Baby, Can I Hold You

Sexual Frustration

August 5, 2025

sex

This morning I was so incredibly horny that I ended up wrapping myself in my duvet and doing breathing exercises for an hour in an attempt to breathe through a really difficult emotion. To try to breathe through an extreme need coursing through me.

Let me back up.

I’ve always had a fairly high sex drive. I’d say ‘for a woman’ but I think I mean just generally high in comparison to other people. When things were ‘normal’ for me, I’d masturbate at least twice a day, three times if I could manage it. The differing sex drives to my previous partners had been a problem as was rejection.

Then something happened eighteen months ago and things stopped being normal. Since that day eighteen months ago, I’ve come across a bit of sexual dysfunction and I can no longer achieve orgasm on my own. I can masturbate, it feels pretty good. It just never reaches completion.

This, understandably, has proven to add a lot of challenges to my life and a great deal of sexual frustration. Sometimes it gets better but sometimes it’s gotten worse and I’d end up crying or having a panic attack in an attempt to get there.

I’ve found that I can (fairly easily) come when in the presence of someone else so for the past year and a bit, I’ve relied exclusively on a helping hand from other people to have something that I used to quite happily have three times a day. It’s been a real struggle and a hard adjustment.

Because of how I am (being demisexual and reciprosexual) and what that brings, it means that I don’t experience sexual attraction in the same way, I need emotional connection. But I also desperately want sexual satisfaction. And it’s two things warring against each other.

It’s been five weeks since I’ve had sex. Which means it’s been five weeks since I had an orgasm. And that is really fucking difficult for me.

I’m at breaking point.

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Writing Erotica

August 4, 2025

sex

There was this man, this was years ago now, that I matched with on Tinder. One of the most intriguing parts of his Tinder profile was that he dabbled in writing erotica. I was so curious about what this would look like, if I’d like it.

I matched with him specifically to read his stories that he’d posted on Literotica. And it turned out that they were all incredibly dull and uninspiring and how his partners were described, how the actual sex was described and the way this man put together words all put me off. My biggest takeaway from reading his erotic stories was …I could do it better.

And I had that thought for quite some time. There was always this little part of me that thought I could write erotic stories too. There was a little bit of that as the reason that I started writing this blog.

I’d met someone online who wrote a sex blog years ago and I read some of his blog posts about his experiences. And they were hot, they were. And at the same time I still thought I could probably write that better. Am I just competitive? Or deluded? I’m not sure.

Because I don’t think it’s true anymore. Before I started the blog I’d written out several fantasies that I’d shared with other people (Eye Contact and Wedding Guest) and on the basis of both of those I thought …this is a fun little avenue I’d like to explore more.

But what I didn’t realise then is that the descriptions of the actual sex is not my strong point. The sex itself seems secondary to everything else for me. I like the build up to sex, I like the emotional connection that sex opens up. And I like writing about those things. I don’t particularly love writing explicit content nor do I relish how much detail is needed in writing good erotica. It’s just not in me.

So it took me awhile. But I’m now at that point where I can concede that others do it better. But I still enjoy writing about sex, dating and relationships in my own way.

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Birthday Wish(es)

August 1, 2025

dating, life, relationships, sex

It was my birthday recently. It …was not my best birthday ever. But in an attempt to bring in some positivity, I spent an awful lot of time thinking about my birthday wish for the actual day and the upcoming year.

I think my birthday feels like a new beginning in the middle of the year. Almost like another New Year’s Day where the year starts again and I can think of different or better ways to spend my time.

And there are so many things that I wish for myself this year. I want my divorce finalised, some freedom in terms of my finances, my space, my choices. But those things aren’t always in my control.

So instead I think my focus will be on ways to bring happiness into my life. I want to spend the rest of this year with more joy in my life. I’d love it if I could go on adventures with my family, with my dog.

I’d like to make more friends, I’d like to feel part of a community or a network of some sort. People to lean on when times are tougher than they should be. I imagine this looks like renewed friendships with those already in my life but also new friends who are possibly in sex positive communities or the LGBTQ+ community.

I’d like to grow this blog more. If you like what you’ve read, I’d appreciate more subscribers, more likes, more (gasp) comments. I like the creative outlet this space gives me. I like having the ability to process and give some real thought to my experiences, to my feelings.

But maybe most of all, I’d like to find regular sexual enjoyment. Whether that looks like regular pleasure with one particular person or if that’s a wider net with multiple people I don’t mind. But I feel better when I have sexual connection with others and when I have pleasure to look forward to. I want more of that in my life.

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Best Friend

July 31, 2025

life

Do you have a best friend? I do. I’ve never met her though. She lives on the other side of the world and we met ten years ago in a chat room. I do this thing sometimes where instead of a person’s name or what they look like I sometimes think of other people in the way they make me feel. And my best friend? To me, she feels like the sun. She makes everything brighter.

Right from day one we’ve had a friendship that was based on really open and honest communication. There’s never been judgement between us. We’ve supported each other through new jobs, new houses, new relationships, sex with strangers, stints in hospital, through complicated family dynamics, her marriage, my end of marriage, her children being born, mine leaving the nest.

Whenever things are tough in my life, at work, with my family, within my relationships I think of escaping and I’m often online to find out how much it would cost to fly to Melbourne. That I might text my best friend to say ‘I’m coming to you, pick me up at the airport at 8pm on Thursday?’ And I know that if that ever happened, I’d walk out at arrivals and she’d be there. Whenever things are really great in my life I want to share things with her too.

I’m currently in the middle of a divorce and I’m often thinking of what it would be like to spend time with her. Quite often I imagine us just lounging about talking and laughing. Having the longest catch ups ever where we fill each other in on every single detail of our lives. Or walking around in the nearby park, walking with her small children running around us, swinging one of them between us as we’re talking.

Before she was married and had children my thoughts of her were different. I’d think of us in her kitchen, perhaps. She’d be cooking and I’d mostly just be standing around keeping her company. Or maybe we’d be on the sofa together watching a film together, the both of us pressed against each other, my head on her shoulder, her hair falling into my face. Sometimes the thoughts would take other turns where she’ll be talking to me and time slows down and I end up hyper focusing on her mouth, the way her lips form words as she’s speaking. Or smiling. Or laughing.

I often think of watching her. Touching her. Sometimes it’s my thumb on her lips, sometimes I touch her cheek. Or brush her hair out of her face. It’s always just been something between us. This question mark of what would happen if we were ever in the same space together. What I have never questioned, and will never, is the impact it would have on our friendship. Which is that there wouldn’t be one. I might be naive in my feelings but I just feel a sense of acceptance that we were always meant to be friends, found family even. A friendship that also strays into more physical intimacy given half a chance. I find the lines of my friendships are often blurred and with her, I welcome it.

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A Fantasy vol. 2

July 30, 2025

dating, relationships, sex

I mentioned in another post that something I daydream about with others is about falling asleep with them and today I thought I’d share a little bit more about that.

There’s something about falling asleep with someone that I feel is incredibly intimate. I had someone I was briefly having sex with recently that kept inviting me over to his place. Like, to stay overnight and I just found the very idea of it too much. It felt like too much too soon in any case. So it never happened.

I think part of that is because I’ve only ever ‘stayed over’ with one person. My ex husband, who I was married to for literal decades. And now that I’m in this situation where I might stay over with a new sexual or romantic partner? It feels a little bit scary.

Which isn’t to say that I’m not into the idea of it. I’ve talked a lot about my English teacher friend. How much his friendship meant to me in me figuring out things about myself and what I wanted in life. What I didn’t want in life. And at the same time I was having this epiphany in my romantic and sexual life I was going through the actual worst time in my personal life. My dad was very poorly and he wasn’t getting any better.

And it was during this time that I started having daydreams about my English teacher friend. And they mostly just involved me putting my head on his shoulder until I fell asleep. Because I was always tired at that time. I wasn’t sleeping well from the stress and worry. And I wanted to be with someone who would just be there with me and with whom I could do what I needed the most. Sleep. Sometimes I thought about him hugging me or falling asleep nestled into him. But mostly it was just me leaning on him and dozing off. Knowing that I was safe to do so.

It always felt like ‘fantasy’ was about safety, about comfort.

Years later, when I was with my ex, my daydream had changed. I still thought about falling asleep leaning against him. And once, when we were together he did fall asleep. It became one of the things that I think back on our relationship and remember really fondly. But it wasn’t what I ended up thinking about with him. We had so little time together that my thoughts of him ended up taking on other paths.

With him, I always thought of waking up and seeing him. I vividly remember fantasies where I opened my eyes and there he was. For me, with him? It was always about him still being there. About him staying. That I could close my eyes, that I could sleep, and the dream was that when I woke up, he’d still be there.

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Does ‘Normal’ Exist?

July 29, 2025

sex

I was talking to a friend earlier and I said something like ‘if I’d had a normal journey through sex this wouldn’t have happened…’ and quite rightly my friend pointed out that someone else’s ‘normal’ will look very differently to mine. Pointing out that normal likely doesn’t exist.

I think what I meant is a type of normal that is expected? But expected by whom? And who is creating this narrative? Again, I get it. Normal doesn’t exist. But it sort of does, right?

When I talk about ‘normal’ I mostly mean the people that started having sex at a reasonably young age (young being left vague here for a reason) and then exploring sex and dating and relationships as a young person into adulthood. And going through those formative experiences. Of knowing stuff about yourself, about other people.

And when I say that my own experiences haven’t been normal I mean that I got married to the first person I had penetrative sex with, we got married ridiculously early and until a few years ago my ex husband was the only person I’d had sex with.

And now here I am, in my 40s, and I feel ridiculously inexperienced. I feel like I’m only just now gaining some sexual confidence. That I’m only just now slowly learning what I enjoy, how to communicate with people I’m having sex with, how to navigate sex. Do I tell potential partners that I don’t want them to spit in my mouth? or just let that happen/not happen naturally?

In the past year and a half, I’d say that I’ve gone through the biggest developmental phase of my life in terms of learning what I want and don’t want during sex, with sexual partners or what I’m even looking for within relationships. And I feel like it’s tough. Everything feels so confusing.

Thank you for being on this journey with me. I feel like I’m not getting it right and I’m not being intentional with it in order to chase content. I’m just naturally shit at it. But I feel like I’m making some progress. In large part because I have this safe space.

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Lingerie

July 28, 2025

sex

I buy a lot of lingerie. Like, a lot. I’m currently expecting a delivery of new lingerie today and I’m really quite excited about it. And sometimes I think to myself, it’s a bit weird how much things have changed about how I view my body.

A thing has happened throughout the last few years and that has been that I’ve taken pictures of myself and shared them different places. It was usually just individually. A long distance friend had a thing about legs and liked seeing my legs in thigh high stockings and it kind of went from there.

I’ve liked the responses I’ve gotten. And I’ve wanted more of the responses. Which has meant both sharing the pictures more widely and more exploration with the type of lingerie I’ve been wearing. I see it as a sort of mini-exhibitionism. I get a thrill at the idea of someone (some people) seeing me in whatever I’m wearing.

I’ve found that I also just really like lingerie. I’ve barely ever worn it for someone in person. But I like the design of lingerie. I like the different colours, finding out which colours look better against my skin tone. The different designs and what they do to emphasise by assets or not. I like different fabrics. I like scalloped designs, and halter neck designs. I prefer green, or colours that are a little bit different. Paler colours don’t do enough to stand out. I like floral designs.

And I guess the thing I like the most is that every time I take a little bit of a risk with the lingerie I find that I end up appreciating my body and the way that I look just that little bit more. I’m doing it for myself and if other people are enjoying it too, that’s an added bonus.

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I’m Tired

July 24, 2025

dating

I’ve been struggling with what to write on here lately. And a lot of that has been down to just being exhausted from all the interactions I’ve been having lately.

I arranged to go on a date the other day, he cancelled way last minute. The reason given was work when up to this point he said he chooses his hours and time commitment to work. So, okay. I do generally give one chance and so tried to rearrange and he said ‘how about next month?’ (at the start of the month) and I just can’t even.

I started talking with someone else. He immediately asked to meet me. I said ‘no’ so he started asking questions about me and my interests, I responded. Asked him questions but he didn’t volunteer much. I think that he thought ‘tick’ we’ve powered through the getting to know you bit so he asked to meet me again. I said I don’t meet anyone until I know enough about them that it won’t be awkward chatting for however long it takes to finish our coffee. This isn’t unreasonable. He was game so he sent a message with things about him. I said ‘that’s a lot of words and yet you still remain incredibly vague’ He then went on to say he didn’t know much about me either and I copy and pasted everything I’d already told him about me into a more recent message. He responded by asking me out again.

I met someone recently, had a wonderful time. Told him I’d like to see him again. But over the next three weeks he didn’t message me first, when I messaged him he’d say ‘funny, I was just about to message you’ he talked about his plans with other people and then told me that he ‘wasn’t sure’ if I’d changed my mind about seeing him again.

When does the bullshit stop? I’d really like to know.

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What Being Loved By You Felt Like

July 23, 2025

relationships

How do I put into words what it felt like to be loved by you? It’s a difficult one. And I’ve almost scrapped this post three or four times because all of the words feel like a cliche. They feel like too much sometimes because I’m dramatic with how I felt. It was big, and powerful and impactful and I don’t how to describe it without being dramatic. Because what’s dramatic if not just big emotions and big reactions to those emotions? And love? Between you and me? That was pretty great.

(And it also sometimes feel like it’s not enough. Like there aren’t words to describe these feelings. Like they’re inadequate.)

I think the thing that stands out the most is that when we were together, I felt calm. I wasn’t overthinking, I wasn’t panicking or worrying. It felt like when you were with me you brought me peace. And I’ve never felt that way before. It feels intoxicating to feel calm when my regular feeling is one of turmoil, of anxiety. At first I thought it was just our bubble, that being in our bubble together brought an element of safety. But just thinking about you gives me that hit of calm. Even now, more than a year later, I feel a sense of calm when I think of you.

Another big one is acceptance. In the world, with everyone else, I always feel like too much. Too emotional, too serious, too introspective, too dramatic, too loud, just generally too much. But with you? You made me feel like everything about me was just right. And I’m actually starting to cry as I’m writing this because do you know how that feels? To feel like everything about me is just right? That you’ve accepted me just as I am. With my changing moods, with my big feelings, with the tears, the awkwardness, the passing fads of interest. You accepted me just as I was and not only that but you celebrated it. You loved the way I told long, winding stories that don’t make sense until the very end, or the way I’d ask a question and we’d unravel the answer together. I feel like I could spend the rest of my life thanking you for this one feeling and it still wouldn’t be enough.

When you first came into my life, I feel like I was just starting to understand certain things about myself, that I was just starting to accept parts of myself, to know myself better. Better isn’t the right word because I feel like I didn’t know myself at all and then I started to. And when I met you, and you loved me in that messy state it felt like I wanted to take it further. That I wanted to …be the best version of myself. Not for you. But because of you. Does that make sense?

There’s something about you. Maybe it’s not. you and maybe it’s love? But it felt like it magnified everything. All my feelings got bigger and stronger. I felt like I was prettier because I started seeing myself the way you saw me. I felt funnier for the same reason. And sexier. I think I’m generally interested in lots of things but it was like because I was sharing interesting things with you that I felt motivated to be way more interesting than I normally am. Everything felt charged.

And I waited. And waited. For things to calm down. For my feelings to be less. For you to disappoint me. For me to disappoint you. That’s what love has been for me. Always a steady road towards disinterest, towards less. And it was never that way with you. Even when things ended it felt like things still burn bright. Even now, I force myself into focusing on other people, on other situations. But if I wanted to lean back into you and what we were, things probably won’t have changed.

And I don’t know if that’s scary to me or if that’s comforting. It’s probably both. Scary that I continue to have such big feelings for you. But also comforting to know that you’re in the world. And what was between us was real and lasting.

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Meeting Someone New

July 22, 2025

dating

I met someone new recently. He was lovely in his messages. Really open and engaging and it felt like from the first message that we’d really get along. But we did continue messaging for quite some time. I don’t recall now if that was down to my schedule or if it was because he has a tendency to take things a little slower. Either way I didn’t mind.

Eventually we did meet up for a coffee. He told me about a bonkers date that we went on recently with a couple and I told him of a crazy experience I’d had. One of things I like most about him is how easy it is for him to lean into when he finds things funny. I said something and I swear to god, he actually slapped his thigh laughing. It was adorable. I couldn’t get enough watching him laugh.

I also truly believe that he’s the sort of person who, if things hadn’t worked out between us in a sexual capacity, that he’d be a wonderful friend to have in my life. A lot of other people (men) say they’d happy to be just friends and I’ve never believed any of them until this moment. And I wanted there to be something between us. I wanted our friendship to just naturally lead into doing sex things with each other.

After coffee, as we walked out to the car park, he gave me a very respectful hug and I didn’t know what to make of that. I understood that he didn’t want to put pressure on me in that moment and instead we messaged afterwards to see how we both felt about each other. We were both on the same page. But unfortunately, I went out of town shortly after that and then he did too and followed that with some incredibly busy times.

We didn’t meet up again for another month and this time we met in a pub garden and caught up with each other for several hours. Even though it had been awhile it also felt like no time had passed. I liked his easy smile, his sense of humour. That we both complained about certain things in the same way. I liked hearing about his journey into being poly and ENM. The way he talked about not really fitting in with different labels, the safety checks he uses with other people. His safety checks typically lasted a lot longer than mine but I liked that about him. There was no rushing in and getting it all wrong. Things are steady with him, respectful, easy.

After we finished our drinks, we said our goodbyes and a funny thing happened. I stepped in for a hug and ended up looking up at him in this way that felt incredibly intimate. Like we were going to kiss. But I said oh, that feels quite awkward and sudden and he gave me another quick squeeze before saying something like, I’m not going to make it awkward. And it wasn’t. I was honestly just really happy that he’s the sort of person who can just diffuse something like that, make me comfortable again.

Another meeting with this kind, funny man and he put a massive smile on my face. Even with no kiss as yet!

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