Baby, Can I Hold You

Levels of Pettiness

March 12, 2026

relationships

It’s a really sad thing when you’ve been married to someone for most of your life but you’ve grown apart and ask for divorce but instead of having a clean, quick break of it things linger on and you end up becoming shitty, petty people.

That isn’t a hypothetical, of course. I mean myself and my ex husband. We still live in the same house because even though I brought up divorce 5 years ago (and we’ve been separated that entire time) he has refused until now to actually finalise anything.

I won’t lie, having a continued joint bank account has benefited me but I think the whole experience has overall benefited him more. He likes the idea of playing happy families, delaying when he has to tell his friends and family that he is divorced.

There were times he was in denial about it. There were times when he was angry about it. There were times when he was really sullen about it.

Now though? Now he’s just fucking petty about it. And apologies for getting into the granular detail about how annoying of a person he is to deal with.

And I can’t help but ride that Petty Train right alongside him.

One of the things that pissed me off about him long before we were separated was his quest to ‘balance’ things out. If I do this, he’ll do that. If he does this, he expects me to do that. Without my agreement usually.

But nauseatingly, he has brought up several things that are ‘mine’ to do and ‘his’ to do. It’s never felt so …fucking regimented like it has in the last few months though.

Yes, one of ‘my’ tasks is to feed the dog his dinner at 6pm every day. Fine, I’m happy to do that. But on occasion, I am not home to feed the dog his dinner. I’ve noticed though that my ex husband keeps track of how many days I don’t feed the dog dinner and somewhat coincidentally, he’ll ask me to feed the dog his lunch instead (something that my ex husband usually does as he works downstairs but we have never ‘formalised’).

And how petty is that? Counting how many days he has to feed the dog and taking it out on me. Instead of, you know, just feeding the dog. He’s keeping score with me.

It isn’t my only example though. For the past several weeks he’s taken it up a notch. We had ‘agreed’ that I would walk the dog three days out of the five weekday and my ex husband would walk the dog the other two days. In light of that imbalance, he would also do the weekly food shop. This was never a problem because he’s fussy about the meat and vegetables he picks up and he doesn’t like me doing the food shop anyway. He was always going to do the food shop because he’s controlling like that. But in making this agreement he’s agreed the smaller amount of effort in doing the dog walk in exchange for something he isn’t willing to give up anyway.

It’s become a problem though because of my course that happens Tuesdays from 2pm-9pm. Because of this, he has to walk the dog his two days a week AND Tuesday afternoon because I am not around to do this.

On Sunday, we discuss the upcoming week, which days I’m in the office, which day he is. What our plans are. Can I have dog walks on Tuesday and Wednesday, he asks. Sure, but you’ll have to do Monday afternoon as well as I’m leaving right after work (with our child for an event that has been scheduled in for several weeks now).

That doesn’t sound very ideal for me, he said. Can you walk the dog Monday and Tuesday morning, and he’ll do the full day on Wednesday?

So you want me to walk the dog Monday morning, Tuesday morning, go into the office for 7am on Wednesday, and for me to walk the dog Thursday and Friday morning and afternoon? I asked. Not one day in the week to lay in bed in the morning and have a slow start?

Yes, he said. Because that makes it ‘ideal’ for him.

So, I’ve decided that every day this week my alarm is going to go off at 6am (instead of 7am). And instead of being really quiet about getting up, getting ready and getting dressed I’m not going to bother. If I can’t find the clothes I need and fumble around, if I need to turn the big light on so be it.

If you want to play the Petty Wars, I will show you how low I’ll go. I hope you enjoy your week of lazy, slow mornings lounging about in bed. With the big light on, the curtains opened, me opening and shutting the wardrobe, leaving the en suite light on. And whatever else I can think of.

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Dating Disappointment vol. 7

March 11, 2026

dating

I went on a walking date with a man almost two years ago. I decided not to go any further with that date because … and I am cringing as I write this… I thought he smiled too much.

I sent a message to a friend after this date that read ‘what do you think of people that smile a lot’ and then I carried on to say that I thought this man insincere because ‘nobody genuinely smiles that much’

I felt bad about it afterwards but by the time it was a bit too late. I’d already cut ties with him.

Or so I thought.

The same man reached out to me recently. I hadn’t remembered that it was him. We started a conversation, I was enjoying it. He mentioned meeting at some point. I said what I normally said about knowing a base level of information about a person before I meet them. That’s when he mentioned that we’d already met. Had already kissed.

I cringed as I realised I only remembered three things about him. His first name, that he drove a white car and that he smiles a lot.

I went back and forth about it. Do I go with my first reaction from two years ago? Even if I was hazy on the details? Do I give him a second chance?

I decided I would. Maybe I would be less cynical this time around and just appreciate his smiley nature as being …nice? pleasant? some other happy thing?

Only it never got that far.

We arranged to meet again. For a coffee date. Only on the day that we were meant to be meeting I had just been given a courtesy car from a local garage. They didn’t have any automatic cars available so they dropped off a manual car to me. No big deal, I can drive a manual car. I just hadn’t driven one myself in about three years.

Only when I got into the car, I couldn’t depress the emergency handbrake. And when I got it off my driveway, I couldn’t get it into first gear. I actually sat in that driver’s seat and cried my little eyes out. Thinking how could I have forgotten something so important? How is this so hard? How had I fought for so long to get a courtesy car and now I can’t even drive it.

I wasn’t thinking about him. I was thinking how am I going to get to work? How am I going to get to my course? How long am I going to have this car and when is my life going to get back to normal and when will I get my own fucking car back that I haven’t driven in nearly three months?

I sent him a message though. I was honest. I said I had been looking forward to seeing him again and catching up but I couldn’t drive my courtesy car with any sort of confidence and that I was distraught about it. Maybe after some catch up lessons that a friend had offered, I’d be able to meet him.

He sent me a dick pic. And insisted I was desperate for him.

His message was so far away from anything even remotely important to me at that point. I did start to explain how irrelevant he was at this point in my life but I realised in that moment that I didn’t care.

Why do I need to explain to someone that there are more important things than the possibility of being fucked by a stranger? I didn’t have the energy for that. So I blocked him.

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Turning Point

March 10, 2026

life

I was having this difficult conversation with him the other day and he said something that changed things for me.

It’s not different to things other people have told me. But for whatever reason, it landed at just the right time.

He said something like, I thought it was obvious – you’re a really sexy women. And then he went on to list some of the ways he finds me sexy.

It was nice to read but I don’t think I fully appreciated it until after that conversation when I was less emotional about everything.

And when I did think about it, my response was more along the lines of …do I need to reconsider again how I think of myself? Are the ways that I think of myself outdated and do they no longer serve me? Are the ways that I think about myself bringing me pain?

And I think they are. After he said what he said, I started to think …if I really believed him, if I really thought I’m a sexy person, if I thought I’m passionate in bed, that I’m good at taking part in sexy activities, if I thought that I am desirable person …would I be having the insecurities that I’m having? Would I need this amount of reassurance?

I think I’ve been stuck in a certain way of thinking for too long. And I’ve needed reassurance in the past from previous relationships or previous sexual partners that they find me sexy or desirable or …worthy. But do I think that about myself?

This whole line of questioning really stopped me in my tracks. It made me do quite a bit of soul searching. I think in the past I’ve tried to do quite a bit of internal work to improve the way I think of myself. My appearance, my body shape, the overall look of me.

And I think that without even realising it this thing has crept up on me and surprised me. And when I started asking myself the types of questions I did, I realised the most shocking thing ever.

I do believe him. I believe it in myself. I am sexy, I am desirable. I like the way my face looks. I like that I’ve grown out my hair again. I like the clothes that I’m wearing lately. I like the way my body looks. With and without clothes. I like wearing different types of lingerie that show off my body.

I like me.

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Women

March 9, 2026

dating

I recently changed what I was looking for on dating apps.

I thought what I wanted was to connect better with people and as that’s been a massive disaster with men, I thought why not try with women?

I go back and forth about my attraction to women. I’ve said before that if I had to choose between men or women, I’d always choose women. But then another bisexual woman asked me if that was just because I had less experience with women and if I’d be making that decision based on scarcity?

It was an interesting thought. I’d like to date a woman. I’d like to find out what it’s like, what types of things I’d encounter, how it would be different.

And I thought I was onto something … I matched with several women and thought ‘oh, here we go’ …

Only for me to send them first messages that I was hoping were interesting and enough to be engaging and I received silence in return.

I’m not interesting enough to appeal to other women on dating apps!

I do wonder over and over again how to meet people (men or women!) organically. I wonder if it would be easier to build up a friendship over time that would potentially lead to more.

I’m currently looking into low-pressure ways to meet more people. Wish me luck!

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Directness

March 4, 2026

dating

Sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.

I was feeling a bit …unsettled with him. So after trying to bring it up with him twice in very vague ways, I eventually bit the bullet and sent a very direct question instead.

If I ask a bunch of really direct questions, would you answer honestly?

Yes, he said.

But because there was a time gap of about 20 minutes between me asking and him responding I ended up going down my usual route. Of total and utter avoidance.

Do you like Indian food? I asked instead. And sent a picture of my meal.

Why am I like this? It’s so frustrating. For me. For him. For anyone else even remotely connected to me. Instead of just asking the questions, instead of just plucking up the courage to have the difficult conversations I just end up prolonging my own agony. My own insecurities.

I am determined to do better. To work harder at being more direct. Open. Honest. About how I’m feeling. About how certain behaviours trigger things in me. About how I can emotionally heal myself.

But if you’re wondering, that Indian food was really incredible. Would have again.

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Back to the Beginning

March 3, 2026

dating

I shared the link to this blog with someone new. And when he brought it up again a few weeks later he said he had started reading it from the beginning. I was shocked when he said that but out of curiosity, I clicked through to the first post and read from the beginning too. I was having a slow afternoon at work and I got through maybe 20 or so posts.

I …was surprised. Sometimes I started reading the posts and I couldn’t remember what I was writing about immediately. I read certain posts and sometimes I felt nostalgic about the person (Crush and Burn) or about the experience (Electric Kisses). I read some of my early poetry with new eyes that hadn’t read those poems since I wrote them.

There was such hope and optimism in those early days. I’m laughing at me using the phrase ‘early days’ because I started this blog 11 months ago but it’s crazy how different my approach has been. I said to this person as a warning when I gave him the link to this blog that it has taken a nosedive into some depressing territory and reading some of those early posts I feel like I know why.

That’s silly. What I mean is that I’ve always known why there have been week long breaks on this blog. I’ve known why I feel heavy to sit down and write blog posts. It’s because I’ve been having disappointing experiences with others, it’s disheartening to write endlessly about failed dates, failed connections.

But I think what I have taken from reading some of my earlier blog posts is that I should still take chances. Say ‘yes’ to things. Obviously give myself plenty of grace and self-care when things go wrong, but I want to get back to feeling excited about meeting people, excited about having experiences. Instead of just waiting for it to all go wrong.

Because one of these days it will all go right. And it’ll be worth it.

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Missing

March 2, 2026

relationships

I read something on social media recently that said if I’m not over him it’s not because I’m still into him but that I miss being ‘chosen.’

Another post said I’m not over him because I’m comparing the fun that I had with him with the misery of dating. If I had something that put a smile on my face consistently, I wouldn’t be dwelling on what I had.

And I’ve been thinking about that a lot.

I don’t think I’m necessarily still into him. I think I can separate things out in my head and with my emotions enough to know that he’s where he should be and doing the things he should be doing. And I prefer it that I don’t play a big part in his life anymore. I probably shouldn’t have ever played any part in it.

But I do miss things. Aside from him. I don’t think I need to go into the detail of what I miss about him specifically. It isn’t fair on either of us to get into that.

But I’ll tell you what I do miss. Just structurally within our relationship.

I miss that when we argued or when I brought up anxieties, he’d listen to me and ask questions about how he could make things easier for me. That sort of energy feels rare in my life.

I like that even though he was pressed for availability to see me that he’d get creative in order to make it happen. It was a priority seeing me and god, I absolutely fucking miss that.

I miss all the physical contact. Not just the sex though the sex was fucking electric. He was a really tactile person and even if we were just meeting to go on a walk it was lovely to walk together holding hands. I miss having someone to cuddle into while he just idly stroked my arms or legs or whatever.

I miss his curiosity about me. A man who asked me questions and genuinely wanted to know more about me, how I think, what I’m feeling.

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A Post in Four Parts

February 20, 2026

relationships

Part One

I feel like he and I have had some good moments recently. Sure, we haven’t seen each other in 4 months but he sent me two voice notes after I said how much I love voices and how hot I find them. He was probably joking at sending me an audiobook sometime but I liked it.

Another time I said something to him that I wouldn’t normally have. I said something about missing him. He asked if I was missing the kissing? And I gave him a list of things I missed about him. And then a full day later because it was killing me inside, I asked him if he was also missing the kissing. And he said ‘I am’ and it’s the actual closest he’s ever come to saying that he misses me. And I thought I needed that reassurance. I thought that that one message would help tide me over into the next time we see each other.

But I think all it’s done is made me feel even less secure.

Part Two

I had one of those days recently that are rare. I had the house to myself. I considered inviting him over. But in the end … I didn’t. When I gave it some thought later I thought that part of the reason that I didn’t ask is because when I ask 90% of the time it ends in him saying ‘no’ and I can only handle so much rejection. That day I decided that a rejection from him might tip me over the edge.

But I still had an empty house. So of course I pulled out some toys and started masturbating … and right towards the end, right before orgasm I thought of …him and cried. I’ve never cried over him during masturbation before and it made me feel like shit.

I think I’ve just hit this point where I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what we are, I don’t know if I’ll ever see him again. At the moment, it’s been about two weeks where we haven’t really messaged and I think …is it just me that feels that loss?

It probably is.

Part Three

I keep seeing this woman’s profile online. Her and him met up years ago and he left her a really nice verification.

And every time I see her name online my heart hurts a little bit. Not because of her or anything. Seeing her name just makes me feel insecure. Because for whatever reason, he’s happy to shout out in public that he’s met some people, that he had a great time meeting them or whatever. And every time I see her name it reminds me that I don’t fall within that group.

And maybe it wouldn’t matter so much if he offered me reassurance in other ways?

If he messaged me first. If he invited me over. If he told me how he felt about me. Something. Anything.

But he doesn’t. So I’m left to spiral into insecurity.

Part Four

I was at book club dinner and we’d all had food and people started leaving but this one friend that I’m closest with stayed and it was just me and her talking. And we started talking about things only her and I talk about.

I told her about the jokey conversation about him recording himself reading a book to me, that he (sort of) said he missed me. And I said … I don’t know if I’m just thinking how I’m thinking because of my own issues or because if it’s the right thing to do.

She said something like, but you’re only telling me good things right now? and I knew I was. I like talking about the nice things.

But then I said I didn’t want to him invite him over because I was afraid I’d be rejected again.

And I said that I see him maybe once in 3-4 months which, if we’re FWBs, isn’t really satisfying my needs in that department.

And I said that I wouldn’t sit here like I was with my friend talking for a few hours over food or drinks with him. So are he and I even friends?

And I said that I’ve never been to his place. Because he said something like not having people over protects his peace. But if after nearly two years of knowing each other … if I disturb his peace what even are we doing?

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to feel.

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Heated Rivalry

February 19, 2026

life

A bright spot to my life recently has been watching Heated Rivalry. I hadn’t heard of it until I saw some short interviews at an awards thing for Connor Storrie and Hudson Williams. Maybe it was the clip of them introducing some award? Maybe it was something else. I had been oblivious to the gay hockey story until then.

But my face was hurting from toothache and I knew I needed a balm for all the shit things happening lately and so I started to watch it. And I’m now obsessed. The show is only 6 episodes long and they really just pack so much into those 6 episodes. So many scenes and dialogue to just absolutely love.

My algorithm on social media is now almost entirely Heated Rivalry related and I’m not disappointed. I’ve borrowed the audiobook from my library, I’m going to read the whole series eventually. I’ll most definitely rewatched Heated Rivalry. Maybe tonight after work. And it’s one of those things where I haven’t really tried to work out what it is about the story, the characters that I love so much. Does it have to have a reason? Can it not just be because it’s hot men having sex, falling in love with a very thin backdrop of hockey?

Well, it just so happened that (in my newly acquired awesome algorithm!) that someone else came to a conclusion about why women love Heated Rivalry so much. And when I came across it I thought … I don’t disagree? It said it’s popular with women because it’s intimacy without misogyny, without gender imbalance, without threat. But she goes on to say that women enjoy it because it’s a window into viewing longing, passion and sex. And when I read that I thought … that probably is what I’m missing from the sex, dating and relationships I’ve been having lately. These characters are emotionally open and vulnerable. There’s tenderness there.

And I want that. I miss that.

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Unravelling

February 18, 2026

life

I’ve had a terrible month.

I was involved in a car accident. And I have a toothache. Work is shit. My date got cancelled. I think things are ending with him. I feel under so much pressure with my course. I feel pulled thin right now.

And I think I’ve started to unravel under the weight of it all.

I cry all the time lately. I cry in the morning. And I cry in the shower. I cry in my reading chair. I cry into my pillow before I fall asleep.

And I think what makes it worse, or maybe it’s the reason I’m crying? I don’t really know. But I think it’s because I feel so utterly all alone.

Part of that is that when I start to feel like this I do crawl back into my protective shell and I start to hide from the world. History has taught me that I can’t rely on others to help me get through hard things. So I get it. Alone by design.

But it’s still really shit to feel like I’m the epitome of ‘out of sight, out of mind’ – that nobody is around to ask me how I’m doing. So there’s nobody around for me to say that life is really hard right now and wouldn’t it be great if things were a little easier?

Instead, I’m crying as I’m writing this. And I doubt anything will change. Expect maybe I’ll get a little bit better at taking life’s knocks.

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