as someone quite lovely and decent and (even though I hate the word) genuine.

He’s also quite flirty. But I like that. I feel like I feel more comfortable around flirty people. I haven’t given that much thought until just this second but I think it’s true.

I met him a couple of months ago in a large social gathering. And he was just as cute and funny and lovely and decent in person too. I was slightly nervous in the group gathering and I remember after we’d said hello to each other and then moved apart to talk to others, occasionally I’d look up and see him looking at me and once he mouthed ‘are you okay?’ at me and I thought he’s very kind. I fucking love kindness in a man.

And maybe that’s it? That’s at the heart of things?

Because he hasn’t ever expressed a sexual interest in me, my crush isn’t sexual. I can’t imagine the two of us kissing or being naked. It’s not that for me.

I know from things he’s posted online that he can feel strong things about women and lately they haven’t really worked out for him. Maybe it’s just that I like him as a person and I’d like to see him happy?

Whatever it is, I don’t mind. I’m not over here burning up at the idea that my feelings for someone aren’t reciprocated. I’m not bent out of shape because I’m into him and he only answers my private messages every few weeks. It’s none of that. I’m really okay with how things are.

It feels nice sometimes to have a crush. To have some place to steer some big feelings towards and for it be fairly harmless, to go nowhere, for it to not mean that much. Just holding onto lovely, warm feelings about another person.

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Recent Changes

October 3, 2025

sex

Have I mentioned that I have a ridiculously high sex drive? I don’t even think I have a high sex drive for a woman, I think it’s just high generally.

But I do have dips in my sex drive where I’m not that interested. This is usually tied in with my mood or stress at work or with family. But lately? I have realised that I had recently been in one of those dips without knowing it and I’ve crested over to the other side of it.

I’m horny all the time lately. It doesn’t make any sense to me. I’m going to the office more frequently (which makes me unhappy) and I’ve started a new course (which makes me constantly exhausted). It doesn’t feel like an optimal time for a surge in arousal.

And yet here we are.

I can sort of pinpoint some of the reasons for this surge. And they’re usually down to being aware of my emotions, being able to express those emotions to the relevant people and usually for a sense of emotional connection with others.

God, I get so aroused by emotional connection.

So, with that in mind, I’ve been masturbating more often lately. It’s not like it used to be. Before things ended with my ex, I’d masturbate daily. Usually twice daily. Sometimes three times. And I’d usually use my fingers and I’d go at it anytime I had a few minutes to myself, take the edge off a bit and then carry on with my day.

These days I need to make more of a meal of it. These days I’ll spend a lot more time thinking of past sexy experiences. Sometimes I’ll use the fact that I like dressing in lingerie and taking selfies in them helps. Occasionally I’ll watch (or listen) to porn. But what I’m looking for is walking down a path of arousal before I touch myself.

Then I get into bed and pull out my toys. I never orgasm on my own but I feel excited that I’m at a point again where my body feels electric again. From the possibility of pleasure. I’m hopeful.

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Body Insecurity

October 2, 2025

sex

I had a first message from a man the other day that just said ‘I really like your boobs, they’re so tidy and neat’ and I’ll tell you, after I read it I did immediately have a look at some of my pictures to see if ‘tidy and neat’ is a description I could agree with. On this one particular website I do have some quite revealing lingerie pictures and there are plenty of pictures of my boobs.

And I’m going to say ‘tidy and neat’ sums them up fairly well. It’s amusing to me, but also probably accurate.

It’s been interesting thinking about my body and how I feel about it lately. I feel like I grew up in a family and school situation where there was a war on against my body from all types of people. This is aside from growing up in a time where famous women were being targeted for being overweight who weren’t at all, they just weren’t stick thin.

So I feel like I’ve had an uphill battle to appreciate my body. I still remember the traumas of comments growing up. Someone slapping my thigh when I was in the car next to them and calling out my ‘thunder thighs.’ My dad telling me that all the women in our family ended up in wheelchairs when they’re older due to being overweight (as a thinly veiled hint that I was creeping up on what he felt was an acceptable weight for me).

Boys in school would tell me I’d be ‘almost’ pretty if not for my glasses, my freckles, my hair, my chubbiness.

Ex-lovers who would comment on how my boobs point outwards, that have mentioned the slight size difference. That have voiced their opinions on the size of my nipples, the size of my labia. The skin colour difference in intimate areas.

It felt normalised for awhile that other people could comment on women’s bodies. That nobody was exempt from this. I was told I had love handles, that I should work on my ‘hip dips’ that my ‘problem areas’ were my stomach, hips and thighs.

I don’t know how or when things started to change. I knew that when I started going on dates again after my separation I worried about my appearance. That I’m not pretty enough, that I’m not sexy enough. I worried about the size of my boobs and nipples, my thighs, my stomach. I worried that I wouldn’t be ‘enough’ for my sexual partners. And how sad is that?

After that, I transitioned into a phase where I thought I must look sexy because men are having sex with me. So if other people are attracted to my body then there must be something in that.

I remember having a conversation with my ex before we met? I don’t recall the timeline very well anymore but we talked about things we didn’t feel as confident about ourselves and when he and I did meet and we did end up being naked and having sex with each other that if he didn’t outright say something complimentary about the things I’d mentioned he’d lightly run his fingers over those areas, maybe even kiss them. To show me with actions and sometimes words that all those things I dislike about myself are things that he loved about me.

And somehow here I am. And I think my body is pretty great. It isn’t perfect. I have stretch marks on my ass and a scar that probably only I really notice in between and just below my breasts. My upper thighs rub against each other, I have a stomach, my hips look lumpy from certain angles. And now I don’t think ‘if he likes me, I must be all right.’

Now I think I look pretty great. And it’s my opinion and my thoughts on my own body that matter. Other people can like too, they have good taste. But that’s secondary to what I think about myself.

I take pictures now of my face, of my boobs in scraps of lingerie. I take pictures from different angles that show my belly, my hips, the size of my thighs, the expanse of my ass and it’s been a tough transition into one where I think ‘yes, this is my body and I love it’ but I do.

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Anonymous Confessions vol. 2

October 1, 2025

relationships

I had some feedback recently to say that my post Anonymous Confessions was a bit confusing.

The person giving me feedback read it and thought that the confessions were referring to the same person … when in fact it was about 6 different people.

So for that reason I’m going to try this again. Please consider this a short series of blog posts as I further explain my initial blog post!

We aren’t friends that talk or message all the time but I feel a deep kinship with you. You’re my people. And your encouragement and belief in me more than my own makes me feel bigger, braver. And I’m so grateful to you for that.

Starting with this confession. Do you ever just have that amazing, beautiful, incredibly wise friend who tells you just the right things at just the right times? Where she absolutely knows what needs to be said and says it in the most perfect, concise way without any bullshit. Knowing that we’re friends enough that I’ll take whatever life advice she gives me?

I hope you have a friend like this.

I wrote this confession for a friend of mine where, as mentioned, we might not see each other that often, we might not message each other regularly, but good lord is my life a better place for having her in it.

There’s no sexual undertones here which is a change from my ‘typical’ friendship. Instead we have one of those friendships where I hope that we challenge each other. Make each other think and feel in a different way. But at the same time share some laughs and bond over our similarities even if it’s our differences which makes our friendship work so much.

Again, it can’t be said enough, I’m enormously, ridiculously happy to have this type of friendship in my life.

I feel like sex, dating, relationships, life just generally can be so confusing. And there isn’t anything more valuable than a good friend to bounce things off, to share. To commiserate. To laugh with.

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First Impressions

September 30, 2025

dating

Have you ever met someone and your first impression of them is that you’re unlikely to get to a place where you’re attracted to them? And then something happens and you change your mind?

I met this guy over the summer. It was only briefly. We did have quite a short conversation at a party and I guess the reason that I figured I couldn’t be attracted to him is that he seemed incredibly energetic. Words were falling out of his mouth as though he couldn’t control them. He was complimentary but he almost took those comments over the line. Almost but not quite.

He messaged me after the party to apologise for his behaviour and to say that he isn’t normally like that, that he’d like to see me on my own sometime, would I be interested in meeting him for a coffee? I can’t remember if I outright said ‘no’ at the time – but that was essentially my answer. No. That first impression meant I couldn’t really see me and him as anything other than chaos. I feel like my vibe or tone or whatever you want to call is fairly relaxed, low-key. I’m not high energy and I don’t know what I’d do with someone who was bouncing off the walls.

But months later, I ran into him again. The circles we run in are small and incestuous so of course I ran into him again. And it was different. He was different.

And can you believe I have such a raging crush on this man now?

I knew he was cute beforehand. But the whole differing energy thing really put me off so much that I almost didn’t even see it. But I saw it the other night. He was composed, calm, relaxed. And in that state of calmness, he was charming, respectful.

He smiled at me. And when he was talking with me he’d lean closer to my ear, or he’d touch my arm in that way that touchy feely people do when they’re saying something important and want to use touch as another way of connecting. (I love those people)

He was with a woman friend and I actually just really loved how he was with her too. (We’re all ethically non monogamous so the fact that he was with her doesn’t mean much to any of us!) It was almost like I could see in the way he was with her how it could be if we were out in the evening somewhere and I don’t know. It seemed pretty nice.

I can’t tell at this point if I’m into him specifically or if I’m just into the idea of him. Do I want him to smile at me and pay attention when I’m speaking or do I want someone generally to do those things? How can one tell, really? Someone educate me. I need it.

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The Biggest ‘Why?’

September 29, 2025

life

Do you ever just learn something really monumental about yourself almost by accident?

Recently I went to a large social gathering of people at a sex club. The event itself was ‘vanilla’ in that everyone was normally clothed, there were ‘normal’ activities as ice breakers and the expectation was that there’d be no sexual activity during this thing. It was just happening in a sex club.

And I decided to go to it. I hadn’t really interrogated my own reason for wanting to go other than I don’t want to be put off going to these things because of my own fears and anxieties. I don’t love the idea of driving there, I don’t love the idea of parking there, I don’t love the idea of walking into the place on my own, I don’t love the idea of socialising with large groups of people.

And that last one was the one that I thought I was going to this event in order to ‘get better’ at. I don’t want to be intimidated by large groups of people, I don’t want to avoid them. I want to be better at socialising and meeting new people etc. Or at least that’s what I thought.

So I get to this place. I drive there just fine and as I’m driving there I think … I’m not in the least bit panicked about driving to this place. Huh. That’s interesting.

So I get there and there’s one spot left in the car park. So I reverse park into it and … I’m not in the least bit panicked about parking in this car park space. Huh. That’s interesting.

It’s like these things that I’m holding onto myself (that I have anxiety about driving new places and that I have anxiety about parking hold me back from doing things and going places) and they’re possibly not true.

So I get out of my car and I join the queue to get into this place. I meet a friend in the queue and we end up chatting to the people ahead of us in the queue and to the people behind us. I don’t have any problem engaging in conversation with either my friend or the 5-6 new people I’ve only just met.

I get into the club, I meet other people. I go up to a group of strangers (there were 5 of them?) and say to them without prompting ‘Hi, this is my first time at a social like this, can I join you?’ and it wasn’t scary. Almost like I don’t have a problem at all socialising with strangers. Or groups of people.

At some points during the evening the people that I do know or have met leave me to go to the bar or to speak to other people and I feel content to lean against the wall at the edge of the bar area. There are lots of people around me that I could have spoken to … and what I realised during the night is that I didn’t have any issues or concerns about approaching any of them. I just didn’t want to. I didn’t feel compelled to.

And it actually felt like a life-changing realisation. I was shedding so many outdated beliefs about myself that night. But the one about socialising? It felt big.

What I realised that night is that I’m not shy. I’m not reserved. I don’t have social anxiety. I can talk easily to people. I know that most people like me when they meet me. I don’t worry what other people think of me. I’m not overthinking things when I’m meeting new people.

The reason I don’t do well in large groups of people is that quite often I don’t have a big enough ‘why’ to approach other people and start conversation. There isn’t that ‘why’ that motivates me to change things enough. What I realised in the middle of this sex club is that I was quite happy to talk to the couple of people that I knew beforehand. I was happy to make the effort in socialising with others … but only when it suited me. Only when the ‘why’ to do so was greater than staying on my own.

And I fucking love my own company.

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Reasons For Writing

September 26, 2025

life

I recently had a really long think based on a conversation I was having with a friend. The think ended up being a justification almost for why I write this blog. And my response ended up covering several different reasons. I thought it was interesting enough that I’d write them out here too.

The first is that I love storytelling. I was raised by a single father with a big personality. Big everything, really. Big voice, big opinions. And one of the things that he did was that he turned everything into a story. It didn’t matter if it was a boring story about going to do the big food shop or retelling childhood stories everything was an adventure, there was something there. Something big or magical or hilarious, something. He turned everything into a good story.

And I grew up listening to his stories. Sure, I liked to read and I got hooked on the storytelling elements in books and films and songs. But my main interest in storytelling came from my dad. He knew how to spin a good yarn and at some point in my life I decided that I wanted to be a good storyteller too. Not in the same way, obviously. I don’t have the magnetic presence he did, I don’t have the skill in the same ways. But I feel like I do a good job telling a story my way.

And some of that is that I like the control in it. I like transforming an uneventful date into something entertaining by focusing on certain things, highlighting feelings, cutting out the boring middle parts. I’m choosing where the story starts and ends and where the focus is. I like making word choices, I like playing with structure, with the perspective. These are things I enjoy.

I also think that I’m on a journey here. And I write this blog almost to document the changes I’m making, to mark my own development when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. I feel like I’m always learning and changing but when you’re so close to things it can be hard to see the changes we’re making in small increments. And I don’t want to miss those changes. I write this blog to bear witness to me growing as as a person, as a person in relation to other people. And in the hopes that I am continually aiming for where I want to go or towards who I want to be. And maybe those things change along the way too but if they do, I’d like to document those changes as well.

But the third and final reason that I write this blog is to understand myself more by writing about some of my experiences. I can sometimes struggle to understand how I’m feeling about a person, or about a situation. And I need that time to really delve into those things, to examine them a little closer.

Sometimes the act of writing about meeting someone else, sometimes the act of writing about us having sex or whatever it is means that I’m sitting in that experience a little bit longer. And I’m spinning over what’s been said, what’s been done. And it’s helping me. I’m so clueless sometimes about things and I need that little bit of extra time to consider things. Especially with something so new.

As an example, I had sex with someone a few months ago and it took me a full month before I realised I felt uncomfortable with some of the things that had happened. I’m not suggesting there was a lack of consent or that I felt unsafe, but it took me writing a post about that experience to go over it again in my head to really know in myself that I didn’t feel comfortable in what had happened. It’s like there’s something stunted in me that it takes me a little bit longer to understand or to realise.

So those are my reasons. I’d love to know your reasons for reading this blog. For spending however much or little time reading my words and what it brings you. Whatever your reasons, I’m glad you’re here with me.

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Crying

September 23, 2025

sex

I actually really love it when he looks at my profile. It shows up in my notifications when he looks at it, I don’t know if he knows that. But it sends a little thrill through me every time he looks at my profile or likes the pictures I’ve uploaded. It’s been over a year and it still makes me feel that way.

Sometimes I’ll look at his profile too. But because of my settings I know he won’t get a notification that I’ve looked at his. I prefer this. But because I like balance I try to not look at his profile more than he looks at mine. It seems fair. Plus he took all his face pictures out of his private gallery and that removed part of my reason for looking.

Tonight though I clicked on his profile after I’d seen that he’d liked my latest picture.

And I started crying.

He’d changed his profile to state that he can accommodate whereas I’m pretty sure it used to be say that he cannot. I don’t know if this is a recent development but it made the tears fall straightaway. Maybe I’ve been feeling sensitive and a little bit off tonight and this whole week but it set me right off.

The idea that he could have changed this setting to appeal to other women.

The idea that he’s never once given me any indication that he’d ever invite me over.

That he might trust some other woman to have her in his space and not me.

The fact that he’s never invited me over.

Not once.

In a full fucking year.

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Anonymous Confessions

September 19, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I quite like you. But as you’ve never given any sort of indication that you’re into me it will continue to be one of those unrequited crushes on my side. That’s okay.

It absolutely thrills me to see your name pop up online. I like the way you think, the things you say. I feel like I’m the best version of myself with you and it makes me sad that there are things standing in the way of more.

You feel like an unanswered question. There was something there and then it got interrupted. And I don’t mind saying (anonymously) that I think about what it would be like to explore all those unspoken things, all those things we haven’t done together. That makes it sound like I’m daydreaming about us having deep philosophical conversations but don’t be mistaken. My mental image is one of naked bodies crashing against each other with mouths and tongues and fingers everywhere.

Would you just ask to meet me already? Stop hinting around it and just tell me a date and time. I’ll say yes.

For whatever reason, my heart has decided to hook itself to you. Most days I’m okay with it. You’re funny and smart and sexy as hell. You make me feel safe. You do things to my body and it all feels so good that I swear sometimes that I’m in love with you. Some days I believe that. I just wish it were easier to tell you how I’m feeling, what I need from you. To understand your reluctance to open up to me.

We aren’t friends that talk or message all the time but I feel a deep kinship with you. You’re my people. And your encouragement and belief in me more than my own makes me feel bigger, braver. And I’m so grateful to you for that.

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Please Yourself by Emma Reed Turrell

September 17, 2025

relationships

I read a book recently called Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live by Emma Reed Turrell.

I really recommend it. I think I need to read it again to fully grasp all the things mentioned, to really let some of the recommendations sink in. But even from the first read I was thinking ‘oh god, that’s me.’

What I found interesting is all the different ways I’ve used in the past to people please. The book is broken down into people-pleasing at work, in friendships, with families, during the holidays and within relationships. It really does just cover lots of eventualities and lots of different types of relationships whether that’s a professional relationship with your manager and creating healthy boundaries at work or whether that’s family who quite (in my experience) feel entitled to encroach on your boundaries.

I think the people-pleasing in relationships and friendships was the reason the book itself was appealing to me but the other sections were also helpful. I think a common sense approach means that this book isn’t ground-breaking, people are probably aware of their own people-pleasing tendencies but what helped me were the case studies, breaking down the reasons for people-pleasing and also the perspective from someone else dealing with your people-pleasing. It’s so easy to see from your own perspective that you’re trying to be easy-going, flexible, whatever you want to do, wherever you’d like to eat and how fucking annoying that can be.

I needed that. I need to be told those things and reading this book felt like an eye-opener on so many levels. I think I’ve gotten to a point now where I feel like I’m better at doing things, saying things that please myself and what I want or need. But I just needed the little nudge that this book gave me as to why I’ve been like this or how I can turn things around.

I feel like we can all improve things within ourselves and now and again it’s really needed to read something like Please Yourself. I’m certainly glad I read it.

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