Baby, Can I Hold You

Lay, Lady, Lay by Bob Dylan

January 5, 2026

relationships

Whatever colors you have
In your mind
I’ll show them to you
And you’ll see them shine

I watched A Complete Unknown during my Christmas break. And on the back of watching that film I went down a rabbit hole of listening to a lot of Bob Dylan’s songs. Like, a lot. It wasn’t the first time I’d listened to his music but I do think that it was one of the first times I probably appreciated it.

One song that stuck out for me was Lay, Lady, Lay. More than ten years ago when I was still in contact with the English teacher he mentioned this song to me. He said he was listening to music and when this song came on, he thought of me.

It was because of the lyrics I’ve posted above. Whatever colours you have in your mind. I’ve always been a fairly sensitive person. As a child I remember I used to be told off for it. For feeling things. For picking up on other people’s emotions. For seeing things. But I didn’t remember any of that.

Not until I met the English teacher. And there was something in his acceptance of me that meant that I could open myself up to that sensitivity again. When we would video call I could see what he said in different colours. When I was feeling things from our relationship I’d see things as little visual cartoons. I’d dream in more unusual ways.

I don’t remember everything that happened, but I do remember the feeling of being with him at the time. I felt …open. Creative. Artistic. And I was very much leaning into this wild, carefree, mad artist thing.

So those colours in your mind that Bob Dylan was singing about? They were actual colours that the English teacher was thinking about when he thought about me. And I’d forgotten that until I heard this song again. I forgot the person when I was with him. I feel like every relationship brings out or hides parts of ourselves. And I’m not that open, creative or artistic as I was with him. Not anymore. It’s not a sad thing, it’s just different parts of myself.

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Disorganised Attachment Style

January 2, 2026

relationships

I was on social media over Christmas and I happened to see a random post that the app thought might interest me. It was about disorganised attachment style.

I’ve read an entire book on attachment styles that I read in 2025. I’ve talked a lot with other people about attachment styles. I was pretty confident that I knew my own attachment style… until I saw this post on social media. I don’t even remember what it said, all I remember is that sharp, uncomfortable feeling of truth. I read it and I knew that it was describing me.

I thought I had an anxious attachment style. It makes sense, right? I want and yearn for close connection with others. I need reassurance, I get insecure when connection isn’t stable.

But … I also pull away from friends or lovers after I’ve shared something deeply personal with them. Even though he and I both knew that I did, I avoided telling my ex I loved him because the thought of saying it either out loud or in a message terrified me. I don’t think I’ve ever felt like I’ve truly been worthy of love. I think I look for signs early on when getting to know somebody that means rejection. My ex husband used to say that I had ‘dead eyes’ sometimes when I wouldn’t let him in on things. I was with him for decades and there were still things I never let him know about me.

Disorganised attachment style is a combination of both anxious and avoidant attachment styles. I want closeness and intimacy and reassurance … and I’m also terrified of what it means to be close to someone and question love even when I have it.

It’s not an easy fix with this one. I’m going to keep reading about it and practicing ways to work towards healthier connections with others. But I’m at least hoping that being more aware of what I’m doing and the reasons behind things will mean positive change. We’ll see.

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Hard Truths

December 31, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I was planning on making this another series of posts – writing in more detail about some of the things that have happened recently, things I find it hard to say or admit. But then I thought … why not start fresh in 2026?

So instead I’ll tell you the things that I’ve been holding back and maybe I’ll use them as resolutions for 2026? Let’s see how it goes.

I hate it when men try to make me squirt

It feels really obvious when men do this. And I’ve noticed a couple of men that I’ve had sex with in 2025 have a sort of glint in their eye and a sort of manic dedication in one particular area while we’ve been at it. And I’ve never said anything about it. But I should have. I really don’t like the feeling of squirting, it isn’t pleasurable to me, that they’re trying so hard at it just annoys me and it’s sort of off-putting as well. If it’s not for me or my pleasure then why all the hard work?

I should be better at communicating sex preferences and my own wants and needs in 2026.

I lost friends over a conversation about race

And I’m really fucking annoyed about it. It’s been bugging me that I haven’t written anything about it since it happened. But I am annoyed. These friends and I were at the party where my black friend was sexually harassed and fetishised about being black. And after the party, I mentioned it to these friends of mine. Friends who I’d had numerous conversations about how weird and gross other people are about bodies and about race and ethnicity check lists and so on.

I honestly thought they’d get it. Instead, I assume because of some uncomfortable truths that they would rather avoid, they left the group chat, we’ve never spoken again and are no longer friends. I’m still annoyed.

I need better friends in 2026.

I’m not as okay about the hurt and disappointments as I make out I am

I constantly feel like giving up. With sex, with dating, with relationships. It all feels so hard. Tedious, demoralising. This life brings so many big and small rejections. It’s hard sometimes to hold myself together to be mentally strong enough to keep soldiering on through hurt and disappointment.

It’s hard for me to hold onto an idea that I’ll find what I’m looking for. And it’s hard to do that while holding onto an idea that I deserve those things.

I’ll keep working at it.

I feel like at times I’ve been a pick-me girl

You know the scene in Grey’s Anatomy? ‘Pick me, choose me, love me‘ but it’s not just wanting those things. It’s also about wanting male validation at the cost of other women.

And I don’t want to be that girl. I have been that girl. Especially in those times where I’ve been seeing someone who also sees other people and in my thoughts I’ve been unkind or ungenerous about other women especially when I’ve felt overlooked or not chosen. But that stops now.

I need to find a way to get the attention and validation that I need but not at the cost of other women, even if that cost only happened in my thoughts.

I’m not that girl.

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Dating Disappointments vol. 3

December 30, 2025

dating

This man messaged me awhile back. Definitely my type. By that I mean that he seemed smitten with me right from the start. He was fully engaged with what I’d written on my profile. I think he liked the pictures. He was hanging onto every snippet of information that I was dropping about myself.

My dog. My Masters equivalent course. That I hate work at the moment. That I write this blog. I love it when people find me interesting. Fascinating. I like the attention.

He wanted to know what type of books I like to read, he wanted to know about my favourite film I’d seen at the cinema, what my favourite thing to do to relax in the evenings. He’d write messages assuming that we’d meet up soon.

I told him (and after I said it, I knew that I shouldn’t have!) that I thought I was at least 40% less attractive than my pictures would indicate. This is something I’ve said or written multiple times to many different people. I know I shouldn’t say or think ungenerous things about myself but I justify it to myself and to others by saying I’m trying to manage other people’s expectations.

I sent him a picture I’d taken that second with no filter. And I said ‘this is me, I look exhausted because I am exhausted’ and he wrote back compliments and that he knew I’d look good because I sounded attractive in my messages. In the way I thought and in the way I am. And I liked hearing that.

He ended up being a dating disappointment because I told him that I was preoccupied with writing an assignment for my course and he responded to say that he’d think of a ‘reward’ for me to get through it. What sort of reward? I asked. He said for every 500 words he’d tell me in great detail what sort of sexual things we’d do together when we finally did meet.

I could have been less straight forward in what I said to him. I know I could have. But I don’t always think of that and if I’m honest, we’d already had our conversation about me being reciprosexual. I didn’t think I was being harsh by reiterating that I don’t experience sexual attraction to others until we meet up in person. Online expressions of interest don’t hold much weight. So, I said, I’d love to read what you come up with as a reward. I think it’d be interesting. And something to consider after we meet up.

And he never responded to that message. I should be more used to people finding my sexuality a chore.

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2025 Sex Statistics

December 29, 2025

sex

I love a good wrap up. Spotify’s Wrapped Up is one of my favourite things ever. But I also look forward to my Year in Books from Goodreads. And one year my ex got his Sainsbury’s year in review and it said he was the number one buyer of chilli mackerel tins in the town we live in and I swear to god, years later and I still find that hilarious.

There’s something about looking back on the year, reflecting on the good, the bad, and how it can all be improved that means a lot to me. I’m a list girl. I like coming up with plans, having goals to work towards. I like knowing that things are changing, that I’m changing. And I like looking back before I look forward.

So, in the spirit of that reflection, in 2025 I had sex just 11 times. With 7 different partners.

It was kind of hard to write that. I tried on several occasions to bring up these statistics with a couple of friends and I found that I couldn’t do it. Not so much about the number of times I had sex (though the number felt low but reasonable – on average almost once a month) but with the number of partners. I don’t feel ashamed of myself, but more disappointed in the way things have gone with sexual partners in 2025.

I know that what will make me happier would be to have one or two regular people where we build on what we have. And I have that and I don’t. There were only two people that I had sex with more than once in 2025. The other 5 ended up being one time things. But when I think of who they were I know that the intention was never one time things with any of them. I know what happened, I know the context of each of them. And yet I’m still disappointed in myself.

Like, there’s something wrong with me that made things not work out.

I don’t have any stats to back up how many people I met in 2025. I think that would probably make me sad. So I won’t be keeping track of that in 2026 either.

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I Remember

December 16, 2025

relationships

A few months ago my ex husband and I were driving somewhere. We’d left early in the morning, we were expected to be on the road for some time. He pulls into a cafe of some sort and asks what I’d like. A muffin, I said. I didn’t think I needed to specify more than that. When he comes back to the car he hands me a bag and says ‘I got you a blueberry muffin’ and I just turned to look at him with a question in my expression? ‘What?’ he said. ‘You like blueberries, right?’

Another time he messaged to say he was going to stop by Tortilla for burritos, for me to send him my order. I did and when he got home later he said ‘sorry they didn’t have the protein you’d asked for and I couldn’t get hold of you so I had to choose for you – I got you chicken.’

I randomly came across this page on Instagram where the entire content of the page are interviews with random people and they share their thoughts on love. It’s really cute and I’ve now followed the page for more.

And that’s mostly because the first post that I did see was about a woman who said ”I’m remember’ is more romantic than ‘I love you” and I really couldn’t agree more. The idea that love is just the first step and that seeing, remembering, noticing those little things about your partner is love in action.

I’ve written before about what a turn on it is for people to see me or pay me attention. It’s my biggest thing. And I think this whole ‘I remember’ thing plays such a huge part in that. I think the two stories above are ways in which I’ve felt unseen or ways in which even though someone (my ex husband) is adamant that love has always been there and it comes through in everything they do … it doesn’t mean much in other ways. At least not to me.

Maybe I’m being unfair. I probably am. We’ve been separated for five years, my ex husband could be completely disengaged at this point and he doesn’t care one little bit that I haven’t had a blueberry muffin in 20 years. Or that I’d never actively choose chicken for my burrito if there are other options.

Either way, I still think I remember is way more meaningful than ‘I love you’

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Shattered Possibility

December 15, 2025

dating

I started talking to someone really interesting a few days ago. From start to finish it was probably only four days. But I still cried over it earlier. Part of that was down to the shattered possibility and I suppose part of that was because of how fucking relentless rejection and disappointment there is when meeting new people.

But I guess I’m jumping ahead of myself.

We started messaging four days ago. His first message to me I thought was a copy/paste message but I was having a slow day so I wrote back a quick ‘thank you’ message. And the messages just didn’t stop from there. I felt bad at the time, but I really liked that when I said other people being vague sets my teeth on edge, he responded by being clear about all the things that he’d been vague about.

And I broke all my rules for him too because I was hugely enjoying the conversation. I accepted his friend request which allowed him to see all my half-naked pictures before we met. I gave him some personal information so we could chat on a different platform that I wouldn’t have normally done until we’d met in person.

And I don’t regret either of those things. Especially when it meant that messaging on a different platform included him sending me loads of voice messages. God, I love voices. So much. And he has a really great voice. The first one that he sent I was so distracted by the sound of his voice, the inflection in his words, in the pauses between words that I almost didn’t take in what he had said. And I’m fairly certain I listened to all his voice messages more than once. I love the intimacy of hearing someone’s voice in that way. And I think you share things about yourself that way too and it was lovely having him share those things.

We ended up arranging to meet a lot quicker than I’d normally do as well. It kind of went towards how much I was enjoying our conversation. He made me laugh and smile more than anyone else I’ve spoken to in a really long time. And I loved the variety of conversation, that he was so engaged in the getting to know you phase. I was really into the idea of having this person in my life in whatever capacity where I just really, really enjoyed his company. Did I get my hopes up too much and too quickly? Probably.

We talked about work and relationships and dating apps. I guess I was still holding things back because I never told him my real name or shared a picture of my dog, so maybe some part of me knew?

I did tell him that being around tall people is a bit intimidating for me. And we discussed it a bit as he falls into this category. But in the end no matter the warnings about it, it was the reason for it all to come screeching to a halt. I said something like, he’s looming as I took step away from him. After kissing him. And I guess it doesn’t matter now that the kissing was incredibly hot that in that moment my brain went off into a tangent about more, that in that moment I wanted so much more.

Part of what hurt about the whole situation is the way his messages immediately changed. Leaving me on read for short periods of time, messaging shorter messages. The entire tone of his demeanour changing in an instant from open and engaging to closed and shut off.

Back to square one.

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Dating Disappointment vol. 2

December 12, 2025

dating

I matched with a man on a dating app and we immediately started talking about Studio Ghibli films, about his recent holiday to Japan.

Conversation carried on to films we’d seen recently, what books we were partway through and were trying to finish by the end of the year.

Conversation was natural, it was flowing, it was interesting. I remember thinking that the physical appearance of him was maybe not the type of person I’d usually go for (or who would go for me) but I thought ‘huh’ maybe I’ve always just been short-sighted when it came to muscular, rugby types?

He said something mildly flirty/sexy and we had the obligatory conversation about being reciprosexual (that old killer of possibility) and he said that he’d be interesting in meeting soon for a coffee date. I said I would be excited for that too. We made tentative plans for a day in a week’s time.

I don’t have notifications set up for this dating app and work was crazy busy and then I had my course where I couldn’t use my phone for 9 hours straight. When I realised I hadn’t looked at this app for 24 hours I thought ‘oh no, I hope he doesn’t think I’m not interested’ and I logged in to find that he’d already unmatched with me.

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Women and Friendship

December 11, 2025

life, relationships

At the risk of sounding like a broken record, I’ve just really, really been loving how amazing it’s been to interact with more women and having these hits of friendship and camaraderie.

I was at this party the other day, I’ve already written a little bit about it. But the best thing about it is that I spent the majority of my time there talking to a group of women. Just about life. We did talk briefly about pubic hair preferences for ourselves and partners, sure. But we also talked about our children, our dogs, life just generally.

Not since I was in school have I gone to the toilet with a group of women. And honestly, it was a pretty great thing to experience. If only for as I was walking out, one of the women pointed out that I had toilet paper stuck to my shoe and helped me get it off. It’s such a small thing but it just highlights to me how lacking my life has been. That I don’t have women friends to just hang out with.

That same night one of the women offered to invite me to the next girl’s trip to a sex club. And I’ve never been more excited about something. Because I’ve been to sex clubs with men. But I think it’ll be an entirely different experience to go with women. And I’m excited.

This is going to be my goal for 2026. Less focus on sex and sexual partners and more focus on including women and friendship with women in my life. Women friendship brings me so much joy.

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Dating Disappointment vol. 1

December 10, 2025

dating

This is the start of a new series in which I discuss the dating disappointments that I face. I imagine there will be no end to this series of blog posts and it will only end when I’ve given up entirely.

I get dozens of messages a week on different platforms. Mostly from men but occasionally from a couple. I would say that 90% of these messages do not interest or excite me. So imagine my excitement when I receive an interesting, articulate message from the male half of a MF couple. And he’s read my profile. And he’s responded to different elements of my bio. He’s respectful.

And we start up a conversation. And it’s interesting! We talk about board games and living abroad. We talk about children and work. Christmas films. Instead of rushing things too quickly, he talks about the possibility of playing a board game together at some point. If things work out, if we find there’s chemistry or desire to do other things.

And I like it. I’m excited by his messages. I’m looking forward to them. It isn’t perfect and that’s a big reason that this is a recent disappointment.

I notice that while I ask him lots of questions about the titbits of information he offers when I do the same he sails right past. He’s happy to talk about myself but when I take a step back from volunteering information the conversation rests firmly with him talking about himself.

When I explain how my reciprosexuality works he suggests meeting up for a coffee to see if there is chemistry or attraction. And I guess that’s where it all falls apart. I had seen his location on his profile but hadn’t entered it into Google Maps. I just assumed his location was just slightly further from where I’d normally met people from. But no.

90 minutes drive one way. The coffee date proposed would take me 45 minutes-1 hour to get to. If I like him, and if we were to see each other after this, the burden would probably rest with me to drive to him as his life commitments mean few opportunities and restricted access. And the idea of a three hour round trip to see anybody actually exhausts me.

I hate driving. I get anxious driving new places. I have anxiety about parking somewhere new. I also get bored and restless driving for that long. I’ve put it on my profile, I won’t want to travel long distances to meet people, I don’t want other people to travel long distances to meet me. And yet here I am. In this position where there is initial excitement about a person and …I don’t think it will work out. It will not be sustainable and even before we’ve met I’m thinking this is not for me.

Other people would probably make different decisions. But I know myself. And I know how my body is feeling at the idea of all that driving. And it’s saying please god, no.

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