Baby, Can I Hold You

Dating Disappointment vol. 1

December 10, 2025

dating

This is the start of a new series in which I discuss the dating disappointments that I face. I imagine there will be no end to this series of blog posts and it will only end when I’ve given up entirely.

I get dozens of messages a week on different platforms. Mostly from men but occasionally from a couple. I would say that 90% of these messages do not interest or excite me. So imagine my excitement when I receive an interesting, articulate message from the male half of a MF couple. And he’s read my profile. And he’s responded to different elements of my bio. He’s respectful.

And we start up a conversation. And it’s interesting! We talk about board games and living abroad. We talk about children and work. Christmas films. Instead of rushing things too quickly, he talks about the possibility of playing a board game together at some point. If things work out, if we find there’s chemistry or desire to do other things.

And I like it. I’m excited by his messages. I’m looking forward to them. It isn’t perfect and that’s a big reason that this is a recent disappointment.

I notice that while I ask him lots of questions about the titbits of information he offers when I do the same he sails right past. He’s happy to talk about myself but when I take a step back from volunteering information the conversation rests firmly with him talking about himself.

When I explain how my reciprosexuality works he suggests meeting up for a coffee to see if there is chemistry or attraction. And I guess that’s where it all falls apart. I had seen his location on his profile but hadn’t entered it into Google Maps. I just assumed his location was just slightly further from where I’d normally met people from. But no.

90 minutes drive one way. The coffee date proposed would take me 45 minutes-1 hour to get to. If I like him, and if we were to see each other after this, the burden would probably rest with me to drive to him as his life commitments mean few opportunities and restricted access. And the idea of a three hour round trip to see anybody actually exhausts me.

I hate driving. I get anxious driving new places. I have anxiety about parking somewhere new. I also get bored and restless driving for that long. I’ve put it on my profile, I won’t want to travel long distances to meet people, I don’t want other people to travel long distances to meet me. And yet here I am. In this position where there is initial excitement about a person and …I don’t think it will work out. It will not be sustainable and even before we’ve met I’m thinking this is not for me.

Other people would probably make different decisions. But I know myself. And I know how my body is feeling at the idea of all that driving. And it’s saying please god, no.

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Christmas Dilemma

December 9, 2025

relationships

I don’t know what to do.

I was scrolling through different websites the other day looking for those last little bits for Christmas gifts and stocking fillers. It was a task that was taking up a lot of my time and I feel like after an hour or so of it I was losing the will to live and also I wasn’t fully engaged with it.

Anytime I thought ‘oh, my kid might like that’ I added it to the basket and paid for it. I figured I’d probably end up with stuff I mostly didn’t regret buying and one or two things I maybe did. But I don’t buy Christmas gifts for that many people. I don’t have a lot of family, I don’t have a lot of friends. Close family (including my ex husband) means that I shop for exactly three people.

And maybe I find that small number hard? Maybe I secretly want to have more people in my life where it wouldn’t be weird to get each other jokey little Christmas gifts? Have I got myself into this Chrismas Dilemma because of loneliness?

I bought a Christmas gift for my on/off person. As I was scrolling through different websites I came across a little thing that I thought ‘I think he might like this’ and without thinking about it, I bought it. There was an initial feeling after I got the confirmation of purchase email where I thought ‘what have I done?’ but I think my response to that feeling was ‘maybe it will get lost in the post and I won’t have to deal with it all’ and I think that’s just a perfect indication of how I engage with awkwardness.

Because I don’t know what to do now. Do I tell him? We don’t have any plans to meet up before Christmas and, generally speaking in the 18 months that I’ve known him, we’ve never had plans to meet. My brain is having a terrible time even picturing what it would be like to say to this person ‘oh, I bought you a Christmas gift’ so it just refuses to imagine it.

What do I do? What would you do? Help.

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Facing Rejection

December 8, 2025

dating, life

I’ve been job hunting recently. Recently is probably misleading. I’ve been in the same job for 2.5 years and the same week that I started this new job I was already looking for a new job. It’s been kind of off and on but I would say lately job hunting has taken up a significant amount of my time.

I put a lot of work into job applications. And because I’ve been putting a lot of effort into job hunting and job applications lately, I feel like I can’t help but raise my hope and expectations that something good will come of these job applications. Work has been quite challenging recently and I like to work towards the idea that soon enough all my hard work will pay off, someone will see the inherent value in what I would bring to a new organisation and offer me loads of money to make that change.

Except the other day, I was faced with the hardest rejection I’ve had to date. Where a role came up and the location, the job responsibilities, the company, the benefits, everything about it made think ‘this one, this is the I want.’ And then I was summarily rejected for it in one of those mass automated emails.

I cried. And then I took myself out for Thai food. And then I decided last-minute to show up to this party hosted by people from the sex website I use. I thought, why not head over? I’ll see people I know, maybe meet new people. It’ll be something fun and exciting and will distract me from my life disappointments.

And… in going to this party I ended up facing even more rejection. I guess I didn’t really think it through beforehand. But I knew a handful of people going including someone I’ve recently had sex with and who I’d planned on meeting again soon. I figured what could go wrong?

Well. What could go wrong is that I’d feel awkward around the person I’d recently had sex with because he was feeling awkward about someone else there. We’d barely interact and because of a misunderstanding when a group of women and I went to the toilet it looked liked we’d all left and so he left without saying goodbye. And that felt weird.

When I brought it up the following day with him it turns out those plans we had? He’d made plans with someone else for the same day. And I just can’t. I know they were tentative, not set in stone plans. We hadn’t discussed where we’d be meeting or when we’d meet or any level of detail other than are we both free that day. But even so, it hurt.

I feel like this early on in a sexual relationship I shouldn’t be feeling like I’m not someone’s priority. Or like plans with me are easily changeable without consequence. I don’t want to feel like I’m not important or like I’m second or third choice. So this whole thing has been paused. Who knows if we’ll come back to it if priorities shift or the situation changes? But for now? I’m chalking this one up to another rejection.

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Restoring My Faith

December 5, 2025

life

As I mentioned in a previous post, I was planning on deleting my account at the sex website I use. It was wearing me down, I wasn’t getting success from it. But I had agreed to attend a type of party so I delayed deleting until after it.

And …I don’t know. I feel like maybe there’s still life and enjoyment and value to be had from that place. Because I went to this party and I had the absolute best time. It was so nice to meet old friends, new friends. I wanted to go because the host is one of the most delightful people I’ve ever come across and I wanted to meet her. She didn’t disappoint. She was beautiful and friendly, at one point she came up to me really close to my face and said why don’t we meet up sometime, just me and her and watch a film together and eat some snacks. And I feel like I fell in love with her a little bit in that moment.

I met another friend (who I’ve written about on this blog) and we talked about films and dating in a way that we used to do. There are some people who just get me on a certain level and this friend does that. It was nice to see him again. I met a couple who were incredibly sexy but also just really cute with each other that tried to get me to play a guessing game with them (I hate guessing games).

There was a woman who joined sort of late who just immediately popped up and shared the craziest story about using LinkedIn to get a date and I was absolutely fascinated. I ended up speaking to the host after the event and said I met the most intriguing woman but I don’t know how to contact her now! and luckily we’ve been put in touch.

I guess I hadn’t realised how many people I have met on this journey until this night. It was a large group but I knew so many of them. It felt familiar, it felt friendly. And as I was going home that night with memories of shared laughter and a little zing of flirtiness, I thought …maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to walk away from the connections I’ve made.

Am I focusing too much on sexual connection? And have I been overlooking the lovely friendships that were all around me that night? I think so. But there’s a lot to be said for making friends.

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Not Dating, Not Sexing

December 4, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

Has it felt kind of uneventful around these parts lately? Or is that just me thinking that?

I’m in kind of a slump. I’m not really meeting new people. And there have been zero plans made to have sex with people I already know and have a sexual relationship with. Not for lack of trying on either thing, I don’t think. But it turns out, if I’m not doing the dating then it leads to not doing the sex either. Sadly. For me.

Partly there’s the lack of availability with those I have connected with. Whether that’s a lack of wanting to get together I’m not sure – it’s best not to ask questions I don’t want answers to. Partly it’s that I haven’t been talking to new people to where we’ve gotten to the point of meeting. Part of that is that as I mentioned in a previous post I’m not hugely interested in a Just Sex situation. I want more than that. I deserve more than that.

I think I’m also in a phase right now (with those I have connected with) where I’m also really embracing a ‘meet you at your same effort’ mode. If you don’t ask me about the thing going on in my life right now I’m not going to delve too deep into the thing going on in yours. If you say your availability is nonexistent until next May? Then I’m not going to be the one pushing you for updates. If when I meet you and you say you’ll text me and then you don’t? I’m not going to be the one to text you first.

I think I’m just tired.

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Women

December 3, 2025

life

Have I already mentioned that I’m doing a Masters equivalent course currently? It’s work related and for it, every week I leave work early to travel to a place 45 minutes drive from me and sit in a room for 7 hours with a group of 20 somethings.

When I first joined the course I thought ‘oh god’ at the ages of everyone else. I felt like I wasn’t going to fit in, that I’d stick out, that I wouldn’t have things in common. But there’s 12 of us on this course. One man and 11 women.

And can I just say these women are all fucking incredible?

There’s something so wholesome about being around them. They give me energy, they give me joy, they make me happy. Every week that I’m there something happens that just makes me endlessly smile.

Last week as I was walking in two different people said to the youngest woman there ‘your hair looks great’ and she positively beamed. She said thank you and that nobody at work even noticed that she’d had her hair done and actually everybody noticed straight off as soon as she arrived.

The week before when hair came up, I’d said I was growing out mine but I hated this in-between phase where it isn’t short and it isn’t long and just feels scraggly and they told me to ‘trust the process’ and gave me compliments.

There are women there who are getting married this year and we’ve talked about flowers and dresses and venues. There is one woman older than me who has a daughter going to prom and we’ve shared the best places for dresses, for shoes, for accessories.

We’ve talked about going to the gym and getting into Hyrox. We talk about the food we cook, one woman asked for advice on how to ask for a raise. The women have all complimented each other on our coats, our trousers, asked where we’ve gotten our shoes. We give each other encouragement on our assignments, advice about what to do in tricky work situations.

This kind of friendship and fellowship is the reason I’m doing this course face to face and not online. You can’t put a price on this sort of interaction on a weekly basis. For the next two years.

Women are incredible. And going to this course every week makes me yearn for a better network of women friends like this.

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Cute Things

December 2, 2025

dating

A few weeks ago I was determined to delete my profile on this website I use to meet people. I had felt worn down from how tedious it had become. The same conversations, the same laziness from other people in their messaging. The same expectations from others. That we’d meet up for a social thing first and then the next time we’d see each other it would be for the sex.

I wasn’t having any conversations that excited me, I wasn’t finding people there that excited me. It all felt like a slow and steady grind. Nothing about it was bringing me joy. So I told a few people that I’d be leaving. One sent over their details to talk on another platform and the others gave me a cheery ‘take care, bye’ which told me everything I needed to know about my decision.

A friend did ask me my reason for leaving and I gave a version of the above. He asked what I’d do instead. And I said I wanted to do cute things with others. And I don’t think there’s an end to the list of cute things that are possible. But I want to do them.

I want to go on long dog walks with someone. I want to cuddle on the sofa and share our favourite cheesy films. I want to go to book events or art exhibitions, or just hang out laughing somewhere. I want to go to theme parks or museums. I’d love to play board games with someone. Or go to karaoke. I saw someone online that said she does Errand Dates where instead of going out for a drink or a meal, they get together and do the weekly food shop or go get their tyres changed and I love that idea. I love the idea of having company in my life.

I think it speaks to my loneliness that I don’t have people in my life to go to poetry readings with me or to take the tour of Highgate Cemetery that I’ve wanted to do for years and have never done. And I want to do those things.

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The Tracks of My Tears by Smokey Robinson

December 1, 2025

relationships

I was on a dog walk recently when this song came on. It isn’t surprising, it’s one of my favourite songs and it comes up on my playlist quite often.

But it hits me in a very specific way when I hear it. Every time I hear it.

I’ve written before about a relationship with an English teacher years ago that helped me realise how unhappy I was, how small my life was and how much I wanted to change things for the better. That man was married and it was after that (online) relationship ended that I made this connection with this song.

Since you left me, if you see me with another girl
Seeming like I’m having fun
Although she may be cute
She’s just a substitute because you’re the permanent one

I heard this song after things ended with him and this particular set of lyrics ripped me open. Because I heard it and it feels like it cuts through all my excuses, all the beautiful lies that I tell myself about being the Other Woman.

Although she may be cute (this is me Smokey is singing about me now, I’m ‘she’) She’s just a substitute because you’re the permanent one (‘you’ here is his wife).

No matter how cute I am, no matter how fun, no matter how great we are together, no matter if there’s love. It all feels like nothing because I was only ever a stand-in.

She’s the permanent one.

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Submit by sonnet

November 26, 2025

sex

I don’t remember where I first heard about Submit the memoir by sonnet about a woman’s journey as a submissive. But as soon as I did hear of it I was immediately intrigued. I love the idea of reading about how other people write about sex and their own journeys. Especially within submission, which is an area of sexuality that I am exploring myself.

I also, if I’m being entirely truthful, find it fascinating to see how other people approach sex and their experiences from a purely academic perspective. I love exploring word usage, anonymity, the displays of growth within a person’s writing. All areas that I feel like I obsess about writing this blog. So from that point of view I was also excited to read it.

I’ll say straight off, I don’t think I could relate to much of anything in sonnet’s memoir. Our interests in sexual preference did not overlap in much of anything. But that’s okay. I wasn’t reading it to be titillated by her experiences. I read it because I find other people’s experiences, thoughts and journey in sex to be fascinating. And I did find Submit fascinating.

One of the things that I liked most about it is that when sonnet realises something about herself that she wants to explore more, she really dove headfirst into exploring that fully. Whether it’s the physical pain of caning, erotic photography, anonymous sex. She was fearless in her approach. Being a lot more conscious of my own (and other women’s) safety, I found some of her experiences hard to read. But that’s just me and my own view.

I liked her relationship with her partner and also how many different experiences she shares (though all the caning got a little repetitive for me!) I felt like I really got a sense of the supportive nature of her relationship and how engaged she was within her own sexuality.

I’ve read other sex memoirs but this has been my favourite so far. I did read reviews of some backlash to two particular points (a comment she made about dogs and a scenario regarding race play) and both those reviews almost put me off reading it but I’m glad I didn’t. Because those criticisms are taken out of context.

Overall, I thought this was a solid memoir. While I didn’t agree with everything and I found pleasure in almost none of it I still found it thoroughly engaging and deeply interesting.

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Never Ending Stream

November 25, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

It’s funny how time can change your perspective on things.

A few months ago I felt very high on life and my certainty that I was following this beautiful path down the road of polyamory. I thought, yes! I’ve finally found where I feel like I fit in with the realisation that different people offer me different things.

I didn’t have to put so much pressure on my on/off person, for example, because voila! I can get the consistency or communication that was lacking in that relationship from somewhere/someone else and just focus on what I do get from that relationship. I could see other people casually and still get that hit of emotional connection I feel with him and the two should balance each other out.

I felt confident in this approach. Happy. Excited even.

Until I didn’t.

At some point, after seeing several different people recently I mostly just felt like I had a never ending stream of people coming in and out of my life and none of them were really giving me what I wanted or needed. It just felt like I was ending up with the leftover scraps in each of these relationships.

And instead of feeling elated or excited by it, I just felt …exhausted. Disheartened, demoralised. I haven’t felt very motivated in any of the connections I’ve made recently. And I’m questioning it all again.

Am I actually poly? Or do I sometimes try to convince myself that being poly is for the best when it’s really something I’ve fallen into not my choice but by circumstance?

I don’t have any answers for those questions. But it is something that I’ll think about more.

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