This man messaged me awhile back. Definitely my type. By that I mean that he seemed smitten with me right from the start. He was fully engaged with what I’d written on my profile. I think he liked the pictures. He was hanging onto every snippet of information that I was dropping about myself.
My dog. My Masters equivalent course. That I hate work at the moment. That I write this blog. I love it when people find me interesting. Fascinating. I like the attention.
He wanted to know what type of books I like to read, he wanted to know about my favourite film I’d seen at the cinema, what my favourite thing to do to relax in the evenings. He’d write messages assuming that we’d meet up soon.
I told him (and after I said it, I knew that I shouldn’t have!) that I thought I was at least 40% less attractive than my pictures would indicate. This is something I’ve said or written multiple times to many different people. I know I shouldn’t say or think ungenerous things about myself but I justify it to myself and to others by saying I’m trying to manage other people’s expectations.
I sent him a picture I’d taken that second with no filter. And I said ‘this is me, I look exhausted because I am exhausted’ and he wrote back compliments and that he knew I’d look good because I sounded attractive in my messages. In the way I thought and in the way I am. And I liked hearing that.
He ended up being a dating disappointment because I told him that I was preoccupied with writing an assignment for my course and he responded to say that he’d think of a ‘reward’ for me to get through it. What sort of reward? I asked. He said for every 500 words he’d tell me in great detail what sort of sexual things we’d do together when we finally did meet.
I could have been less straight forward in what I said to him. I know I could have. But I don’t always think of that and if I’m honest, we’d already had our conversation about me being reciprosexual. I didn’t think I was being harsh by reiterating that I don’t experience sexual attraction to others until we meet up in person. Online expressions of interest don’t hold much weight. So, I said, I’d love to read what you come up with as a reward. I think it’d be interesting. And something to consider after we meet up.
And he never responded to that message. I should be more used to people finding my sexuality a chore.
Baby, Can I Hold You 