Baby, Can I Hold You

Anonymous Confessions vol. 2

October 1, 2025

relationships

I had some feedback recently to say that my post Anonymous Confessions was a bit confusing.

The person giving me feedback read it and thought that the confessions were referring to the same person … when in fact it was about 6 different people.

So for that reason I’m going to try this again. Please consider this a short series of blog posts as I further explain my initial blog post!

We aren’t friends that talk or message all the time but I feel a deep kinship with you. You’re my people. And your encouragement and belief in me more than my own makes me feel bigger, braver. And I’m so grateful to you for that.

Starting with this confession. Do you ever just have that amazing, beautiful, incredibly wise friend who tells you just the right things at just the right times? Where she absolutely knows what needs to be said and says it in the most perfect, concise way without any bullshit. Knowing that we’re friends enough that I’ll take whatever life advice she gives me?

I hope you have a friend like this.

I wrote this confession for a friend of mine where, as mentioned, we might not see each other that often, we might not message each other regularly, but good lord is my life a better place for having her in it.

There’s no sexual undertones here which is a change from my ‘typical’ friendship. Instead we have one of those friendships where I hope that we challenge each other. Make each other think and feel in a different way. But at the same time share some laughs and bond over our similarities even if it’s our differences which makes our friendship work so much.

Again, it can’t be said enough, I’m enormously, ridiculously happy to have this type of friendship in my life.

I feel like sex, dating, relationships, life just generally can be so confusing. And there isn’t anything more valuable than a good friend to bounce things off, to share. To commiserate. To laugh with.

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First Impressions

September 30, 2025

dating

Have you ever met someone and your first impression of them is that you’re unlikely to get to a place where you’re attracted to them? And then something happens and you change your mind?

I met this guy over the summer. It was only briefly. We did have quite a short conversation at a party and I guess the reason that I figured I couldn’t be attracted to him is that he seemed incredibly energetic. Words were falling out of his mouth as though he couldn’t control them. He was complimentary but he almost took those comments over the line. Almost but not quite.

He messaged me after the party to apologise for his behaviour and to say that he isn’t normally like that, that he’d like to see me on my own sometime, would I be interested in meeting him for a coffee? I can’t remember if I outright said ‘no’ at the time – but that was essentially my answer. No. That first impression meant I couldn’t really see me and him as anything other than chaos. I feel like my vibe or tone or whatever you want to call is fairly relaxed, low-key. I’m not high energy and I don’t know what I’d do with someone who was bouncing off the walls.

But months later, I ran into him again. The circles we run in are small and incestuous so of course I ran into him again. And it was different. He was different.

And can you believe I have such a raging crush on this man now?

I knew he was cute beforehand. But the whole differing energy thing really put me off so much that I almost didn’t even see it. But I saw it the other night. He was composed, calm, relaxed. And in that state of calmness, he was charming, respectful.

He smiled at me. And when he was talking with me he’d lean closer to my ear, or he’d touch my arm in that way that touchy feely people do when they’re saying something important and want to use touch as another way of connecting. (I love those people)

He was with a woman friend and I actually just really loved how he was with her too. (We’re all ethically non monogamous so the fact that he was with her doesn’t mean much to any of us!) It was almost like I could see in the way he was with her how it could be if we were out in the evening somewhere and I don’t know. It seemed pretty nice.

I can’t tell at this point if I’m into him specifically or if I’m just into the idea of him. Do I want him to smile at me and pay attention when I’m speaking or do I want someone generally to do those things? How can one tell, really? Someone educate me. I need it.

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The Biggest ‘Why?’

September 29, 2025

life

Do you ever just learn something really monumental about yourself almost by accident?

Recently I went to a large social gathering of people at a sex club. The event itself was ‘vanilla’ in that everyone was normally clothed, there were ‘normal’ activities as ice breakers and the expectation was that there’d be no sexual activity during this thing. It was just happening in a sex club.

And I decided to go to it. I hadn’t really interrogated my own reason for wanting to go other than I don’t want to be put off going to these things because of my own fears and anxieties. I don’t love the idea of driving there, I don’t love the idea of parking there, I don’t love the idea of walking into the place on my own, I don’t love the idea of socialising with large groups of people.

And that last one was the one that I thought I was going to this event in order to ‘get better’ at. I don’t want to be intimidated by large groups of people, I don’t want to avoid them. I want to be better at socialising and meeting new people etc. Or at least that’s what I thought.

So I get to this place. I drive there just fine and as I’m driving there I think … I’m not in the least bit panicked about driving to this place. Huh. That’s interesting.

So I get there and there’s one spot left in the car park. So I reverse park into it and … I’m not in the least bit panicked about parking in this car park space. Huh. That’s interesting.

It’s like these things that I’m holding onto myself (that I have anxiety about driving new places and that I have anxiety about parking hold me back from doing things and going places) and they’re possibly not true.

So I get out of my car and I join the queue to get into this place. I meet a friend in the queue and we end up chatting to the people ahead of us in the queue and to the people behind us. I don’t have any problem engaging in conversation with either my friend or the 5-6 new people I’ve only just met.

I get into the club, I meet other people. I go up to a group of strangers (there were 5 of them?) and say to them without prompting ‘Hi, this is my first time at a social like this, can I join you?’ and it wasn’t scary. Almost like I don’t have a problem at all socialising with strangers. Or groups of people.

At some points during the evening the people that I do know or have met leave me to go to the bar or to speak to other people and I feel content to lean against the wall at the edge of the bar area. There are lots of people around me that I could have spoken to … and what I realised during the night is that I didn’t have any issues or concerns about approaching any of them. I just didn’t want to. I didn’t feel compelled to.

And it actually felt like a life-changing realisation. I was shedding so many outdated beliefs about myself that night. But the one about socialising? It felt big.

What I realised that night is that I’m not shy. I’m not reserved. I don’t have social anxiety. I can talk easily to people. I know that most people like me when they meet me. I don’t worry what other people think of me. I’m not overthinking things when I’m meeting new people.

The reason I don’t do well in large groups of people is that quite often I don’t have a big enough ‘why’ to approach other people and start conversation. There isn’t that ‘why’ that motivates me to change things enough. What I realised in the middle of this sex club is that I was quite happy to talk to the couple of people that I knew beforehand. I was happy to make the effort in socialising with others … but only when it suited me. Only when the ‘why’ to do so was greater than staying on my own.

And I fucking love my own company.

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Reasons For Writing

September 26, 2025

life

I recently had a really long think based on a conversation I was having with a friend. The think ended up being a justification almost for why I write this blog. And my response ended up covering several different reasons. I thought it was interesting enough that I’d write them out here too.

The first is that I love storytelling. I was raised by a single father with a big personality. Big everything, really. Big voice, big opinions. And one of the things that he did was that he turned everything into a story. It didn’t matter if it was a boring story about going to do the big food shop or retelling childhood stories everything was an adventure, there was something there. Something big or magical or hilarious, something. He turned everything into a good story.

And I grew up listening to his stories. Sure, I liked to read and I got hooked on the storytelling elements in books and films and songs. But my main interest in storytelling came from my dad. He knew how to spin a good yarn and at some point in my life I decided that I wanted to be a good storyteller too. Not in the same way, obviously. I don’t have the magnetic presence he did, I don’t have the skill in the same ways. But I feel like I do a good job telling a story my way.

And some of that is that I like the control in it. I like transforming an uneventful date into something entertaining by focusing on certain things, highlighting feelings, cutting out the boring middle parts. I’m choosing where the story starts and ends and where the focus is. I like making word choices, I like playing with structure, with the perspective. These are things I enjoy.

I also think that I’m on a journey here. And I write this blog almost to document the changes I’m making, to mark my own development when it comes to sex, dating, and relationships. I feel like I’m always learning and changing but when you’re so close to things it can be hard to see the changes we’re making in small increments. And I don’t want to miss those changes. I write this blog to bear witness to me growing as as a person, as a person in relation to other people. And in the hopes that I am continually aiming for where I want to go or towards who I want to be. And maybe those things change along the way too but if they do, I’d like to document those changes as well.

But the third and final reason that I write this blog is to understand myself more by writing about some of my experiences. I can sometimes struggle to understand how I’m feeling about a person, or about a situation. And I need that time to really delve into those things, to examine them a little closer.

Sometimes the act of writing about meeting someone else, sometimes the act of writing about us having sex or whatever it is means that I’m sitting in that experience a little bit longer. And I’m spinning over what’s been said, what’s been done. And it’s helping me. I’m so clueless sometimes about things and I need that little bit of extra time to consider things. Especially with something so new.

As an example, I had sex with someone a few months ago and it took me a full month before I realised I felt uncomfortable with some of the things that had happened. I’m not suggesting there was a lack of consent or that I felt unsafe, but it took me writing a post about that experience to go over it again in my head to really know in myself that I didn’t feel comfortable in what had happened. It’s like there’s something stunted in me that it takes me a little bit longer to understand or to realise.

So those are my reasons. I’d love to know your reasons for reading this blog. For spending however much or little time reading my words and what it brings you. Whatever your reasons, I’m glad you’re here with me.

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Crying

September 23, 2025

sex

I actually really love it when he looks at my profile. It shows up in my notifications when he looks at it, I don’t know if he knows that. But it sends a little thrill through me every time he looks at my profile or likes the pictures I’ve uploaded. It’s been over a year and it still makes me feel that way.

Sometimes I’ll look at his profile too. But because of my settings I know he won’t get a notification that I’ve looked at his. I prefer this. But because I like balance I try to not look at his profile more than he looks at mine. It seems fair. Plus he took all his face pictures out of his private gallery and that removed part of my reason for looking.

Tonight though I clicked on his profile after I’d seen that he’d liked my latest picture.

And I started crying.

He’d changed his profile to state that he can accommodate whereas I’m pretty sure it used to be say that he cannot. I don’t know if this is a recent development but it made the tears fall straightaway. Maybe I’ve been feeling sensitive and a little bit off tonight and this whole week but it set me right off.

The idea that he could have changed this setting to appeal to other women.

The idea that he’s never once given me any indication that he’d ever invite me over.

That he might trust some other woman to have her in his space and not me.

The fact that he’s never invited me over.

Not once.

In a full fucking year.

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Anonymous Confessions

September 19, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I quite like you. But as you’ve never given any sort of indication that you’re into me it will continue to be one of those unrequited crushes on my side. That’s okay.

It absolutely thrills me to see your name pop up online. I like the way you think, the things you say. I feel like I’m the best version of myself with you and it makes me sad that there are things standing in the way of more.

You feel like an unanswered question. There was something there and then it got interrupted. And I don’t mind saying (anonymously) that I think about what it would be like to explore all those unspoken things, all those things we haven’t done together. That makes it sound like I’m daydreaming about us having deep philosophical conversations but don’t be mistaken. My mental image is one of naked bodies crashing against each other with mouths and tongues and fingers everywhere.

Would you just ask to meet me already? Stop hinting around it and just tell me a date and time. I’ll say yes.

For whatever reason, my heart has decided to hook itself to you. Most days I’m okay with it. You’re funny and smart and sexy as hell. You make me feel safe. You do things to my body and it all feels so good that I swear sometimes that I’m in love with you. Some days I believe that. I just wish it were easier to tell you how I’m feeling, what I need from you. To understand your reluctance to open up to me.

We aren’t friends that talk or message all the time but I feel a deep kinship with you. You’re my people. And your encouragement and belief in me more than my own makes me feel bigger, braver. And I’m so grateful to you for that.

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Please Yourself by Emma Reed Turrell

September 17, 2025

relationships

I read a book recently called Please Yourself: How to Stop People-Pleasing and Transform the Way You Live by Emma Reed Turrell.

I really recommend it. I think I need to read it again to fully grasp all the things mentioned, to really let some of the recommendations sink in. But even from the first read I was thinking ‘oh god, that’s me.’

What I found interesting is all the different ways I’ve used in the past to people please. The book is broken down into people-pleasing at work, in friendships, with families, during the holidays and within relationships. It really does just cover lots of eventualities and lots of different types of relationships whether that’s a professional relationship with your manager and creating healthy boundaries at work or whether that’s family who quite (in my experience) feel entitled to encroach on your boundaries.

I think the people-pleasing in relationships and friendships was the reason the book itself was appealing to me but the other sections were also helpful. I think a common sense approach means that this book isn’t ground-breaking, people are probably aware of their own people-pleasing tendencies but what helped me were the case studies, breaking down the reasons for people-pleasing and also the perspective from someone else dealing with your people-pleasing. It’s so easy to see from your own perspective that you’re trying to be easy-going, flexible, whatever you want to do, wherever you’d like to eat and how fucking annoying that can be.

I needed that. I need to be told those things and reading this book felt like an eye-opener on so many levels. I think I’ve gotten to a point now where I feel like I’m better at doing things, saying things that please myself and what I want or need. But I just needed the little nudge that this book gave me as to why I’ve been like this or how I can turn things around.

I feel like we can all improve things within ourselves and now and again it’s really needed to read something like Please Yourself. I’m certainly glad I read it.

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Sad Reality of Dating

September 16, 2025

dating

I went on a date recently that really made me sad. It also made me angry, annoyed and frustrated. But I guess the core feeling was one of sadness.

We messaged for several weeks. He seemed nice enough. Conversation was easy and flowing if not hugely exciting. He sent over several pictures of him that looked like he was standing in pools of light. We agreed to go for a walk in a country park halfway between both of us and if it started to rain then we’d grab a drink in a local pub or the cafe at the country park.

When I got there there was a bit of back and forth over text about where we both were, where we were going to meet. And as soon as I saw him I knew immediately what had happened.

He’d misled me about his ethnicity. The pool of light pictures were saturated so heavily as to make him appear white passing instead of his actual ethnicity, which though I didn’t ask, is of an Indian background. His name was also anglicised to appear more English, I’d imagine.

His appearance as well was definitely misleading, he walked with the gait of an older person and he …just looked older than the 44 he’d told me he was. I only briefly sat down with him and one of the first things I brought up was the age of his children. He’d only mentioned them in his messages beforehand and I didn’t mind the brevity of that, but I was curious as to how he’d react to a direct question face to face. He paused very considerably before (I believe) telling the truth about their ages. He’d said in messages that he ‘was very young when he had them, younger than is now typical’ – and I now knew why this bizarre reasoning for why his children are older than is typical of a man whose age he lied about.

In some ways I get it. Indian men are discriminated against on dating apps and websites. Older men are perhaps not getting the number of swipes they’d like. Personally, I’m open to all ethnicities and my age range goes up to mid-50s on dating apps.

But what I cannot tolerate, and what I did not tolerate in this date, is any sort of deceptive behaviour. I’m not going to be the person who is all, oh so you lied about your age and ethnicity to show that you’re still desirable and interesting and attractive despite those things, cool. No. You lied to me to get me here but that isn’t to say I will stay.

And I didn’t.

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The Little Things

September 15, 2025

relationships

One of the problems with being friends with your ex like I am is that often we go periods of time without messaging each other (like we’re currently in) but even when we do catch up we tend to talk about the big things. Work, relationships, family. Big upcoming events like holidays or the adoption of a dog.

We tend to skip over the little things that friends share with each other. My ex has always been that person that I would save up interesting things to share with him. I remember when things ended nearly two years ago one of the things we talked about is both of us separately had created a list of the things that had happened to us recently that we would have talked about with each other but felt like we couldn’t because of the complicated state of our relationship, being exes.

Just for the fun of it, I created a list recently of things that I probably would have shared with him recently but haven’t. Not necessarily because these types of conversations are ‘off limits’ but more because we’re just not messaging lately for whatever reason.

I’m obsessed with a new podcast that I’ve been listening to. I’ve created a whole new schedule around this podcast for days I’m at work getting my food ready so that I can listen to a podcast across my lunch break. I listened to a podcast the other day about Ludwig van Beethoven and I was so fascinated by what I’d learned that I’d listened to a Beethoven playlist all the way through making and eating dinner that night. And also, I have a renewed interest in visiting Vienna.

I absolutely love watching videos of this joyous young woman who makes clothes out of old bedlinen. The bedlinen usually has some great design on it like Disney or Sesame Street that I think I’d have had something like that as a child. And I love what she does with her designs, really celebrating the characters or patterns that she’s been given. It’s such a fun project to watch and I start to feel like I really want to do something else to be creative like she is.

I’ve loved watching The Summer I Turned Pretty lately. The release schedule initially stressed me out with one episode a week but now I kind of love it. I can never remember if the new episode is available on Thursdays or Fridays but once it gets towards the end of the week I think Yes! one more thing to be excited about. I’m going to be bereft when this season is over and it concludes Belly’s story.

I went to Paris in August and because I was only there for a few days I figured my souvenirs had to match my length of stay. I got some postcards (that I use as bookmarks) and a magnet of the Moulin Rouge that I’ve left on my desk. But the souvenirs that make me the happiest is a pen I bought in the shape of a Parisian baguette and a pen that I bought at the Catacombs of Paris that is shaped like bones. I tell you, every time I use my bone pen I have a little smile on my face.

Even though I’ve been scared to start this new course (two years in length and the equivalent of a Masters degree) I did make some cute back to school purchases including a brown handbag big enough to fit my laptop in, a laptop case that’s this bold forest green and I bought a bright red cardigan that I plan on wearing to one of my tutorials. I kind of love combatting my trepidation for starting this big new thing with some colour.

I heard a story at work from a particular colleague that I absolutely adore. We were talking about some of the people we work with and my friend told a story about one of her friends. She said as a high flying woman in a profession not known for having senior women staff, she sometimes tries to disarm rather arrogant or condescending men at meetings by when she’s shaking their hands she’ll just casually let her gaze rise and settle just for a moment on the man’s hairline.

I was sitting at my desk with the window open the other day and this beautiful little bird kept flying near the open window. I was briefly concerned that he was going to accidentally fly in (I have a slight phobia of tiny birds – it’s a long story) but once I realised that it wasn’t going to fly into my window, I started appreciating its colours. I decided that I didn’t know a thing about garden birds in the UK so I spent a good hour online looking at pictures and reading up about common garden birds and how to attract them. It was interesting (and the bird was a great tit).

My across the street neighbour is super reliant on me to look after their house because one (1) time actual years ago I called 999 when I saw that someone was trying to break into their house. They were very grateful and since then I’ve been plagued by texts from them. (I still ride high on the time they texted to say they were currently in London visiting friends but that he’d read on the local Facebook group that teenagers were in the area drawing obscene things onto cars – could I go over and check if boys had drawn a cock and balls in the dirt on his Merc???) But this time he’d messaged me to say he’d had a strange visitor at his door asking if his car was for sale. My neighbour grew quickly paranoid that this person was going to steal his car (???) and wanted me to provide updates that his car was still there as he was on holiday in Turkey. He sent over the times and dates that the man drove by his house, parked his car, knocked on his door, the video from his Ring doorbell as he answered ‘no’ the car isn’t for sale and the man thanking him and leaving and also the time he got into his car and which direction the car drove. I still don’t know what he wanted me to do with this information.

I’ve also realised that … I probably don’t have anyone currently that I’m telling these things to. And I definitely find that sad. How come nobody is in the market for a new best friend?

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Storytime

September 12, 2025

sex

They had talked beforehand about him coming over to give her a hug. She was quite happy with this plan as often she just missed seeing him, being near him and the idea of a hug sounded quite nice to her.

But as it happened, because she had the house to herself, she pulled out some pieces of lingerie to try on and take pictures. Some sets she had worn before and others that she hadn’t. He liked to find out how she got on with the lingerie and it aroused her to know that he was seeing her in scraps of fabric, it aroused her to know that he liked what he saw in her pictures. She’d been taking to sending him more risque pictures, pictures she wouldn’t normally show to others. Of her naked breasts, or of between her legs that she would normally have covered demurely with her hand.

That day, she’d sent him a video of her pulling down the fabric covering her boobs, of her holding her naked boobs before finally pulling on each of her nipples releasing them one at a time. She was thinking of him as she filmed it, of him pulling at her nipples, of him touching her, of him watching her.

After the video, she had already told him that she planned to masturbate. She was charging a toy that she used only rarely, a rose toy that simulated sucking her clit that she enjoyed only at the highest, most intense setting. She’d also recently found under the bed restraints she’d forgot she had and had little opportunity to use and she’d liked using them during her masturbation sessions when she could, giving it that little bit of additional edge. She had already set up just the bottom half of the bed, intending to restrain her legs in a wide open V.

He’d sent a message asking how the charging of her rose toy was going. She’d responded to say it was giving a solid light and that everything was good to go. She had told him before that trying on lingerie and taking pictures excited her.

She mentioned the leg restraints and he shocked her by what he said next.

Best leave the front door unlocked for me to come in, he said.

Her breath slightly erratic, she responded with something non-committal to find out if he meant it. She liked it then when he’d asked her if what he had said was okay instead of using his command voice. By asking her it meant she could decide if this was something she was comfortable with as they hadn’t discussed anything like it before. He followed it up by asking again and she was reminded by how safe she felt with him.

She had no concerns, as soon as she’d read his message her heartrate had spiked in excitement. She knew that if he meant what he’d suggested that she’d fly down her stairs and unlock her front door straightaway.

Do you want to feel what it’s like to know or not know if I am going to walk in? he’d asked. She thought again about how sexy she finds him, that she loves that he can ask her this question.

And it does elevate things for her as she’s lying in the middle of her bed, naked, spread open with her rose toy pulsing on her clit. She’s had to adjust her legs so that her knees bending and her legs open pull at the restraints but not in an uncomfortable way. She likes the feel of them firm on her ankles holding her in position but that it also gives her some room for movement.

She becomes more aware of the sounds in her house, of her dog barking at passersby at the front of her house and she repeatedly wonders if one of those people are him. She decides she can’t stop every time she wonders ‘is that him?’ and instead she tries to focus on her own pleasure. She moves the rose toy so that all the suction is coming from one side of her clit instead of full on and she changes the setting so that it pulses and pulses and pulses and then stops and in each of the stops her breath catches and soon, she can feel the crest of an orgasm. But it is just out of reach.

She is needy and full of want but she knows she won’t be able to get to orgasm on her own. Not without a helping pair of hands and she thinks about him again. She pulls at her leg restraints, she arches her back thinking desperately if she can just get in the right position, if she could use her toy at just the right angle surely she must be able to tip her over the edge. Surely.

As the minutes go by she starts to panic that he might not show up. She thinks briefly that she will definitely cry if that’s the case but she decides that she’s still feeling too tightly strung to worry about it too much just now. She wants to sink into the feeling of pleasure again, the anticipation of it, the thrill of wondering when he’ll come. He will come, she’s decided.

She focuses on that thought as she pulls against her leg restraints and adjusts her rose toy. She’s hit on just the right spot that if she could just have something more, something just out of reach that she could probably get there. And that’s when she hears the telltale creak of the floorboards at the top of her stairs. And as much as she’s convinced herself he was definitely coming, she realises she also feels surprised and relieved hearing that sound.

When he pushes open her bedroom door and she sees him, she almost immediately has to close her eyes because the moment he arrived it feels like everything has changed with her body. Maybe it’s the anticipation of knowing that with him there she will have an orgasm, maybe it’s the excitement of knowing that her pleasure will be his focus, maybe it’s just because it’s so nice to see him but there’s an electric current running through her body.

Had she ever told him that having someone watch her masturbate is one of her favourite thoughts? Just having him standing in her bedroom this close to her as she’s naked on the bed, seeing her held open by the leg restraints, hearing her breathing all over the place brings her to the brink of coming. She forces her eyes to open to look at him, but her gaze is one of arousal, of need. She tries to say without words that she needs him here, closer, she needs that broken apart feeling of an orgasm ripping through her. But she has no words.

He leans over and first gives her an amazing kiss. It is exactly what she wants. Kissing is her favourite and he is a great kisser. Next, he leans over and he sucks one nipple into his mouth and then the other. She is so aroused by this point that he barely brushes his fingers along her clit before her first orgasm hits. At some point she has let go of the rose toy but he picks it up again and places it over her clit as he slides his fingers into her and she is lost. Waves of pleasure crash against her especially as he kisses her again.

It’s moments later when her breathing returns to normal and she opens her eyes. He looks at her and smiles, says hello. She feels reset from her orgasms, and she feels so much gratitude towards him. For being here, for giving her pleasure. She almost tells him this but he’s distracted by her naked body, her nipples, the sight of her and as he starts touching her again another round of orgasms comes rushing in and she marvels again at how responsive her body is to his attention, to his hands.

If it’s all right with you, I’m going to fuck you now, he says.

She’s almost too shy to watch him as he undresses and later she thinks how silly that is. Once he’s undressed and put a condom on, he positions himself between her legs. But the leg restraints means she can’t spread her legs any more and she wants to. She tries to scoot further down the bed but it isn’t working so he helps her to undo the leg restraints. He’d made a comment about why only the leg restraints were being used she said she needed her hands to use her toy.

But when the leg restraints are off and he’s inside her he says now that I’m here I can do this as he holds her arms above her head pressing her arms into the mattress restraining her in a way that felt so much better than the velcro straps. More so is the way that he looks at her as he’s fucking her. Him looking at her feels so intense, there’s so much vulnerability in it but she can’t close her eyes to him.

Everything after that is a blur.

She remembers the way before he leans over and swipes his tongue along the length of her and the gasping noise she makes when he does.

She remembers the way he leans over and kisses her leg. The look on his face as he sucks fingers into his mouth and uses his wet fingers to rub her clit as holds himself inside her, not moving until she’s had another orgasm.

She remembers holding him close to her, wanting him to press himself against her or to press herself against him, moaning as she comes, the noise of it straight into his ear. She knows he likes to hear her pleasure noises just as she likes to hear his groan of pleasure at the sound of her falling apart. She’s greedy for his kisses.

He asks her at one point, what do you want? and she struggles with an answer and he asks her again, go on, tell me what you want. In the end she says, I just want to feel good and she pauses before adding that she does feel good, that he feels good. And he murmurs some sort of praise about her that she doesn’t quite hear.

She remembers the way it thrills her when he says I’m coming and watching his face as it relaxes into pleasure, the way his eyes actually roll back as he comes. He looks so beautiful in that moment and she feels such warmth towards him.

When he’s recovered he asks her if she’s okay and she responds I’m very well, thank you in a very polite tone that she doesn’t mean but she can’t help herself from being awkward but he smiles at her anyway. She does something she’s always wanted to do and she touches his face in a gentle way. She’ll be embarrassed by this act almost immediately.

And almost to try to erase her prim answer to his question and the way she looked at him so tenderly just then she throws words between them without much thought.

He is still inside her when she’s asks him then do you know what I regret? and later she will kick herself at this wildly inappropriate question and timing. But he seems amused by this question and asks her what do you regret? She says not turning the fan on before I put on the leg restraints, it’s very warm. And they both get up and do some basic clean up before collapsing on the bed again.

He teases her after that as he settled onto the bed next to her and she pushes herself against him. They talk about the length of his hair and about cars and about her dog and she loves this part. She loves all the parts with him but especially this one, naked and spent, relaxation seeping into her bones and talking together before all the worry and insecurity will come rushing back to her when he leaves. She won’t think about that in that moment though, she’ll just like being next to him, being able to touch him, to see his pretty eyes and the way his lips quirk into a smile.

Later, as they’ve gotten dressed, she’ll remind him that that wasn’t just a hug as promised. I’m not complaining, she says. Just an observation. But as soon as she says it she thinks she really does want a hug. She almost doesn’t bring it up but decides to ask him anyway. She won’t know when she’ll next have a hug if she doesn’t ask. And without hesitation he opens his arms for her.

He’s so tall, she always forgets that. And it feels so warm and safe in that hug, especially the way he holds her tight and he doesn’t let go. Later she’ll cry thinking how great that hug is.

And after he’s left, she’ll pick up her phone to tell him about all the big feelings she’s had about seeing him again, about him coming over, about the sex and the almost risky nature of it. She’ll think about touching his face and about that hug. She tries to think of how to put her feelings into words, how to convey how she’s feeling to him. But it’s too hard and she can’t find the words so instead she types out a different message to him.

Thank you for coming over

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